Sunday, December 31, 2006 11:59 PM CST
NEW YEAR'S BASKETS OF LOVE (please click on View Photos above to see one of the baskets)
Delivering New Year's baskets of love to CHO and LPCH was a good thing for our hearts and the appreciation expressed by patients, parents, and the medical staff comforted our souls. At LPCH, there was a patient and family that have been in the hospital for a while. In fact, they were there when we delivered Thanksgiving dinners last month through The Nicholas Colby Fund via all of you that directly and indirectly support us and via our efforts Helping Children Be Children. (As well as your support through loving Nicholas.)
At both hospitals we came across a surprise tonight as a patient who experienced one of The Nicholas Colby Fund - Helping Children Be Children experiences this month, was in the hospital. Austin from CHO who was at our December 26 experience and Raymond from LPCH who was at our December 2 experience. Raymond took us on a tour of his hospital room, virtually every inch. His mother said he has not had many visitors so he was soaking in the attention and love sharing his surroundings with us. It was very nice to experience his joy!
And it was nice to talk with some of the staff that cared for Nicholas and "care" for Nicholas even today: Michelle and Mary Jo from CHO and Jill, Shelly, Shelley, Tess, Bri, Ana, Adrian, Cele, and Lizette from LPCH. It was soothing for mom to talk with the nurses and interact with the children we have come to know through The Nicholas Colby Fund. However, for mom, being at CHO for the first time since we left there with Nicholas in September 2005 when he relapsed…it was a little difficult being back there which resulted in her feeling nauseous. We were both pleased to talk with the parents and share moments of parenthood.
Nicholas, son, we love you and recognize that we are doing what you continue to do-love! Happy New Year son, and Happy New Year everyone.
REMEMBER
Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see current photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Saturday, December 30, 2006 11:59 PM CST
CELEBRATING, REMEMBERING
Tonight we were in San Francisco at Pier 39 for a dinner birthday party. Remember Linda, who sang the song Held during Nicholas' Memorial Service? We joined a few others for her birthday dinner. Memories abounded as we reflected on the many places at Pier 39 that we spent time with Nicholas. After dinner Sheila and I went to Ghiradelli Square for hot chocolate, another place with soul warming memories. We then drove across the Golden Gate Bridge-another memorable spot with Nicholas-and stopped at Vista Point on the Marin side of the bridge to look back across the Bay to take in the glistening beauty of San Francisco.
Yes, Vista Point is another spot…and it is the spot dad proposed to mom. The glistening view of San Francisco from this spot provides a sparkling diamond affect. As we pray to God, still with pain in our stomachs, we thank Him for the love He provided to Nicholas before, during, and now after the leukemia journey. Memories are precious although sometimes they seem to provide a suffocating affect missing Nicholas so much. And thankfully, Nicholas provides a sparkling diamond affect onto our hearts and souls as we remember everything about our precious son who-we thank God-is never gone, never far.
LOVING NICHOLAS GENERATES MORE ACTIONS OF LOVE
Nicholas loved celebrations-especially fireworks. Tomorrow we have planned to help patients and their families (including the medical staff) at Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital ring in the New Year by providing them with New Year's baskets of love and excitement. For some, they be admitted into the hospital today for the first time or have to be re-admitted. We will deliver sparkling cider, popcorn, "poppers" (miniature paper-string shooters), New Year's hats, and other fun things. Nicholas and The Nicholas Colby Fund - Helping Children Be Children, and family time togetherness.
REMEMBER
Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see current photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Friday, December 29, 2006 11:59 PM CST
FRIENDS AND SAD COINCIDENCES TONIGHT
Tonight dad spent time with a high school friend at Warriors game and mom spent time with friends from high school and her family in her hometown. For dad, his high school friend had his 7-month old son pass away about five years ago. For mom, her high school friend had her 3-month old son pass away many years ago. It was not until this moment that we realized the sad coincidences of having son's passing away.
Every day we feel sadness AND we are grateful that everyday we feel God's presence. We feel God's love that was also felt during Nicholas' leukemia journey. Some people may wonder how we could say that we felt love during the journey! It may seem incongruent to feel love in the midst of the leukemia battle; however, there truly was love felt that enabled Nicholas to "live" while on the journey…having the ability to love, play, and laugh as well as cry. Remember the times we cried with Nicholas and how crying turned into prayers, songs of love, and of course patting Nicholas just the way he liked?
- ON MAY 5, 2006 WE WROTE THE FOLLOWING ABOUT CRYING:
"… although Nicholas had a couple episodes of sadness and crying tonight that we transitioned into prayer and crying. Of course, we do not have answers to so many questions Nicholas has about "all this leukemia and bone marrow stuff" including questions that we, mom & dad, have about it all.
"As Nicholas cries out for mom & dad, saying, 'father, mother...,' it seems to comfort him knowing we hear his cries and we are right there! And thinking about the comfort we provide Nicholas, we are comforted in the face of all that is going on as we cry out with Nicholas saying, "Father...". If mom & dad can comfort Nicholas by hearing and being there for him, we look to God-our Father-for His comfort and "being there" for Nicholas recognizing that He offers infinitely more of everything Nicholas needs."
- AND FOLLOWING IS WHAT WE WROTE ON MAY 1, 2006 ABOUT CRYING:
'"Why me, why doesn't God touch me?' was the cry for help Nicholas repeatedly cried this morning. His tears and full body expression to mom & dad was to hold him, pat him (rhythmatic patting of our hands on his body), and rock him gently to help soothe the pain away.
"As we softly talk and pray with Nicholas we tell him that he continually does everything just right and as hard as it certainly seems, God loves him so very, very much! He knows, we know, that God has blessed him in many ways; AND we cry out to God asking Him to let Nicholas FEEL His love in more ways because Nicholas really, really deserves complete healing NOW. (We recognize that it is not our will, but His that will be done and His word tells us that Nicholas is healed by His love.) We pray so hard for the manifestation of God's love to completely do, NOW, what it does-reveal purity and perfection..."
Tonight and every day and night for the rest of our lives our cries will comfort us and keep us forever closer to Nicholas!
REMEMBER
Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see current photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Thursday, December 28, 2006 11:59 PM CST
QUIET TIMES
It was a quiet day at work for dad and a busy one at work for mom although late evening it was quiet for both of us. At Nicholas' site tonight it was a quiet, calm environment with the moon directly overhead. Remember the echoes of love we talked about in the October 8 and August 4, 2006 journal entries? Tonight, once again, loudly I called out: "Nicholas I love you!" over his site, down into the valley of Briones Regional Park, and not only heard but felt the echo rising over the far side of the valley, into the air, and ricocheting back to me.
We talked about how these echoes of love-as we call them-are comforting and combat the feelings of hurt and pain in our stomachs. We know God wants us to feel His love and for us to know that He has Nicholas safely with Him. And God calls on us to trust His love will provide…for Nicholas…for us…and all who "love" Him.
We will never give up on God's love that enabled Nicholas to "live" during his leukemia journey and vibrantly live in our lives today. Missing Nicholas so much brings us back to hearing God say, "Be still and know that I am God!" Because of this we can fall asleep loving Nicholas with fewer tears although the sadness persists.
REMEMBER
Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see current photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Wednesday, December 27, 2006 10:50 PM CST
PHOTOS OF NICHOLAS' SITE AND "HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN"
The photo above shows Austin and Kai "playing and having fun" (from Nicholas' song of love) with Thunder of the Golden State Warriors. Thunder autographed basketballs from the Nicholas Colby Fund for all the children before we surprised the children with gifts from a list we secured from their parents.
Also, by clicking on View Photos (above) you will see how we decorated Nicholas' Oakmont Memorial Park spot for the holidays.
Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see current photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
January 27 is Nicholas ' birthday followed by Valentine's Day. Umm, we are thinking about how we should decorate the site for Nicholas.
PLANNING A JANUARY OR FEBRUARY NICHOLAS COLBY FUND EXPERIENCE FOR LPCH PATIENTS AND THEIR SIBLINGS
Communication today from Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital provides another collaborative opportunity to create a special outing for some patients and their siblings. Please stay tuned.
REMEMBER
- Referring to the third photo album below, under "Links," and scrolling to 9/22/06 and 11/11/06 you can view Nicholas' flat memorial marker on his site at Oakmont Memorial Park in Lafayette. A heart shape frame holding his picture lasered onto marble, Cherub emblem, & balloons emblem...love expressed and felt
- Also referring to the third photo album below, you can view the site and how we transition it for Nicholas by scrolling to 6/6/06, 6/17/06, 6/19/06, 6/24/06, 10/22/06, 11/11/06, 11/21/06, and 12/25/06 (showing the standing marker)
- We are so glad we read, "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson, to Nicholas on May 25, 2006 because although we know he heard and felt all the love in the room, the words from the book reinforced God's love and His perfect work for Nicholas…the next place. We are comforted knowing Nicholas heard the following excerpts from "The Next Place" and are experiencing them to be true (on the back of the standing marker):
"I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
"I'll never be alone; I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one. And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
"I'll have the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared…the happiness and memories and magic that we shared. I will cherish all the friendships I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me; they will make my spirit glow. And the light will shine forever in the next place that I go."
The front of the standing marker reads:
"The sun will no longer be your light during the day nor will the brightness of the moon be your light, because the Lord will be your light forever."
- Isaiah 60:19
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006 11:59 PM CST
LABOR OF LOVE
We just returned home from another Nicholas Colby Fund experience for two patients and their families. Wow, we are tired tonight from work toward creating fun and happy times for the patients, as well as tired emotionally from the "sweetbittersweet" toll. (Do you remember how we describe "sweetbittersweet (December 18, 2006 journal, under Journal History))?
Working toward Helping Children Be Children continues to seem to be a way for us to care for Nicholas. So we are very, very happy to do whatever it takes directly or indirectly to do just that. The engaging way Kai and Austin were throughout the night, and their smiles were enough to make us happy (even if just for a few moments or evening). And seeing their joy as they engaged with Thunder, the Warriors' mascot, helped generate love in our hearts. PHOTOS TOMORROW NIGHT (Wednesday)!
Talking about love begetting love-what an amazing blessing and lesson. Shazzam also participated with us tonight helping to further enhance the experience for the children. (The December 19, 2006 journal talks about Shazzam and you can see pictures on the Holiday photo album referenced below under "Remember…Perspective Via Photos.")
Love begetting love and the circle-of-love has been an incredible demonstration of caring by those who have partnered with The Nicholas Colby Fund. Tonight it was the Golden State Warriors, LeapFrog (from their recent contribution), Shazzam, and families of the patients…all for the good of the patients! It all started with God, cascading from Jesus, transcending into Nicholas, flowing from our families and so many wonderful friends (with the foundation of Gina Baker as a springboard that all of you have supported)...The Nicholas Colby Fund is Helping Children Be Children.
SPECIAL TREAT
Often we wrote on the journals about so many blessings in our lives before and during Nicholas' leukemia journey. We are still blessed, even though we sometimes write about the pain missing Nicholas, and looking at the alphabet all of you show up on our list of blessings in our lives. Tonight, a long-time friend and his family spent the evening with us at the game and afterwards. Like many of you, they were and are a constant reflection of God loving us. Thank you all for the special treats you provide to sweeten our lives.
REMEMBER…PERSPECTIVE VIA PHOTOS
- Please click on View Photos for a 3-picture perspective of the last three months Nicholas was physically with us: a harp, Easter, and smiles that blended together provide us with rhythmatic joy through Jesus and God.
- Photos of Nicholas' Memorial Park spot decorated for the holidays will be posted tomorrow on the Home Page and / or one of the 3 View Photos.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
Oh, Nicholas we love you son!
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Monday, December 25, 2006 11:51 PM CST
TO EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE
Happy Holidays: Merry Christmas, Mele Kalikimaka (Nicholas liked saying Merry Christmas the Hawaiian way), Happy Hanukah (Jewish; thanks Allie & Becky), Frohe Weihnachten (German; thanks Tina & Mitch)…
Because God is God and Nicholas is everything good we, absolutely, trust and believe Nicholas is letting us know: "I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas, With Jesus this year."
To all the beautiful children (as we have always called children navigating a leukemia or other life threatening illness) undergoing treatment or off treatment, as well as children free from having to know anything about cancer or any other life threatening illness…we pray they are children being children having a holly, jolly holiday!
SEASON OF GIVING CONTINUES FOR THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND - HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN
Tomorrow night, Tuesday, two patients from Children's Hospital Oakland and their families will have a great time out via The Nicholas Colby Fund. They will be in a suite to watch the Golden State Warriors versus the Philadelphia 76ers. In partnership with the Warriors' organization again, Thunder (the Warriors' mascot) will surprise the patients and their families with a special, personal visit in the suite. (For medical reasons they were unable to participate in the December 14 event the Warriors held for patients from CHO and LPCH via The Nicholas Colby Fund.)
REMEMBER…PERSPECTIVE VIA PHOTOS
- Please click on View Photos for a 3-picture perspective of the last three months Nicholas was physically with us: a harp, Easter, and smiles that blended together provide us with rhythmatic joy through Jesus and God.
- Photos of Nicholas' Memorial Park spot decorated for the holidays will be posted on the Home Page or one of the 3 View Photos in the next couple of days.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Sunday, December 24, 2006 11:38 PM CST
LAST CHRISTMAS NICHOLAS GAVE US LOVE, THIS CHRISTMAS NICHOLAS GIVES US LOVE
A year ago tonight we asked Nicholas what he wanted to include on that night's journal. He just asked us to say, "Mele Kalikimaka!" Which as you may remember is Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas. So tonight, as we (mom & dad) also wrote on the journal a year ago: enjoy your families, enjoy what each has to offer, and let love guide your thoughts and actions-Happy Holidays!
SWEET JESUS, LOVING GOD
Following are words from hymns we blended and often sang with Nicholas:
…If I should feel lonely, or I should feel sad, I'm so contented and my heart is so glad…joy bells are ringing, in my heart I'm singing, it's wonderful to know that He's mine…oh, how I love Jesus…oh, how I love Jesus…oh, how I love Jesus…because He first loved me…
…To me, He is so wonderful…to me, He is so wonderful…to me, He is so wonderful…because He first loved me…
PERSPECTIVE VIA PHOTOS
- Please click on View Photos, above, for a 3-picture perspective of the last three months Nicholas was physically with us: a harp, Easter, and smiles that blended together provide us with rhythmatic joy through Jesus and God.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
Sunday, December 24, 2006 11:38 PM CST
LAST CHRISTMAS NICHOLAS GAVE US LOVE, THIS CHRISTMAS NICHOLAS GIVES US LOVE
A year ago tonight we asked Nicholas what he wanted to include on that night's journal. He just asked us to say, "Mele Kalikimaka!" Which as you may remember is Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas. So tonight, as we (mom & dad) also wrote on the journal a year ago: enjoy your families, enjoy what each has to offer, and let love guide your thoughts and actions-Happy Holidays!
SWEET JESUS, LOVING GOD
Following are words from hymns we blended and often sang with Nicholas:
…If I should feel lonely, or I should feel sad, I'm so contented and my heart is so glad…joy bells are ringing, in my heart I'm singing, it's wonderful to know that He's mine…oh, how I love Jesus…oh, how I love Jesus…oh, how I love Jesus…because He first loved me…
…To me, He is so wonderful…to me, He is so wonderful…to me, He is so wonderful…because He first loved me…
PERSPECTIVE VIA PHOTOS
- Please click on View Photos, above, for a photo perspective of the last three months Nicholas was physically with us: a harp, Easter, and smiles that blended together provide us with rhythmatic joy through Jesus and God.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Saturday, December 23, 2006 11:59 PM CST
DECORATING AT NICHOLAS' SITE WAS JOYFUL, AND THERE WERE "DIFFERENT" EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT THE DAY
Recently an expression shared with us, "it does not get easier, it gets different," has been how we describe being without Nicholas (physically). This morning we completed decorating Nicholas' site at Oakmont Memorial Park:
- Large snowflakes & very large-bright bulbs (silver, gold, and red) hanging down at different heights from the evergreen tree over Nicholas' site
- Colorful bulbs on stakes allowing us to place them at different heights in the grass above Nicholas' flat marker (silver, gold, red, green, and blue)
- Big, red bows on his curved bench, birdbath, and one on the tree
It was joyful to decorate for Nicholas…and we were very, very sad missing Nicholas. Shopping was "different"…without going into sections of stores for little boys and girls…without having Nicholas visit Santa Claus…without eating with Nicholas (Japanese restaurant tonight, one of his favorites)…without the joy of just playing & having fun…
And late tonight there were more tears…tears of sadness as we began to fill stockings…tears missing his voice, his expressions, and the simple-loving things he does. We have been very active with The Nicholas Colby Fund and that has wonderfully occupied large segments of our time as well as mental state of being. Being active with The Nicholas Colby Fund is caring for Nicholas in many ways and, seemingly, when we are not active with the Fund we have more time to ponder which generates those "why" questions and stomach pain. And we call out more to our Father, God, for the comfort that just saying His name provides. God, it is You that we need and You that we focus on enabling us to feel Nicholas' everlasting love that touches our lives in amazing ways.
We pray and trust God that we will be okay-knowing Nicholas is more than just okay.
ANOTHER WONDERFUL SURPRISE
Remember, Nicholas loved acting out scenes from Dr. Seuss How The Grinch Stole Christmas-Jim Carey. In our minds and in our hearts we experience Nicholas' gift of connecting in amazing ways and sharing love that fills those he engaged. At our doorstep tonight someone placed the classic, Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas (DVD). We are grateful for the thoughtful ways all of you remember Nicholas and how you help us along the way…along with Nicholas! To all of you: family, friends, and new acquaintances…how you show up directly and indirectly into our lives are blessings. We pray that you "feel" our love and thanks.
THANKFUL GOD IS GOD
We are not sure how it will be tomorrow night, Christmas Eve, and the eve of it being seven months since Nicholas has passed. However, we will focus on God, on Jesus, on Nicholas and all the joy from memories with Nicholas and joy that we are blessed to experience over and over about Nicholas. And, we will watch both DVDs…Dr. Seuss How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Our state-of-being, we pray, will be just knowing the shared love we have with Nicholas, that it is God who is directly watching over Nicholas, Nicholas is playing & having fun with Jesus, and with God's speed Nicholas is never gone, never far…and Nicholas is more than okay, he is perfectly and purely everything.
REMINDERS
- Remember the list of "Nicholas Favorites" from appetizers, holidays, movies, and more? They are listed on the August 15, 2006 journal entry, under Journal History. Of course, if your computer speakers are on and you are listening to Nicholas' Song-Of Love, playing in the background on the Home Page, you will hear other things that are his favorites (words to the song are on the September 7, 2005 journal).
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Friday, December 22, 2006 11:59 PM CST
OUR WISH, OUR TRUST IN GOD
During this season of giving and referring to what we wrote about it in last night's journal, our wish "is" for it to be Christmas all year long. The thoughts and actions of so many people during this time of year are about love and we are sure you have seen-through God's love-the wonder of Nicholas' love. Nicholas is another amazing gift from God and His love is perfect, complete, and everlasting so we trust Nicholas is forever being loved and surrounded by love (and how wonderful that is).
Trusting God, for us, also means following Him and that is why Helping Children Be Children through The Nicholas Colby Fund is our passion. For Nicholas it must be Christmas "all year long" and we trust our work is a start for it to be Christmas all year long, in some ways, for all of the beautiful children we touch.
PLEASE CLICK ON "VIEW PHOTOS"
Clicking on View Photos, above, you will see three pictures of Nicholas with mom, dad, and our family. God is is the source of love for all these beautiful children we engage through The Nicholas Colby Fund; and Nicholas is the inspiration for Helping Children Be Children. We feel Nicholas is our inspiration for many reasons, one because Nicholas was and is forever an angelic child so full of everything perfect and pure. While "we just know..." (referring to general talks with Nicholas months before he passed that whether or not we see each other we will always "just know" that we are in each others hearts and souls), we did not fully know the angelic gift we were holding. However, we did know and know that God gave us an everlasting gift and following is a message about a gift we received awhile ago:
- CARD WITH PICTURE OF THE "PIETA" BY MICHELANGELO
This card was given to us reading, "The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass will be offered for the repose (resting) of the soul of our darling Nicholas." For those of you who were physically present with us at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital on May 25, 2006, you may remember us holding Nicholas in our arms for a long period of time after he passed. This card had special meaning to the giver of the card because they said as we were holding Nicholas it reminded them of Michelangelo's "Pieta."
NOTES
- The Nicholas Colby Fund's holiday season photo album has been updated with some of the photos from the Patient Gift Giving Experience at Children's Hospital Oakland (December 20, 2006 journal under Journal History)
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of the beautiful children and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this holiday season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Thursday, December 21, 2006 11:59 PM CST
THIS CHRISTMAS-DECEMBER 25, 2006-IT WILL BE SEVEN MONTHS…since our sweet Nicholas ascended to Heaven. As we continue to work through missing Nicholas while caring for him through The Nicholas Colby Fund, the "why" question still surfaces.
Giving of ourselves via The Nicholas Colby Fund feels so right because giving is what Nicholas constantly delivered and delivers to us. From what many of you told us, Nicholas continually delivers to you as well. We trust and believe that God's words are not returning to Him void and therefore we know Nicholas is with Love. With God Nicholas cannot be wanting or needing anything. We are so grateful for God's promises and His love.
The memories of Nicholas vividly comfort our hearts and the new memories of Nicholas' touch, through The Nicholas Colby Fund, are somewhat like a perfect melody enjoyed and shared over and over. Nicholas' melody is never tiring and always welcomed-and we thank God.
LOVE BEGETTING LOVE…continues to be like a calling card revealing what you see through Nicholas and The Nicholas Colby Fund-again we thank God for His creation and wonderful masterpiece that forever is amazing work to be shared.
Blessings of love begetting love has also been what is realized from individuals and organizations partnering with The Nicholas Colby Fund - Helping Children Be Children. We also have talked a lot about the "circle of love" experienced in our connections. So what was done today revealed love begetting love via a circle of love. This past weekend we received a telephone call from someone we have never met. It was a call from Mike D., a parent of a child now attending the Montessori school that Nicholas attended in Lafayette.
Mike presented The Nicholas Colby Fund with tickets to this Sunday's San Francisco 49ers (professional football game). The love in his family, shared with us, was shared this evening with the Ronald McDonald House (where we once were with Nicholas) at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. And now a child is able to experience a 49ers football game on Christmas Eve. PLEASE SEE THE ABOVE PHOTO. Like other experiences through The Nicholas Colby Fund, the flyer presented today at the Ronald McDonald House for a special child was personalized for this experience including the photos of Nicholas. So for this flyer we choose a picture of Nicholas in his football outfit and photos in the snow. (Have you noticed that the respective theme pictures of Nicholas correspond to the experience: basketball for basketball, playing in the snow for Holiday Magic On Ice, pumpkins for Thanksgiving, etc?)
OUR LOVE FOR NICHOLAS IS NEVER ENDING AND OUR FOCUS ON CHRISTMAS…will continually be that the spirit of Christmas can be all year long. The December 17, 3, & 1, 2006; February 14, 2006; and December 27, 14, & 11, 2005 journal entries remind us that love is never ending so The Nicholas Colby Fund will focus on never-ending love.
Tonight the nurses at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and the staff at the Ronald McDonald shared crystal clear memories of Nicholas' passion for caring for others through sharing love as well as his things. We are very comforted by all these expressions of love and the connection of love begetting love. And tonight on the guest book from Camilia and her mother who just returned from Disneyland via The Nicholas Colby Fund, they shared expressions of love begetting love:
- "…I could just feel Nicholas with me when I was there. Every time I was scared to go on the ride I just thought of how Nicholas would have wanted me to go and have fun…"
- " Thank you so much to each one of you who contributes in every form and works hard to make this type of event happen. From the bottom of my heart, I will be forever so grateful to the memory of little Nicholas! He would be saying: 'I made her happy.'"
God, it is You that we need to feel the love that we feel, and it is You that we trust to love us all for everything to be more than okay.
And Gina B, your warm, loving thoughts and actions are favorably changing lives in amazing ways. Thank you for your love.
REMEMBER…Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see updated photos of some of these beautiful kids and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this Holiday Season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006 11:59 PM CST
ABLE TO "GIVE" GENERATES SMILES
Well, Sheila's idea of "Helping Children Be Children" through the joy of patients "giving" hit its target. The children in the hospital were excited to select from an array of gifts for their siblings. And their parents as well as the Children's Hospital Oakland staff were beaming seeing the joy in the eyes and actions of the patients.
At first, one of the younger patients had to think about this notion of selecting a gift for her siblings...although we also had her select a gift for herself she seemed to warm to the Patient Gift Giving Experience. We expect her siblings-as well as all the siblings from the patients we visited today-will be pleasantly surprised!
And Nicholas, your nurse, Maki, gave you a warm and loving hug-but you already know that because you felt it from her, didn't you? Son, the love for you from the entire staff and parents of children at Children's Hospital Oakland is so strong. Did you hear how you are still teaching the staff about the amazing power of love? And did you hear how you are bringing about smiles of love for you to those that are new to you...especially when they see your beautiful, always loving smile?
Oh Nicholas, we love you so much. Good night son!
REMEMBER
- Please click on View Photos (at the top of the page) to see Camilia getting ready to go to Disneyland, and Clara a beautiful little girl out with The Nicholas Colby Fund being a child at play having fun.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of these beautiful kids and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this Holiday Season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006 10:32 PM CST
NICHOLAS-NEVER GONE, NEVER FAR…
Nicholas, truly, loved giving as much as receiving. And today, Nicholas is giving to us in countless ways, as we are "Helping Children Be Children" in ways that he always would and always will through The Nicholas Colby Fund.
BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE
Did you see the guest book entries today? Tonight mom & dad received a beautiful surprise as we went to the guest book and saw our sweet angel, Nicholas. The guest book entry included a picture of Nicholas placing a star on top of the Christmas tree as dad held him up high. As you will see, the author was listed as: Me. And the words on the picture are: "I love you all dearly now don't shed a tear I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year! ? Nikko"
We do not know the origin of this guest book entry; however, thank you so much for this beautiful surprise. (The picture was taken in December 2003 and came from the first photo album, under Links on the Home Page. Our caption of the photo is: "One star (Nicholas) placing a star on the Christmas tree")
Please refer to the December 13, 2006 journal, under Journal History, when we talked about the 12-days-of-Christmas and a poem that allows us to hear and feel Nicholas' presence more and more. We were always thankful for God's love during Nicholas' journey and continue to thank Him-trusting and believing His words enabling us to feel comforted knowing that Nicholas is in God's arms and playing & having fun with Jesus.
PATIENT GIFT GIVING EXPERIENCE AND ENTERTAINMENT
Referring to yesterday's journal about the Patient Gift Giving Experience, tomorrow (Wednesday) patients at Children's Hospital Oakland will be selecting gifts for their siblings via The Nicholas Colby Fund. Along with the array of fun, educational, and simply playful toys…pre-cut wrapping paper will be provided to help the children complete their gift giving experience.
ENTERTAINMENT? Partnering with The Nicholas Colby Fund - Helping Children Be Children will be Shazzam from McCovey's Restaurant (of Dudum Sports & Entertainment). Shazzam is an amazing entertainer around kids and partnering with us tomorrow should enhance the overall experience for the children in the hospital.
REMEMBER
- Please click on View Photos (at the top of the page) to see Camilia getting ready to go to Disneyland, and Clara a beautiful little girl out with The Nicholas Colby Fund being a child at play having fun.
- Copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of these beautiful kids and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this Holiday Season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
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Monday, December 18, 2006 11:10 PM CST
HELPING PATIENTS TO "GIVE" TO THEIR SIBLINGS
Do you remember the journals about Nicholas giving to others when he was in as well as out of the hospital? (Such as giving his teddy bear to a patient he noticed was crying, buying a gift with his money from the hospital gift store to give to an outpatient friend coming to visit him...) The Nicholas Colby Fund thought it would be nice for patients to feel the joy that giving brings. Especially during the holidays, patients are-rightfully so-on the receiving end. So keeping with The Nicholas Colby Fund tagline of "Helping Children Be Children" we will be at the Children's Hospital this Wednesday (December 20) with bins of toys for the patients to choose what they want to give to their siblings this holiday season.
Collaborating with others continue to reveal the beauty of love begetting love. Gifts the patients will choose from come from The Nicholas Colby Fund along with gift-contributions from Games Unlimited in Danville, LeapFrog, and several individuals who purchased and delivered gifts to us. (Remember our November 15, 2006 fundraiser at Games Unlimited? In addition to a percentage of the sales going to the Fund they contributed gifts for this Patient Gift Giving Experience.)
We imagine Wednesday's experience will be bittersweet…but we should rephrase the word to be "sweetbittersweet" because the sweetness of Nicholas warms our lives, missing his physical presence leaves a bitter hole in our hearts, however, feeling his love sweetens our souls.
LOVE BEGETTING LOVE
We have been talking about love begetting love since Nicholas' leukemia journey. Exponentially, love begetting love seems to be jumping from one person to another, from one organization to another. We have also been talking about, and doing a lot of, collaboration. Through collaboration, partnering with the Golden State Warriors, Children's Hospital Oakland, Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital, along with Games Unlimited, LeapFrog, Oakland Ice Center, and many individuals…our tagline "Helping Children Be Children" vibrantly lives on because of Nicholas and the way these organizations and individuals show up.
Using the words, show up, we are talking about how they are in the community. And they have "shown up" with The Nicholas Colby Fund even when no one was looking. They have not partnered with us for public recognition. Truly, they have done so because they care. Sheila and I have been through so much since November 19, 2004 and we know so much more about caring that it is crystal clear to us that these organizations simply and lovingly "care!"
THE WARRIORS AND AAA
God and Nicholas are the focus of every emotion in our lives, every action we take, and our hearts are comforted feeling the amazing love from the Warriors organization and AAA (our employers). Both of these organizations have "been there" for Nicholas and our family before, during, and with amazing care now after Nicholas' leukemia journey. Remember the many journal entries about their actions?
NOTE: And there have been so many of you that day & night helped us whether we were in or out of the hospital. Our older boys, too, helped by living their lives without us around as much as parents are expected to be.
This past Friday and today, we received very, very special contributions from the Warriors and AAA, respectively, because of Nicholas and The Nicholas Colby Fund. The Warriors expressed, "we feel you guys are doing great things and want to continue helping." AAA expressed, "Your volunteer commitment on behalf of the memory of Nicholas is inspiring. Your work to help other children who have serious illnesses and your support of their families through the Nicholas Colby Fund is beautiful."
OTHER NOTES:
- There are more collaborative efforts and partnerships unfolding that we will share as we move forward.
- Please click on View Photos (at the top of the page) to see Camilia getting ready to go to Disneyland and Clara a beautiful little girl out with The Nicholas Colby Fund being a child at play having fun.
- Remember, copying and pasting the following address into your browser you will see photos of some of these beautiful kids and what The Nicholas Colby Fund has done so far this Holiday Season:
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
Thank you all for loving Nicholas!
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Sunday, December 17, 2006 11:00 PM CST
SAINT NICK…WELL OUR LOVING NICHOLAS
Nicholas seems to be playing Santa Claus. From Disneyland, Warriors' basketball games, and this weekend's Holiday Magic On Ice shows, love was certainly begetting love, as the Nicholas Colby Fund was "Helping Children Be Children". By accessing the link (well web address) below you can view photos of Christmas experiences for patients from Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital via the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Please copy & paste the following address in your browser and click to go to the album.
www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=hzm3iu6.4hcasgke&x=1&y=-cexgvd
Collaborating with the wonderful people in the Golden State Warriors organization, Diane and her daughter Nicole, Peter of iVenture Consulting, and LeapFrog, there are people who care all year long. We do not need to wish it could be Christmas all year long because these amazing people proactively take action to love all these beautiful children even when no one is looking. Thank you all for collaborating with the Nicholas Colby Fund toward "Helping Children Be Children".
Throughout Nicholas' journey and as his story continues, we thank everyone reading this journal because you directly and indirectly "are there" for us.
WE MENTIONED DISNEYLAND!
On December 13, 2006, the Nicholas Colby Fund sent Camilia and her family to Disneyland…another place that Nicholas loved. Coincidently, Nicholas met Camilia at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and he loved to play and have fun with her throughout the hospital. From playing in the hospital rooms to walks in the hallways they had fun. And today, Camilia is playing and having fun at Disneyland with the most wonderful thoughts of Nicholas…it is a small world after all!
LABOR OF LOVE…
We have been very active this month with the Nicholas Colby Fund and it seems to be the right time to be laboring a little bit harder toward helping children to have a wonderful Christmas time of year. While everyday is bittersweet because we miss Nicholas so, so much, the work with the Fund is a labor of love and a way that we can continue to love Nicholas doing what he continues to do…placing smiles on faces and warming hearts.
Thank you God for having Nicholas with You and perfectly full of love and happiness. Nicholas, we love you so, so much. But, you know that we do because "we just know…"
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Saturday, December 16, 2006 11:59 PM CST
HOW WE LIVE
Holiday decorating inside and outside of the house has been difficult. The beauty of Christmas sights, sounds, and scents are wonderfully sweet and uplifting...and we remember Nicholas being part of it all. He loved the colorful lights, the music, and candy canes. On Christmas day it will be 7 months since Nicholas passed on to Heaven. Each day since he has passed our lives have been empty AND at the same time so full of colorful, angelic, and sweet everything because of Nicholas. So this evening at the Holiday Magic On Ice performance, while we were without Nicholas, he was and continues to be an amazing part of our lives and the lives of so many people through The Nicholas Colby Fund.
At the Holiday Magic On Ice performance there were new faces of children via The Nicholas Colby Fund & hopes naturally expressed from parents. Tonight (and our hope tomorrow afternoon during another performance) the faces on the children and their parents revealed joy and happiness. These beautiful sights help to make us feel happy. Caring for Nicholas in the ways we continue to do and because of God we are able to live. What a treat seeing the interaction of the child performers with those from The Nicholas Colby Fund. Okay, you probably know how we will summarize the interaction in just one sentence: Love begetting love.
As we live and go about life it is so wonderful to find notes from Nicholas that he had written during his life. Nicholas loved to write and wrote about everything: what he liked, what he liked about others, what he wanted to do for others, and lots of drawings of hearts as well as rainbows. We found a note today while taking out more Christmas items-it was another one of his wish lists.
"10/23/05
To Santa and to Rudolph:
One of these items, choose which one. Please, please, please.
- The baker thing (Nicholas was referring to an Easy Bake Oven. Remember he liked Rachael Ray as written in the December 11, 2006 journal.)
- Computer (Nicholas received a computer on his January 27, 2006 birthday. The happiness on his face was illuminating as experienced in pictures with his computer on the third album below-under Links-scrolling to January 28 & 29.)
- Couple video games
- Play gun
Thank you Rudolph and Santa, have a merry Christmas.
Love, Nicholas"
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Friday, December 15, 2006 11:59 PM CST
***ANOTHER SPECIAL EXPERIENCE-THIS WEEKEND***
This weekend (Saturday and Sunday) dozens of patients, with their siblings and parents or guardians, from Children Hospital Oakland will experience Holiday Magic On Ice at The Oakland Ice Center.
Before Nicholas was diagnosed with Leukemia, there was a beautiful little girl he befriended that was a few years older than he was. During high school basketball games he and Nicole enjoyed time together…children being children. And now, through an idea born from her mother (Diane) and collaboration with the Oakland Ice Arena, one of the coaches (Brenda) producing the ice show, and an incredible contributor to the patients experience…The Nicholas Colby Fund is again "Helping Children Be Children".
The ice show: good music, great ice skating, and a lot of magical lights await the children. And that is not all, many parents of the ice skaters have arranged an after party for the children where they will have a meet & greet with the performers and some gifts. THE INCREDIBLE CONTRIBUTOR stated above in itself is collaboration at work for children via Peter at iVenture Consulting and LeapFrog (maker of computerized educational toys). Through The Nicholas Colby Fund communications with iVenture Consulting, LeapFrog is providing items for each of the patients and their siblings. Our phrase of love begetting love is so fitting for everyone associated with this experience-thank you!
WHAT THE WARRIORS SAID LAST NIGHT ABOUT NICHOLAS
Reflecting back on the Warriors' event last night we are so grateful that the Warriors organization truly loves Nicholas and focuses their collaboration with The Nicholas Colby Fund, on Nicholas. On the cover of last night's "Tip Off" program (information provided at each game) the Warriors had The Nicholas Colby Fund logo and the following in the Community Corner section:
"The Warriors would like to welcome children and families from the Nicholas Colby Fund to tonight's game. The Nicholas Colby Fund is a non-profit organization which helps create lasting childhood memories by providing exceptional playful opportunities that uplift the spirit of a child diagnosed with cancer, a degenerating condition, or other life-threatening illness.
"Nicholas Colby Gilbert was a dedicated Warriors fan who was close to the Warriors family. Nicholas passed away at the age of six after a year and a half battle with Leukemia. Nicholas' legacy lives on through the Fund…"
THE DETAILS WE TALKED ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Perhaps the guestbook entries from today provide details about the experience last night from the perspective of the patients and their families without any further comments from us. And like the Warriors focus on Nicholas, we were so pleased to read the guestbook entries focusing on Nicholas' spirit as the catalyst for "Helping Children Be Children".
However, pictures may place a spotlight on the experience so this weekend we intend to create a very small photo album just of last night's pictures that we shot (there will be more provided by the Warriors camera / film crew). We also intend to place a link in one of this weekend's journals so you can access the album to see Nicholas' story continuing in the faces, bright eyes, and smiles on faces of children.
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Thursday, December 14, 2006 11:59 PM CST
NICHOLAS' FULL LIFE…AND HIS CARING WAYS CONTINUED-AMAZING NIGHT
We are so grateful that Nicholas had a "full and amazing" life; remember the poignant way someone from New York who never met Nicholas and only experienced Nicholas through this website said in a June 8, 2006 guestbook entry: "…his seemed a life short of nothing but time." Tonight the Golden State Warriors and The Nicholas Colby Fund-from what we heard from the patients and their families-provided a full and amazing time for four families from Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital.
From a private suite to the Warriors Owner's Room where they were greeted by Warriors player, Troy Murphy, Thunder (Warriors mascot), and a host of Warriors staff, these beautiful patients and their families experienced caring and love. One patient said it was like Disneyland and another said they felt like a celebrity, in terms of the love and attention expressed for them. And we are exhausted from the joy of love and happiness so we will provide more details and pictures over the next couple of days.
Nicholas, we love you, we love you, we love you! As we continue "Helping Children Be Children" we are caring for you. And just like the joy even older children and adults experienced with you, tonight along with the children the adults said they had a great time! Thank you son, and thank You God for continually loving and caring for us.
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Wednesday, December 13, 2006 11:59 PM CST
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS & NICHOLAS' PRESENCE AND PRESENT TO US ALL
In a journal last week (under Journal History) we talked about the Christmas time of year. And for us, this Christmas it will be 7 months since our precious son, our angel-Nicholas-transcended to Heaven. God…Jesus…Heaven must have needed an angel that amazingly have been showing so many people how to love because unquestionably Nicholas just being Nicholas was love begetting love. We miss all aspects of Nicholas' physical presence and really do sense his spirit and love…never gone, never far.
We said, as Christmas nears and through connections of the spirit-of-Christmas love is revealed that help us along the way. Experiences like the Nicholas Colby Fund and "believe" surprises received along the way are tributes that wonderfully continue the story of Nicholas. Thinking about the 12-days-of-Christimas, we received the following poem from a friend; we can hear and feel Nicholas' presence. With this poem…the story of Nicholas does continue:
Merry Christmas From Heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights
I still share your hopes
And all of your cares
I'll even remind you
To please say your prayers
I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd
Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place
You don't have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue to climb
To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way
I love you all dearly
Now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.
© & ® Copyright 1990. John Wm. Mooney Jr.
All Rights Reserved
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Tuesday, December 12, 2006 11:59 PM CST
WHAT WE HAVE ALWAYS EXPERIENCED
Since Nicholas' leukemia journey there have been many phrases we have regularly expressed. Following are some of them:
- God's omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience
- You are my love, you are my Angel, you are a dream of a son
- We just know (referring to general talks with Nicholas months before he passed that whether or not we see each other we will always "just know" that we are in each others hearts and souls)
- Love begetting love
- Never gone, never far
- In our hearts and souls forever
- All these beautiful children
- Our angel, Nicholas, we do not have to see you to know that you are here
We thought about these phrases that are what we experience, and so many others along with thoughts expressed by many of you during Nicholas' journey and Nicholas' continued journey as our Angel. As we blend all of these thoughts a beautiful picture of God's love surfaces and is imbedded in our hearts and souls. Every single day since Nicholas passed brings sadness; and we are so thankful that there are so many beautiful memories & experiences of Nicholas, of God, of Love. As we reflect, we also live today loving God more and more along with Nicholas, and envision being with God and Nicholas in that "perfect place."
THROUGH REFLECTION WE EXPERIENCE…NICHOLAS TOUCHED ALL WHO KNEW HIM WITH HIS DYNAMIC SMILE AND PERSONALITY
His amazing spirit, energy, enthusiasm, joy, and endless passion for caring about others continue to amaze us all-providing an inspiration for love and life. Everyone blessed to know him, loved him, and loves him today.
WITH LOVE WE EXPERIENCE…NICHOLAS' LEGACY WILL LIVE ON THROUGH…THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND
To keep in the spirit of Nicholas' passion for caring about others is the foundation of the Nicholas Colby Fund. As you have read the non-profit Fund helps create lasting childhood memories by providing exceptional playful opportunities that uplift the spirit of a child diagnosed with cancer, a degenerating condition, or other life-threatening illness. With awareness and sensitivity the Nicholas Colby Fund works to deliver amazing experiences for children and their families through trusted acts of love and compassion, "Helping Children Be Children".
"GIFTS"-WHAT WE HEARD TODAY
From one of the hospitals: …just being a part of Nicholas' life was gift enough; it is a privilege to be a part of the Nicholas Colby Fund : )
From a grandmother: …thank you for the gift of the Warriors' tickets that was given to my grandson at Children's Hospital Oakland…he will enjoy the game because he loves the Warriors. Small world, I have been working here at AAA and I see you around.
IT IS A SMALL WORLD
As hard as physically being without Nicholas is, it is a "small world" with multiple reasons there are constant reminders of Nicholas that make us sad and some that make us smile. And in this "small world" we continue to be blessed by love begetting love. Thank you! And to us, in some ways, caring for Nicholas via the Nicholas Colby Fund comforts our hearts and our souls…love begetting love.
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Monday, December 11, 2006 10:53 PM CST
ONE OF NICHOLAS' FAVORITE CELEBRITIES (Did you know?)
Mom and nanny (Kimmy) got to visit one of Nicholas' favorite celebrities tonight, Rachel Ray. An Emmy-winning television personality and author, who currently hosts the syndicated series Rachael Ray. In addition, she currently hosts (either in first-run or reruns) four different programs on cable television's Food Network (30 Minute Meals, $40 a Day, Inside Dish, and Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels), and has authored a series of cookbooks based on the 30 Minute Meals concept.
Rachael Ray was at the Sir La Table store in Berkeley for a signing of her newest cookbook "2, 4, 6, 8 Great Meals for Couples or Crowds." Mom wrote a special note to leave for Rachel on the back of her business card as a last minute thought. It said that the only time mom got to watch what she wanted on TV during Nicholas' leukemia journey was if Rachel Ray was on. We hope Rachael Ray knows how much our little prince loved her.
It was a slightly tearful night as mom was standing in line to meet Rachael Ray to have the newest cookbook signed. Conversations started in line with the folks in front and back of mom and nanny. Mom told them that she was there in honor of Nicholas (our beautiful little boy who passed away in May) who loved Rachel Ray, so mom was getting her book signed for Nicholas. Rachel was gracious enough to address the book to "Angel Nicholas!" And Rachael Ray even drew a little sunshine on top of the "A" of Angel. She is such an enthusiastic, energetic person and her expression regarding Nicholas was very beautiful and was a heartfelt touch. Thank you Rachel Ray!
EVER DAY, EVERY NIGHT
Not a day or night goes by without extremely deep thoughts and prayers about Nicholas. Something special still happens just like when Nicholas wanted us to hold him, pat him, pray with him, and simply love those moments together. Every day and night we experience special moments as our thoughts turn to prayers as well as melodies. Sometimes the melodies are of songs Nicholas loved, sometimes we simply create songs from the love constantly felt for / from Nicholas. And like the spirit of the holidays…the Christmas songs allow us to sing to Nicholas in loving, touching ways that seem to comfort us.
Sweet Nicholas, you are completely and perfectly loved! Oh Father, we pray, we are so grateful that Nicholas is with you and nothing, nothing does he fear nor do we fear. Thank You, Father!
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Sunday, December 10, 2006 11:39 PM CST
LOVE, LISTENING, SHARING, GIVING
At Nicholas' site mom saw a cloud in the shape of a heart-a heart-and what was in the middle made an impact as much as the shape. In the middle there was a hole: seemingly a reflection of the hole that forever is in our hearts. While there are so many reflections of God's love and Nicholas' love…the holes remain. With Nicholas' passing we do not understand so many things; and, of course, we are so grateful for the love from God. We trust God and know that He is comforting us and the holes are not bigger than God…
Sharing and giving have always been part of Nicholas and remains a part of our lives today through the Nicholas Colby Fund.
SEASON OF GIVING
The Nicholas Colby Fund and the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) are partnering again toward "Helping Children Be Children". Working with Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital, the Nicholas Colby Fund and the Warriors are sending patients and their families to the December 14, 2006 Warriors game against the Houston Rockets.
After the game, the patients and their families will be escorted into the Warriors owner's room. A holiday atmosphere will welcome them in where Warriors players will meet & greet the patients / families. Selected gifts from a wish list secretly secured will be delivered to each patient as well as their siblings. The Warriors provided lots of love and fun for Nicholas before, during, and after his leukemia journey. Amazingly, they continue to be there for Nicholas and so many other kids providing a Great Time Out (part of their slogan) lovingly blending with the Nicholas Colby Fund and our focus on "Helping Children Be Children".
Nicholas, son, we love you so very much! Son, I do not think we ever talked about the word legacy; however, we can say it is every aspect of what you beautifully provided and continue to provide-love. Our work with what is part of your legacy through the Nicholas Colby Fund, in some ways lets us love you dearly now and forever more.
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Saturday, December 9, 2006 11:59 PM CST
WONDERING WHY eased back more into our thoughts today. We are thankful these thoughts eased in versus rushing in because it would be so hard to continually have piercing thoughts of why, pounding away at us. Months ago, there was this little girl who poignantly wrote about Nicholas, about wondering why (November 11, 2005 journal). We are also thankful for understanding the love, light, and heavenly life that perfectly provides for Nicholas.
Another surprise left at our door seemingly was left as the notion it provided was needed even more now than at other times. The surprise: Silver angel ornament, "Always Remembered," holding a scroll that reads, "I am with you because you remember me."
And the message from the scroll uses words with the same context constantly stated in these journal entries:
"I know I am with you in your prayers, your thoughts, your heart. And though you cannot see me, I will always be a part of life's sweet celebrations in those times when you reflect on how, though things are different, through our love, we still connect. We'll see each other someday when our spirits all are free, until then, I am with you because you remember me."
Well, although these are just words, with God's omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience it is no wonder why Nicholas is an amazing part of our lives and "with" us-because we tenderly and plentifully remember Nicholas. Sweet Nicholas, we know that you do not need us to "say" to you that you are in the "perfect place" because we know you are "living" in Heaven. We do say it because it feels good to let you "know" that we know. Thank You, God, for Your promises of love...
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Friday, December 8, 2006 11:59 PM CST
OUR ANGEL
We think-sweet dreams my angel, and we think-sweet joy my angel knowing that God is so very pleased with Nicholas. Nicholas' life was and is beautiful because of the love that enabled him to sail into the hearts and lives of others. Do you remember the joy Nicholas expressed while loving others? Do you remember the gentleness expressed in pictures of Nicholas at play or rest?
All the love the Nicholas Colby Fund, Helping Children Be Children, provides in the lives of children is a bright reflection of God's work in Nicholas that continues to light up so many lives. We are glad to help others and we are sad missing our angel. We feel joy and have dreams of nothing except Nicholas' brilliant everything. Our prayers continue to fill us and refill us with God's love and Nicholas perfect life in Heaven.
God has not left us; it is just so hard not having Nicholas physically with us. We pray, Father…, and let the joy of His name comfort us. We sense the comfort Nicholas felt when he called out to us, father…mother. And now as Nicholas calls out to our Father, in Heaven, we smile trusting that Nicholas is comforted by pure perfection that our Father heavenly provides.
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Thursday, December 7, 2006 11:59 PM CST
STREETCORNER SYMPHONY (song by Rob Thomas)
Following is a song providing something experienced at work…that seems to connect different time periods of Nicholas' life before & during the leukemia journey and even now. And connects our lives with Nicholas, our other sons, our family, and friends-all of you:
It's morning
I wake up
The taste of summer sweetness on my mind
It's a clear day
In this city
Let's go dance under the streetlights
All the people in this world
Let's come together
More than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it
Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers of every different color
Can't you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight
Things will be all right
Try to find a better life
Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers there for one another
Come on over
Man I know you wanna let yourself go
Some people
It's a pity
They go all their lives and never know
How to love or let love go
But it's all right now
We'll make it through this somehow
And we'll paint the perfect picture
All the colors of this world will run together more than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it
We may never find our reason to shine
But here and now this is our time
And I may never find the meaning of life
But for this moment I am fine
NICHOLAS, WE ALWAYS EXPRESSED, SHOWN, AND TOLD YOU WE LOVE YOU
You "just know"...and you are never gone, never far. You are forever in our hearts and souls...and thoughts, experiences, life... God, we love You and thank You for having Nicholas with You as Nicholas plays & has fun with Jesus and loved-ones from everywhere.
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Wednesday, December 6, 2006 11:15 PM CST
A TREASURED GIFT…AND THE GIFT SHARED
We know life goes on AND it is so hard to just go on with life without Nicholas being a part of our lives. To this point, we are thankful that God gave us Nicholas-an amazing gift that is and will forever be treasured in our lives and the things we do. It is a beautiful blessing to see all the things treasured about Nicholas in our lives, the lives of our other three sons, and the lives of others (treasured moments shared with us).
Treasured parts of Nicholas are the foundation and springboard for the actions taken through the Nicholas Colby Fund, Helping Children Be Children. For us, in warm and loving ways, the actions taken with the Nicholas Colby Fund are expressions of caring for Nicholas.
BELIEVE
Believe! Anonymous surprises seemingly have sprinkled "pixie dust" on our lives and we thank God for these blessings. Remember, Nicholas liked Peter Pan a lot so "pixie dust" is fitting. Surprise, a Christmas wreath with a "Believe" placard at our doorstep was the latest sprinkling of love. Like another anonymous surprise we talked about in the November 25, 2006 journal…the Willow Tree father figurine holding a golden heart at his heart…sprinkles of love warmly touch our lives everyday.
Believing is not just about tangible things received; it is simply about love. Thank you, all!
SOMETHING TO SHARE ON DECEMBER 13
As Christmas nears and connections of the spirit-of-Christmas revealing love to help us along the way…things like the Nicholas Colby Fund and "believe" surprises along the way…on the December 13 journal we will share something that perhaps tells a thankful-story to you.
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Tuesday, December 5, 2006 11:59 PM CST
NICHOLAS AND HAWAII
Remember the many journal entries about…and pictures before and after "all this leukemia and bone marrow stuff" of…Nicholas and Hawaii? From swimming with dolphins, jet skiing, snorkeling, sunsets, on the beach with his life-long friend Joey, making new friends, playing in the sand, and on-and-on. Remember the story behind the Na Hoku ring for mom (August 18, 2006 journal and connection to Mother's Day 2006 with Nicholas and our other sons in Denver)? Well, actually, Nicholas and Hawaii as well as Nicholas and just about anyplace there is a loving story.
TODAY…SIGNIFICANT EXPERIEINCE ABOUT NICHOLAS' STORY CONTINUING
Similar to what we have heard from many of you about Nicholas' story continuing, today there was another significant experience about Nicholas' story continuing!
It is a story about a relationship that began before Nicholas was born and continued in some very close ways throughout his life. Today we heard from a friend for the first time in a while. She talked about the fact she was in Maui, Hawaii when Nicholas passed. We heard that she learned a lot about Maui and how it is considered the heart of the world in many respects… Hearing the word, heart, has a significant meaning to us and you have read a lot about our incredible connection with Nicholas; for example, "Forever in our hearts and souls."
Our friend expressed…"no wonder Nicholas had a special bond with Hawaii." She was sad that she was not here when Nicholas passed and was glad she was in Nicholas' special place-Hawaii-because of his fondness for Hawaii. Today she was excited to receive her piece of Nicholas; you know the puzzle piece given to everyone at his Memorial Service / Celebration of Life. Can you hear Nicholas saying, "Do you want a piece of me?" And what our friend gave us today is a treasure that will forever be in our hearts and souls.
Nicholas, every single day your loving touch blesses us. Thank you sweet prince…oops, I mean king! We love you so, so much and are glad that "we just know that we are in each others hearts and souls." Because of God we can feel each other and we are all okay. Remember, Nicholas, how you would say, "I'm okay!" in that beautiful, playful way.
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Monday, December 4, 2006 10:24 PM CST
JOY BELLS AND THE SIGHT, SOUNDS, & SMELL OF CHRISTMAS are everywhere. Children running up to their parents…hearing parents or loved ones talking about the loving gift for a child…the talk of visits with grandparents…hearing the Christmas vacations for students…and on-and-on. Here too, for us these are bittersweet moments in a way although we are not bitter because we experienced-and even today experience-love with Nicholas through God. It has been-and even today is-Love that enables us to experience the sweetness of Nicholas. Although it is very hard these days as much as others, we welcome Love to guide us through our days trusting that Love will enable love in our lives to more than get us through the days & nights.
We may not always have smiles on our faces. However, we always do have smiles from Nicholas and God's breath that fills our hearts & souls with love.
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Sunday, December 3, 2006 11:03 PM CST
SIMPLE MOMENTS TREASURED
A lot of squirrels roam our back yard and it is common to see them on the back patio running around. When Nicholas sat in the family room and saw the squirrels getting into mom's potted plants, Nicholas would call out to mom: "Mom, a squirrel is in your plants!" He seemed to enjoy tattling on the squirrels to see mom chase the squirrel away.
We could hear his voice now and see the joy on his face-a simple pleasure that we treasure.
JOURNAL HISTORY
Remember, clicking on Journal History above enables you to see the journal from yesterday (a loving contrast to the bedtime prayer Nicholas prayed and out at a basketball game for LPCH patients), the day before yesterday (wishing it could be Christmas all year long), and every day back to day 1 (and the amazing love Nicholas expressed on this night) of Nicholas' leukemia journey...reading about our little sunshine's amazing love and blessings from everyone & everywhere through God.
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (2)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, December 2, 2006 11:59 PM CST
A LOVING CONTRAST: NICHOLAS THEN AND NOW
The first lines in the three paragraphs below is the prayer Nicholas said at bedtime; and the second line of the three paragraphs is what came to us today when placing Christmas decorations at Nicholas' site.
(For those new to Nicholas' website, referring to the third photo album below, under Links, you can view photos of his site at Oakmont Memorial Park in Lafayette and how we transition it for Nicholas by scrolling to 6/6/06, 6/17/06, 6/19/06, 6/24/06, 10/22/06, 11/11/06, and 11/21/06.)
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to the Lord my soul to keep
Now I rise to be, daily with Jesus and God with me
Thy Love be with me, through the night
Love surrounds me, and everything is bright
And wake me with the heavenly, morning light
I am awake, I am free, and everything is all right
PATIENTS WITH THEIR FAMILIES equal LOVE & TOGETHERNESS
Responses from the four beautiful kids and their families tonight at the Golden State Warriors' basketball game, certainly, let us know that Nicholas and the Nicholas Colby Fund was "Helping Children Be Children". And a visit by "Thunder" was a nice touch completing the outing…"It's A Great Time Out" (the Warriors' slogan).
PHOTOS of three of the kids with "Thunder" are on the third photo album below, under Links.
NICHOLAS
Nicholas, sweetie, we love you every moment of every day, with every breath taken is a kiss to you, and as we have always said: you are never gone, never far, in our hearts & souls is where you are…and we are with you sweetie!
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Friday, December 1, 2006 11:59 PM CST
WHY SO MANY WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR LONG
So another month is over and a new one has just begun. Perhaps because it is the month for Christmas, we are thinking about our lives and-truly-everyone near us, around us, and far from us. We are thinking about "all of these beautiful children," children everywhere, and adults everywhere. And thinking about Christmas, we think about the joy that only God can give. In doing so we think about sadness, weakness, and joy experienced. Our prayers, our hope, and our trust is that the joy of Christmas helps to remove all the fear that can surface with troubling or trying times.
For us, the joy of Christmas can truly be all year long. God's love kept us from fear and removed doubt even when we were sad or weak. Amazingly, even when understandably we are sad or weak from missing Nicholas so very much, joy through God takes over as we welcome Him in, and He comforts our sore hearts. So even as another month of missing Nicholas approaches, we see love throughout our lives, blessings in every part of our lives, joy surrounding Nicholas as he plays at Jesus' feet, and healing in ways we just cannot understand. As our hearts are comforted, our souls seem to be free to be nearer to Nicholas. We pray that the joy of Christmas stays with us all year long…and is realized by all, all year long.
***SATURDAY NIGHT***
Remember, Saturday night the Nicholas Colby Fund is sending patients / families from Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital to the Warriors' game tonight, in a suite, with a special halftime visit by Thunder (the Warriors' mascot). Please see the November 29 journal about Nicholas, the Warriors, and Thunder.
Thursday, November 30, 2006 9:47 PM CST
HOW SMILES SURFACE ABOVE HEARTACHES AND STOMACH PAIN
In this past Tuesday's journal we talked about God's speed and we recognize the November 28, 2006 thoughts were connecting with the July 23 & 21, 2006 journals. The circle-of-love and love-begetting-love notions have been our passion in loving and caring for Nicholas. And since May 25, 2006, these notions have carried us in virtually every dimension-through God. We had never let go of God, trusting Him completely enabling us to devote every measure of energy and time to loving Nicholas…resulting in Nicholas "living" through the awful medical journey! Remember his smiles along the way?
Nicholas "lived" life and lives… In may seem unusual, however, through God and trusting Him, smiles surface through our heartaches and stomach pain. The heartaches and stomach pain are because we miss Nicholas so, so much. The smiles are because Nicholas is with God, and Jesus, so there is nothing for us to fear-NOTHING. And this amazing, wonderful knowledge provides great peace. We just miss Nicholas so and thankful Nicholas is never gone, never far…
HEALED IN HEAVEN…ANOTHER VIEW OF NEVER GONE, NEVER FAR: Through the circle-of-love and love-begetting-love notions we engage directly and/or indirectly with other parents of children on cancer journeys. Through one indirect connection we learned of writings from a piece of work titled, "Healed in Heaven."
"This author describes the death of a child to an experience he had as a young boy, watching fireworks with his mother. He was so awed by the beauty of the fireworks that he unknowingly wandered away from his mother. She spent a desperate 10 minutes trying to find him, shouting and screaming his name, fear tearing her apart. And just as he turned to say, "Mommy, look at that one!" she appeared around the corner. For her, the separation was agonizing; for him, it was as if those 10 minutes simply didn't exist, he was so absorbed in the glory before him."
This is another reason why we are blessed to know God, to know Nicholas is "playing and having fun…" with Jesus. This, to us, is God's speed that we talk about. Thank you, God!
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006 11:48 PM CST
PLEASANT MEMORIES OF A TIME PAST, AND TIMES EXPERIENCED AGAIN
WARRIORS...Once again, the Nicholas Colby Fund is sending patients to a Golden State Warriors basketball game. Tonight, we delivered tickets to Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital (LPCH) for this coming Saturday night's game. Four families will be guests of the Nicholas Colby Fund in a private suite for a great time out. A social worker said this experience would be a "huge shinning light" for one of the little boys.
THUNDER...Remember how incredibly wonderful the Warriors' mascot, Thunder, was with Nicholas? Well, we arranged for Thunder to pay a special visit to the suite on Saturday night toward "Helping Children Be Children". We are trusting this added touch will further add to smiles for these children and their families. Nicholas thoroughly enjoyed engaging with Thunder; it brought him joy. THANK YOU, Golden State Warriors for your amazing contributions to people-even when no one is looking!
MEMORIES...The pleasant memories tonight started with a ride from my San Francisco office to LPCH to deliver the tickets. Friends were a constant presence in Nicholas' journey and being "there" for Nicholas and mom & dad. So the ride tonight with a friend who played with Nicholas in the hospital and at our home, enabled reflections on the fun and funny experiences Nicholas had.
And the memories continued at the hospital tonight when the greeting by the nurses and medical team was more a loving welcome! We reflected on the joy and great engagement Nicholas had with them...we smiled, laughed, cried, and smiled. Nicholas, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006 11:29 PM CST
GOD'S SPEED
Missing Nicholas, sometimes the "walls seem to close in" and anxiety becomes excruciating. As we focus on God and prayers, our tears are always wiped away and we seem to see Nicholas' sparkling eyes, hear his soothing voice, and feel his sensational love. We have always relied on God during Nicholas' journey and there really were many blessings along the way.
Because God is God we absolutely trust that He does not have bad days so His work has to be perfect. We still hurt so much…and thankfully we have God's constant love working in our lives trusting that His perfect work will have us seeing and being with Nicholas. Oh how soothing it is to call out to God, just hearing His name rhythmically strikes our vocal cords, hearts, and souls in a way that leaves us believing and trusting His words to perfectly deliver what He says they will.
Sweet Nicholas, your streets of gold and vibrant rainbows must be fulfilling your eyes, your heart, your soul…and with God's speed you are perfectly at play while mom & dad, your brothers, your family, and your friends will be with you in God's speed.
(Please refer to the July 23, 2006 and July 1, 2006 journal entries under Journal History about our thoughts on God's speed.)
And we are so glad we read to you, "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson, on May 25, 2006 because although we know you heard and felt all the love in the room, the words from the book reinforced God's love for you and His perfect work for you…the next place. We are comforted knowing you heard the following excerpts from "The Next Place" and are experiencing them to be true (on the back of the standing marker):
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I'll never be alone; I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one. And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
I'll have the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared…the happiness and memories and magic that we shared. I will cherish all the friendships I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me; they will make my spirit glow. And the light will shine forever in the next place that I go.
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Monday, November 27, 2006 11:40 PM CST
NEVER EASY, SOMETIMES HARDER, ALWAYS DIFFERENT, AND…
We continually are thankful for being able to get through the days and nights. With time going by it has never been easy. Sometimes it is excruciating hard. It has always been different in terms of our emotions-like the proverbial roller coaster we talked about during Nicholas' leukemia journey. And constantly we feel love and a sense of calm when we need it most. We have always recognized blessings along Nicholas' journey and even today.
It is not easy to understand the blessings amidst the pain. However, as amazing as Nicholas always has been and as amazing as God is, everything perfect and pure has to be going on for Nicholas so we can hear Nicholas saying, "I'm okay" in the beautiful, playful way that he does. It is absolutely never easy; it is hard. And with Nicholas and with God-spirit and love-we have to be okay.
EARLIER PICTURES OF NICHOLAS
We have been asked about earlier pictures of Nicholas so the first photo album below (a few months before diagnosis), under Links, has been updated to include just about all of the pictures from the video tribute that was played during the Memorial Service / Celebration of Life, and many more. Please click on the first album below and see the joy and love of Nicholas-thank you God!
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Sunday, November 26, 2006 10:09 PM CST
A PARENT'S LOVE
Nicholas looked to us as his parents to love him and to assure him that he would be protected from anything contrary to love…it is not just a role, a responsibility, or a job of parents…it is the love of a parent and what we all unquestionably do! A parent's love is everything to a child. It means the world to a child. Parents are heroes and heroines in the eyes of a child…
It is so easy to talk with Nicholas and to talk with God through prayer. And it is so hard not to be EVERYTHING that your child needs. Honestly, it is so hard; and we trust and believe God's love as our Father that because He is omnipotent, He is omnipresent, and He is omniscience He is not just unquestionably loving Nicholas-He is wonderfully providing and delivering EVERYTHING to Nicholas. Smile sweetie, Jesus loves you and our Father, God, is loving you. You completely see this now and it is everything that you need. We are so thankful that you are not in need or want of anything because love is EVERYTHING and you have all the love from your parents, from Jesus, and from our Father-God. You know this and for us, as we talk to you and pray it helps us to just know…
SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE IN THE WORLD
Sweetie, Nicholas, we know the world needs to change regarding all of these beautiful children having to experience things like leukemia. And we know that loving God and loving our children is the start of EVERYTHING wonderful and great. A little boy yesterday told me that he wished he could have met you because his parents told him so many wonderful things about you. This little boy, well 10-year old boy, said he saw for himself that you are wonderful because he reads your story and sees your love through your website.
Nicholas, after this little boy said he wished he could meet you, he asked me if I knew that he was related to me and to you. As I looked at him, this little boy said we are all related. And I knew that through this little boy and his thinking that the world could change if we all just listened and loved. Nicholas, you, son, have been changing the world in amazing ways with your smile, your caring nature, your energy, your strength, your love...
The notion of changing the world is also through the loving actions of the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children". Nicholas described things that were wonderful and great as: sweet; tight; cool… Out of the mouths of babes! Nicholas, you are amazingly sweet, tight, and cool in every way imaginable.
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (8)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, November 25, 2006 11:59 PM CST
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL…
SOMETHING SAID. This morning Nicholas' teacher, Ms. Shirley, met us at his site because today was 6 months since Nicholas has passed. Something she said while dad was playing at the site reminded us of the song from Disneyland (of course, Nicholas loved Disneyland), "It's A Small World After All." What she said was, "It is wonderful to think of you and your feet on the "globe" with Nicholas behind you. A father with the spirit of his son frolicking around having fun on the sacred ground of Nicholas and others, lightly interacting with the spirits of others as well."
SOMETHING EXPERIENCED. As dad helped Ms. Shirley move this morning there was another notion of "It's A Small World After All." Taking boxes into an elevator, off steps a familiar face…she looked at me and I looked at her. And we both said, Oh, hi!" It was one of Nicholas' nurses from Children's Hospital Oakland. What a wonderful moment: Nicholas' amazing, caring teacher and one of his amazing, caring nurses…same time and same place…you can probably imagine the wonderful stories to be shared about Nicholas from school days to his hospital stays.
SOMETHING DONE. Remember we talked about the Willow Tree sculptures (November 22, 2006 journal)? Today there was a heart-touching moment as dad walked unto Nicholas' spot and next to the little boy and angelic woman sculptures…was a Willow Tree "Heart of Gold" sculpture of a man holding a golden heart with his two hands and the golden heart next to his heart. We do not know who placed the sculpture at Nicholas' spot-we trust you feel our heartfelt thank you! You helped to create warm, wonderful moments of Nicholas and reflections of our everlasting love / connection.
SOMETHING FELT. Other people visited Nicholas' spot today, and we suspect some did virtually. Thank you all so very much! What seems to continue is the celebration of Nicholas' life blended with heart & soul warming, touching reflections of love and all that love is, all that love can do, and all that love does. Again, thank you for helping Nicholas' story to continue…
NOTES:
1) See three pictures of Nicholas playing and having fun…by clicking on View Photos on this site.
2) Because we received a few inquiries about seeing the new standing marker stated in the November 21, 2006 journal, to view the marker and the poignant wording on the front and the back please click on the third album below under Links and scroll to November 21, 2006.
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Friday, November 24, 2006 11:59 PM CST
TOMORROW WILL BE 6 MONTHS SINCE NICHOLAS TRANSCENDED TO HEAVEN
The photo above on this Home Page and the three photos seen by clicking on View Photos (above) show Nicholas…playing and having fun… Nicholas' love is soothing and wonderful even with nature, snorkeling in Hawaii, basketball at home, and swinging at home. While tomorrow will be 6 months since Nicholas transcended to Heaven, we are so grateful that Nicholas always asked, "Do you want a piece of me?" Because there are pieces of Nicholas everywhere, along with everything about Nicholas that is never gone, never far…
Following is a message from one of Nicholas' nurses:
…Satchel will be 1-years old tomorrow, November 25, 2006, which is Nicholas' 6th month date in Heaven. Nicholas and Satchel's picture remains on our refrigerator (remember the picture of Nicholas holding baby Satchel wearing the red/white striped shirt-picture taken on 2/6/06 and in the third album below). Jarrett (a couple years older than Satchel) often looks up and says, "There's Nicholas; there's Nicholas' mom!" And I say yep, and where is he now? And he says, "With Jesus." It is nice to know that my son knows who your son is, even if it is only by picture, because I feel like it's a connection for me, his legacy lives on.
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Thursday, November 23, 2006 11:59 PM CST
PLEASE CLICK ON "VIEW PHOTOS" ABOVE-THANKSGIVING MESSAGES
Remember, Nicholas called turkeys the "big chickens." Please click on View Photos, above, to see the second and third of the 3 pictures readily accessible to view without leaving this website: The "big chickens" and one of Nicholas' turkeys that he created that is with a message to the staff at Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital & a separate message to the parents of children that Thanksgiving dinner was provided to via the Nicholas Colby Fund.
THANKS…Thanksgiving Day meant a time each of us, going around the table, would state what we were thankful for. Today was our first Thanksgiving out of a hospital in the last three years and although we did not go around the table stating what we are thankful for, there were constant reflections and memories of Nicholas shared-and Nicholas, is, what we are thankful for!
Like we trust God is fulfilling Nicholas completely and perfectly…we trust the sweet, gentle, loving character and spirit of Nicholas is so recognized & realized that Nicholas completely knows & feels thanks / love for him perfectly fulfilling our hearts through God. And we trust Nicholas feels the thanks from the parents at CHO & LPCH for the Thanksgiving dinners and more importantly the appreciation from the parents and staff for his amazing spirit, inspiration, and love that is everywhere.
We often talk about Nicholas' love…today seeing and feeling the appreciation from parents of children in the oncology wards where Nicholas roamed (remember, Nicholas found ways to be joyful in the hospital) and talking with the nurses that Nicholas loved, demonstrated to us that his love truly does vibrantly live on through the people & places he touched and continues to touch.
Thank you, God, for Nicholas! Thank you CHO & LPCH (and The Children's Hospital-Denver) for the way you were and are with Nicholas. Thank you, all of you (family, friends, and new friends that continue today because of Nicholas), for extending your friendship and love. Nicholas was blessed to have you all in his life (and so were / are we). The following saying is so right for Nicholas: Some people only dream of angels, we held one, hold one, and are blessed to have one in our life-Nicholas.
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006 11:59 PM CST
***Please click on View Photos, above, to see three new pictures***
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! WE PRAY FOR HEALING, COMFORT, & INSPIRATION "FOR ALL"
TOMORROW, THANKSGIVING DAY, THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND HELPING PARENTS TOO
Tomorrow, through the Nicholas Colby fund, we will deliver Thanksgiving Day dinner to parents on the Oncology floors of Children's Hospital Oakland and Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital (LPCH). During Nicholas' leukemia journey we were in both hospitals, respectively, the last two Thanksgiving Days. As parents we know the feeling…and we know Nicholas was a constant presence of giving through love everyday of his life and everyday his amazing spirit continues to live. So the Nicholas Colby Fund is helping parents too, along with "Helping Children Be Children".
Remember, we have talked over and over about love begetting love. For LPCH tomorrow, the California Café - Palo Alto is partnering with the Nicholas Colby Fund to provide Thanksgiving Day dinner. Thank you California Café!
A "THANK YOU" TO NICHOLAS AT OAKMONT MEMORIAL PARK
This afternoon at Nicholas' site his teacher, Ms. Shirley, surprised me as I was sitting on the bench listening to the ringing sounds of the wind chime and blowing of the wind in my ears. She brought a Willow Tree angel, woman holding a metal bar in the shape of a circle with the words, "Thank You," encircled. Ms. Shirley said the "Thank You" to Nicholas was…"Nicholas, for being you!"
You may remember on August 24, 2006, Ms. Shirley left a Willow Tree "Hope" sculpture of a little boy holding a metal bar that extended up like a balloon and curved into a circle with the word, "Hope," encircled. And for Sheila's birthday one of our son's gave Sheila a mother / son Willow Tree sculpture revealing the interpretation of "Treasuring a Rare, Quiet and Tender Moment of Motherhood" with a son.
THANK YOU
Sometimes, moments of thought and prayer or reflecting on the kindness all of you have directly and indirectly provided are reminders, to us, of blessings received over and over again. As Thanksgiving arrives, we thank all of you for being blessings in our lives…telephone calls, letters / cards, books, emails, guestbook entries, and love delivered in so many ways let us know that we are blessed with your friendship.
With unbearable sadness missing Nicholas, there are so many moments of joy and amazing sounds of Nicholas, his life, and his love that fills us. And we are thankful, son, for you-never gone, never far, in our hearts & souls you are. Remember what we talked about, we just know…
***Two of the 3 new photos stated above***
FRONT OF THE UPRIGHT-MARKER ILLUMINATES LOVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY (See how it is written by clicking on View Photos):
"The sun will no longer be your light during the day nor will the brightness of the moon be your light, because the Lord will be your light forever."
- Isaiah 60:19
BACK OF THE UPRIGHT-MARKER IS HEAVENLY TO US (See what is written by clicking on View Photos. Also, please see the May 26, 2006 journal for the importance of these words and the book, to us and the connection with Nicholas):
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I'll never be alone; I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one. And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
I'll have the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared…the happiness and memories and magic that we shared. I will cherish all the friendships I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me; they will make my spirit glow. And the light will shine forever in the next place that I go.
- excerpts from Warren Hanson
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Tuesday, November 21, 2006 11:18 PM CST
TEARS…AND NICHOLAS' UPRIGHT MEMORIAL MARKER
(Please click on View Photos, above, to see three pictures.)
Today, tonight, our feelings seemed to be sheltered and unable to be expressed. We recognize the successive holidays are upon us; however, with all of our boys the life we lived seemed to be a constant holiday: enjoying and / or celebrating our separate and collective lives seemingly daily.
Today and tonight, there was pain, there was sadness, there were tears…and we know that we are not the only ones impacted by the loss of a precious angel-for us it is our beautiful, amazing Nicholas. We feel God's presence and love…and there are still tears. We continue to trust and believe…and there are still tears. We love our other three boys so much…and there are still tears.
TO NICHOLAS: We love you, Nicholas! Our tears are of love and life that you sustain through God…and tears of joyful-thankfulness for all that you continue to mean to us as your mom & dad, as your parents, as your brothers, as a family, all who have come to know the beautiful spirit & precious gift that you are through God.
As two years (November 19) just passed from the time Nicholas was diagnosed and as six months (November 25) approaches from the time Nicholas passed, it truly does not get easier…it gets different (as expressed through a new friend). The sun rises, the moon sets, and we want love to fully take over our lives so we could freely live. At the same time there is some trepidation of love taking over our lives because we need Nicholas always in our lives. For us, it gets back to trusting and believing God to deliver…
FRONT OF THE UPRIGHT-MARKER ILLUMINATES LOVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY (See how it is written by clicking on View Photos):
"The sun will no longer be your light during the day nor will the brightness of the moon be your light, because the Lord will be your light forever."
- Isaiah 60:19
BACK OF THE UPRIGHT-MARKER IS HEAVENLY TO US (See what is written by clicking on View Photos. Also, please see the May 26, 2006 journal for the importance of these words and the book, to us and the connection with Nicholas):
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
I'll never be alone; I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one. And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
I'll have the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared…the happiness and memories and magic that we shared. I will cherish all the friendships I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me; they will make my spirit glow. And the light will shine forever in the next place that I go.
- excerpts from Warren Hanson
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Monday, November 20, 2006 11:38 PM CST
THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIFE (family, friends, & others) AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO LOVING NICHOLAS…THE BLEND THROUGH CONTINUING THESE JOURNALS HELPS US IN WAYS SIMILAR TO NICHOLAS' LEGACY CONTINUING TO HELP OTHERS…CARING & SHARING
Flocks of sparrows flying above the grounds at Oakmont Memorial Park, soaring and swooping down to / from bouquets of flowers, provided nice thoughts about God's love. It was a cool, calm morning at Nicholas' site as the ground-keeping staff prepared to install the upright-memorial marker. (It will be installed tomorrow and many of you will remember the words on the back of the marker and the passage on the front of the marker-PICTURES TOMORROW.)
The calm and the sparrows reminded us, again, of the song-His Eye Is On The Sparrow (talked about in the following journals: January 10, 2006; December 16, 2005; and December 3, 2005). As times goes on we continue to pray for help to keep our eyes on God. Thinking about His Eye Is On The Sparrow was calming today and left us feeling a soothing sense of peace. We know there is so much to life beyond ours; however, Nicholas seems to be an amazing gift for everyone and our other three boys (young men) lovingly share their brotherly treasure.
Sunday, November 19, 2006 8:52 PM CST
DURING NICHOLAS JOURNEY WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE "WERE" THANKFUL FOR, TODAY WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WE "ARE" THANKFUL FOR
Two years ago today, during this time of the day, we were at Children's Hospital Oakland awaiting results from lab work to provide some insight into Nicholas' sore wrist (more information about November 19,2004 in last night's journal). The Home Page picture above was taken about two weeks before the November 19, 2004 leukemia diagnosis; and the first picture of three after clicking on View Photos, above, was taken a about two weeks after the diagnosis.
Along with Thanksgiving and the "big chickens," as Nicholas would say, comes a time for deeper family and friends togetherness, joyful sounds, and sweet smells in the air. It is a time of hope…hope for the tender, loving expressions of family, friends, and new friends. A time of hope of the following Christmas time of year and its spirit delivering on wishes and prayers.
Most of all, Thanksgiving brings "thanks" for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. For yesterday because God was before us, behind us, and within us…for today because God is fulfilling us even amidst the hurt and pain…for tomorrow because God is God and we are so thankful that we do not have to ask God to be God-He is so we are loved, we are and will be cared for, we are and will be guided, protected, and fulfilled in ways we just cannot imagine. And we are thankful knowing that God loves Nicholas, God loves us, and His love means life in ways we cannot imagine. So we trust and believe that Nicholas will tell us-in God's speed-how great God has been to him…transcending what we trusted and believed in, into the greatest reality of all. And about those wishes and prayers, we trust and believe that the reality of God is all...
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
________________________________________
Saturday, November 18, 2006 11:59 PM CST
TWO YEARS AGO TOMORROW (Sunday)
Tomorrow, November 19, 2006, is the two-year mark since Nicholas was diagnosed with leukemia. Our beautiful son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend, and angel is the same amazing spirit today as he always has been and will be. Of course Nicholas is so much more than a picture, however, feeling the constant love radiating from him can be seen in pictures posted on this site tonight-a glimpse of Nicholas two weeks before the diagnosis and two weeks after the diagnosis:
- The Home Page picture above was taken two weeks before the diagnosis
- Click on View Photos above for the picture taken two weeks after the diagnosis
HOW THE JOURNEY BEGAN
November 17, 2004:
Nicholas and dad were at a Golden State Warriors basketball game (Nicholas mostly enjoyed their mascot, Thunder, and the acrobatics Thunder and his acrobats performed throughout the game). That night at home Nicholas said his wrist was sore, although there were no physical signs of injury at all.
November 18, 2004:
Nicholas' Montessori school was asked to pay extra attention to his wrist although there were no physical signs of injury.
November 19, 2004:
Mom scheduled an appointment with our pediatrician to check out Nicholas' wrist. It was late in the day on this Friday so after examining and not finding any reason for Nicholas' complaint of soreness, our pediatrician directed us to the emergency room at Children's Hospital in Oakland for a series of blood tests.
We decided that we would go to Fenton's Ice Creamery, for a tasty start to our weekend, after the emergency room visit. While the blood lab work was being completed, mom and dad were playing and reading with/to Nicholas. (Nicholas and mom love to read.)
A couple of hours later we were DEVASTATED by the lab results revealing that Nicholas had leukemia. He had 88,000 white blood cells (normal for Nicholas would have been 5-10,000.)
HOW NICHOLAS' RAYS OF SUNSHINE CAME THROUGH EVEN DURING THAT DEVASTATING MOMENT ON NOVEMBER 19, 2004:
As mom and dad cling to Nicholas and with every emotion swirling, all attempts of focus gave way to crying for mom, and dad tightly holding mom and Nicholas. Nicholas reaches to mom, touches her, and says "Don't worry about me, I'll be alright." Nicholas was then admitted into Children's Hospital in Oakland and the leukemia journey began.
HOW NICHOLAS' RAYS OF SUNSHINE CARRIED THROUGH TO MAY 25, 2006
…with caring, loving, sharing, giving, praying, crying, playing, laughing (getting his smile back-please see the note below).
Remember when he would say, "I want my life back; I want my happiness!" (November 20, 2005 journal), or "I don't have my smile back." Here too, Love did provide for Nicholas and we remember after Nicholas talked about wanting his smile, his wonderful smile was lovingly revealed that day (December 2, 2005 journal and December 2, 2005 pictures of Nicholas at home sailing down the play structure's slide, on the 3rd album below under Links). And once again Nicholas brightened our day…God provided for Nicholas and for us.
…being loved by God and all of us so, so very much.
HOW NICHOLAS' RAYS OF SUNSHINE LIGHTS OUR WAY TO HIS RAINBOW…TO HEAVEN
Because Nicholas was loved he "lived" everyday of his life. Even when he was not feeling well at all with all the medical things going on, Nicholas had love because of God. You may remember that Nicholas enjoyed drawing and painting rainbows. Some of his rainbows had pots of gold underneath (like the one scanned onto the "Program" for the June 2, 2006 celebration of life).
We can see Nicholas now, walking streets of gold and standing tall & whole, because of God…so Nicholas' amazing story continues. Our angel Nicholas...we don't have to see you, to know that you are here!
________________________________________
Friday, November 17, 2006 10:35 PM CST
TIME, HOLIDAYS, AND MEMORIES…GOD IS GOD SO WE BELIEVE
While we know time will continue to pass and holidays will come & go, we are so thankful Nicholas continues to fill our hearts and guide our souls. As Nicholas' biggest brother said during his eulogy (captured in the June 3, 2006 journal, under Journal History), Nicholas was a fast kid so he made it to the sunshine and to heaven ahead of us. Although Nicholas' passing was not long ago, and seems so long ago, life continues to form lasting memories day-by-day. The lasting memories are shaped with Nicholas' love and our family's love…because of God's love.
So while Nicholas is in heaven ahead of us, through God he is still with us and our other boys (young men), lighting up our lives for a better path to him and Him. Remember the white doves released during Nicholas' service? Because we trust and believe…with God Nicholas is our inspiration of love and peace. The song, If You Could See Me Now, captured in the July 31, 2006 journal provides a comforting view of peace. Specifically, the words: "If you could see me now…You wouldn't want me, To ever leave this perfect place…"
Following is a poem about "this perfect place" and this place where we are now:
My Son Lives in Paradise
The dust has settled on the things
That I have stored away
A favorite toy, for little boy
A jar of dried out clay.
A photograph when you were young
Sits quietly on the shelf
Thoughts of you come drifting back
I just can't help myself.
A drawing that you made for me
When you were very small
Is framed within this heart of mine
And hangs upon the wall.
A scrapbook lies within the room
Where you once laid your head
Your favorite book, a model car
The pillow on your bed.
I miss you coming in from school
"Hey mom, it's me, I'm home"
I miss the little words and hugs
The special times we've known.
A part of me just disappeared
The day you went away
An empty space now fills my heart
There are no words to say.
A closet filled with memories
Of happy days gone by
A baseball cap and souvenir
Why did you have to die?
The trophies that you won at school
Stand proudly on display
Your many friends can't understand
Why God called you away.
I hear your voice within the halls
It echoes in the night
I see you in the evening mist
And in the morning light.
So many things you left behind
Are now a memory
But little arms that held me tight
Will always stay with me.
An empty space now fills my heart
My boy, my child, my son
You've gone into another world
Where golden dreams are spun.
I do not know the answers
It's not for me to know
But I will know the truth one day
Just why you had to go.
My turn will come to leave this world
I'll gaze into your eyes
God's perfect plan will be revealed
Up there in paradise.
Author/Written By:
Marilyn Ferguson
©2005
Thursday, November 16, 2006 11:59 PM CST
NICHOLAS, THE THINGS WE DID…
Remember the song, Never Gone, that is on the Video Tribute? (You can hear the song via the Nicholas Colby Fund site by accessing www.nicholascolbyfund.org, clicking Sound Tracks, and selecting song #6 on The Loving Tribute to Nicholas. And the words of the song are on the July 27, 2006 journal, under Journal History on this site above.)
The beginning of the song starts out: "The things we did, The things we said,
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again…"
We think about the things we did with Nicholas: simple family fun everyday and everyday activities from school, work, play…helping us cook and clean...holidays (Valentine's Day, Easter & Easter egg coloring and hunting, Mother's Day, Father's Day, 4th of July & fireworks, Halloween & trick or treating/costumes year round, Thanksgiving & "the big chickens," Christmas, New Years...) with family and friends…playing with family and friends…VANCOUVER (2002) and MONTREAL (2003, he thoroughly enjoyed the Biodome) in CANADA…Disney on Ice…going to the movies and having popcorn…swimming and diving in the pool at home… Disneyland (2003)…Children's Fairyland…Sea World…Marine World…playing basketball, baseball, football, swashbuckling, wrestling, board games, card games…going to basketball games (high school-to watch his brothers, college-to watch his brother, professional-Warriors)…going to professional baseball games-Giants…going to professional football games-49ers…tumbling and high-wire flying at My Gym…San Diego, Oakland, and San Francisco Zoos...rock climbing in San Diego…Monterey Bay Aquarium…State Capitol-Sacramento…swimming, snorkeling, and Luau in HAWAII (May 2004)…going to the gym with Joey while the moms worked out…San Francisco shopping and Pier 39 adventures…parks inland and at the coast…watching movies-comedies and animated…watching Disney TV shows-like "That's So Raven"…live plays-Snow White, Lion King…picnics...flying kites...shopping...relaxing...sleeping...waking up together...swimming with dolphins in HAWAII (December 2005)…driving his battery-powered Jeep…walks on the bike trail at home and at the reservoir…playing on his play structure (swinging, soaring down the slide, observing and drinking hot chocolate from the observation deck up high)…cozily bundled up by the backyard fireplace roasting marshmallows…playing in the snow in MINNESOTA (2006)…The United States Mint in DENVER (2006)…fun on the many airplane trips as well as car trips…and he was so happy playing with babies, kids of all ages, and adults of all ages…
As we further think about the song, Never Gone, we think about this verse as well: "I walk alone these empty streets, There is not a second you're not here with me, The love you gave, the grace you've shown, Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone…"
Oh, how these and so many other simple pleasures are our "treasures."
________________________________________
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 11:59 PM CST
FRIENDS REPRESENTING ALL OF YOU
Tonight's fundraiser at Games Unlimited in Danville for the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children", was amazing! Friends came from Nicholas' school, our work, our church, and from all aspects of our lives. Friends came from as far away as San Jose, San Francisco, and Vacaville. There were friends we see regularly and friends we have not seen in over a year. We recognize that "amazing" is a word we often used to describe Nicholas…and tonight it feels so right to use it describing the fundraiser because it was amazing to experience friends sharing love for Nicholas in a way of "Helping Children Be Children" by lovingly doing some of their holiday shopping at Games Unlimited.
Their shopping is about love for their loved ones that will be receiving the gifts purchased, about love because 10 percent of their purchases went to the Nicholas Colby Fund, about love because the Nicholas Colby Fund is Nicholas' legacy of love, and about love because many of the shoppers tonight also did something a little extra. Love begetting love was clearly in action by you and the resulting work of the Nicholas Colby Fund. You are "Helping Children Be Children"!
WHAT WAS THE "LITTLE EXTRA"?
Some shoppers tonight purchased an extra toy and placed it in a big red bin for children who will be in the hospital over the holidays, so they can select a toy that they can give to their siblings. The notion here is: The child in the hospital typically receives a lot of gifts during Christmas and we felt it would be nice for them to feel the joy of giving as well. So they will be able to select a toy purchased that was placed in the big red bin, and give it to their sibling or a loved one.
GAMES UNLIMITED
Partnering with Games Unlimited was wonderfully warm and engaging. The relationship was clearly about people "Helping Children Be Children" and what a blessing to have developed another relationship focused on children.
NICHOLAS
Son, we love you! We can sense you smiling even more tonight. Although you are already perfectly pleased because you are in Heaven. Thank you God!
________________________________________
Tuesday, November 14, 2006 11:59 PM CST
WHAT WE HEARD AND READ AS A CHILD, WE TRUST AND BELIEVE TODAY
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…" Nicholas knew God loved him…and now Nicholas knows God loves him as we trust and believe Nicholas is "playing and having fun" in Heaven with Him on high.
We know Nicholas was-and is-everything God wants his children to be: full of love with a caring, sharing, and giving nature that places love above all else. Nicholas, our son, we love you! We smile because you are so amazing. We cry because you are so amazing. We miss you because you are so amazing. We long for you because you are so amazing. And because God is the author of love and life…our smiles are for your angelic ways loving us today, our tears are for missing an angel-you son-that has amazingly brought love and life into a perspective we have never experienced, and longing for you is because we could never, ever get enough of your love although you and your love are never gone, never far, in our hearts & souls you are and where we are together until…because Jesus loves "us."
***Below Is Information Remaining On The Home Page Through Wednesday***
NICHOLAS COLBY GILBERT EVENT NOVEMBER 15, 2006…
AT A PLACE TO BUY WHAT YOU NORMALLY WOULD
The flyer above in the Home Page picture announces a one-day only "after hours" event for Christmas shopping to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. This event further helps the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children", to create lasting childhood memories by providing exceptional playful opportunities that uplifts the spirit of a child diagnosed with cancer, a degenerating condition, or other life-threatening illness. With awareness and sensitivity the Nicholas Colby Fund delivers amazing experiences for children and their families through trusted acts of love and compassion.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2006 FROM 6 - 8:00 PM
Games Unlimited
810 Sycamore Valley Road (West) at the Danville Livery
Danville, CA (a few miles from our home in Lafayette)
925 838-6358
***10 percent of the proceeds will benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund***
"HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN" THE FUND HAS BEEN ACTIVE…
Sending children and their families to the Barnum & Ringling Brothers circus, Harlem Globetrotters basketball game, Golden State Warriors professional basketball games, and Disneyland are some of the experiences being delivered by the Nicholas Colby Fund. An earlier act of love and compassion was providing a modified wheelchair desired by one of all these beautiful children; and now the Fund will also be providing nutritional packs for parents with children in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. More experiences and efforts are being developed.
Keeping in the spirit of Nicholas' passion for caring about others, Nicholas' legacy lives on through the Nicholas Colby Fund (a non-profit organization). Thank you for helping us continue this work and share love!
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
________________________________________
Monday, November 13, 2006 9:55 PM CST
HOW WE ARE FEELING
Sometimes it is very hard to find the words to describe how we are feeling, understanding that it is a roller coaster that we are "now" on. We hurt, we find joy in memories, and we hurt some more missing Nicholas. Last week we talked with a new friend via The Children Hospital-Denver, and she described what she had heard from a friend about explaining how we are all feeling after the passing of "our child." So while we are, absolutely, trusting and loving God what we feel is…"It never gets easier, it gets different."
Relationships on different levels have always been cherished; and now we recognize even more the blessings of caring, sharing, and giving. Thank you Tammy!
MORE PATIENTS OUT HAVING FUN WITH THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND
Tomorrow night, Tuesday, the Nicholas Colby Fund is sending18 children and their families from Children's Hospital Oakland into a suite to enjoy time out together watching a Golden State Warriors basketball game. PLEASE SEE PHOTO BY CLICKING ON "VIEW PHOTOS"
We remember when Nicholas had restrictions on where he could go because his immune system was suppressed and too low. However, Nicholas wanted to do "normal" things like watching basketball…and as his parents we always worked hard to give Nicholas normal childhood experiences-even if he had experienced those things before his leukemia, which he had, and even though we understood that we were on a "new normal" path. One of the places Nicholas wanted to go was a Warriors basketball game…but with sitting in the midst of over 16,000 fans we would not have been able to control the environment from a contact perspective. That is when attending the game sitting in a suite provided a controlled environment-and all the joy and excitement of being out at the game. Do you remember the journals about Nicholas out having fun and all the pictures from the Warriors games?
***Below Is Information For Monday - Wednesday***
NICHOLAS COLBY GILBERT EVENT NOVEMBER 15, 2006…
AT A PLACE TO BUY WHAT YOU NORMALLY WOULD
The flyer above in the Home Page picture announces a one-day only "after hours" event for Christmas shopping to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. This event further helps the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children", to create lasting childhood memories by providing exceptional playful opportunities that uplifts the spirit of a child diagnosed with cancer, a degenerating condition, or other life-threatening illness. With awareness and sensitivity the Nicholas Colby Fund delivers amazing experiences for children and their families through trusted acts of love and compassion.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2006 FROM 6 - 8:00 PM
Games Unlimited
810 Sycamore Valley Road (West) at the Danville Livery
Danville, CA (a few miles from our home in Lafayette)
925 838-6358
***10 percent of the proceeds will benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund***
"HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN" THE FUND HAS BEEN ACTIVE…
Sending children and their families to the Barnum & Ringling Brothers circus, Harlem Globetrotters basketball game, Golden State Warriors professional basketball games, and Disneyland are some of the experiences being delivered by the Nicholas Colby Fund. An earlier act of love and compassion was providing a modified wheelchair desired by one of all these beautiful children; and now the Fund will also be providing nutritional packs for parents with children in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. More experiences and efforts are being developed.
Keeping in the spirit of Nicholas' passion for caring about others, Nicholas' legacy lives on through the Nicholas Colby Fund (a non-profit organization). Thank you for helping us continue this work and share love!
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
________________________________________
Sunday, November 12, 2006 11:53 PM CST
NICHOLAS COLBY GILBERT EVENT NOVEMBER 15, 2006…
AT A PLACE TO BUY WHAT YOU NORMALLY WOULD
The flyer above in the Home Page picture announces a one-day only "after hours" event for Christmas shopping to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. This event further helps the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children", to create lasting childhood memories by providing exceptional playful opportunities that uplifts the spirit of a child diagnosed with cancer, a degenerating condition, or an other life-threatening illness. With awareness and sensitivity the Nicholas Colby Fund delivers amazing experiences for children and their families through trusted acts of love and compassion.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2006 FROM 6 - 8:00 PM
Games Unlimited
810 Sycamore Valley Road (West) at the Danville Livery
Danville, CA (a few miles from our home in Lafayette)
925 838-6358
***10 percent of the proceeds will benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund***
"HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN" THE FUND HAS BEEN ACTIVE…
Sending children and their families to the Barnum & Ringling Brothers circus, Harlem Globetrotters basketball game, Golden State Warriors professional basketball games, and Disneyland are some of the experiences being delivered by the Nicholas Colby Fund. An earlier act of love and compassion was providing a modified wheelchair desired by one of all these beautiful children; and now the Fund will also be providing nutritional packs for parents with children in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. More experiences and efforts are being developed.
Keeping in the spirit of Nicholas' passion for caring about others, Nicholas' legacy lives on through the Nicholas Colby Fund (a non-profit organization). Thank you for helping us continue this work and share love!
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
***See new photos by clicking on "View Photos"***
________________________________________
Saturday, November 11, 2006 11:59 PM CST
WHAT IS THAT "SAYING" ABOUT RAIN AND SUNSHINE?
It rained this morning, and this afternoon the sun was shinning with distinctive clouds sailing gently in the sky. At Nicholas' site the air was fresh & crisp while the sun felt warm & comfy...the grass appeared soothingly damp creating a glistening affect by the heavenly sunrays and soothing breeze.
We cleaned Nicholas' "marker" (our daily care), lit a candle in his lighthouse that sits next to the "marker," and watched the flames softly sway. Today we brought out his Harlem Globetrotters' basketball tossing it up, over and over, in the air at his site. We listened to the birds chirping and watched them playing in the air and in the trees. As we sat on his bench looking over his site, down in the valley, and over the hills...God brought us peace as we realized more of His care. All these things He daily provides-we trust-are there if and when we choose to let Him guide. God is our guide and through Him Nicholas is our light...shinning in our hearts & souls seemingly letting us know he is more than okay!
The sun, the breeze, the clouds, the birds, and the flame...everything around us seems to be purposeful. God, with Nicholas, is providing pleasures to share as Nicholas seems to say, if you could see me now you would know I am more than okay-I am loved even more, wondering how could that be...
As we left his site, the sun had gone behind the hills; however, its sunrays illuminated some of the clouds creating a distinctive glow...that was nice!
NOTES:
SPECIAL NICHOLAS COLBY FUND EVENT ON WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2006
Tomorrow's journal will include information about a special Nicholas Colby Fund event that will take place Wednesday, November 15, 2006, at Games Unlimited: 810 Sycamore Valley Rd (West) at the Danville Livery in Danville, CA. (925) 838-6358. A few miles from our home in Lafayette.
SURPISE TOY
Someone left a surprise on Nicholas' site this evening, on Veteran's Day. A note, "Happy 'Vet' Day little Nicholas" was written on a Hot Wheels package containing a Corvette Hot Wheel. Thank you!
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Friday, November 10, 2006 11:59 PM CST
A WALK IN SPIRIT AND A TALK WITH NICHOLAS
The last couple of days we experienced a more embracing walk with Nicholas…in spirit. It is needed! Holding his hand, looking into his beautiful eyes, and feeling his amazing love we "just know" that our circle of love vibrantly lives on. Nicholas' sweet smile penetrates our hearts today as much as ever. We are so blessed to know and have Nicholas in our lives-we truly hope you feel his touch of gratitude for all that you have been for Nicholas through your love and support. As we have said many times, we are so grateful for your direct and indirect walking with us on this journey of love begetting love.
And the talk with Nicholas today…is real. As we have always trusted God's words to not return to Him void (accomplishing all that God said it would), we trust that because God is God our talk with Nicholas is heavenly heard and "unspokenly" received. We listen for Nicholas' words and as we close our eyes we see an amazing child loving today so much more than we could ever imagine-and he is full of love, joy, and happiness because God's words do not return to Him void. God provides all, for all, who let Him in… And God is encircled around and in Nicholas, there is no greater blessing. And it is God that we need along with Nicholas' everlasting, completely felt love.
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Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:59 PM CST
CHILDREN UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL HAVING "A GREAT TIME OUT" TONIGHT...through Nicholas & the Nicholas Colby Fund. Tonight, again, Nicholas was "Helping Children Be Children" as patients from Children's Hospital Oakland were sent to the Golden State Warriors game versus the New Orleans / Oklahoma Hornets (professional basketball). This included front row seats on the floor next to the Hornets' bench for one 16- year old boy, Troy, who will be going out of state next week for a special treatment...tonight Troy was living his passion of basketball. And two other kids with their family seemed to have "A great time out" (part of the Warriors' slogan) with the Warriors and that helps to make us smile.
And what a special send-off gift to Troy, who happens to be a former roommate of Nicholas when Nicholas was at Children's Hospital Oakland for a short few nights stay early in Nicholas' initial treatment.
PRAYING: Please include Troy in your prayers for love to be fully felt and for a successful treatment. And will you pray for his parents to be comforted in love.
PHOTO: You can see Troy by clicking above on View Photos.
LOGO: The Nicholas Colby Fund logo is ready! What do you think of the logo (in the center of the flyer on the Home Page photo above)? Although final details of the logo are being completed, we are so grateful for the amazing creation designed and developed by Albert Treskin and we are so thankful for Virginia Vovchuk who made it possible for Albert to work with us!
There are more fun experiences being developed to share love via the Nicholas Colby Fund...Nicholas' story continues and legacy "lives" on.
________________________________________
Wednesday, November 8, 2006 11:53 PM CST
MORE OF A PERSONAL NOTE TODAY
Sheila has always stated, "it is all about Nicholas" (certainly with us paying relative attention to our older boys because everyone at every age need time for sharing and love). We focused everything about ourselves, with lots of help from many of you, on creating and providing for Nicholas helping him to "live" during the leukemia journey-and Nicholas "lived" life through the ups & downs and roller coaster effect of it all. Remember? Yeh, he had some bad days and amazingly he had the ability to deliver so many smiles.
We have this gift, Nicholas, so naturally our focus on this CaringBridge site and soon as we complete the transition to the NicholasColbyFund site (www.nicholascolbyfund.org) is on Nicholas-his vibrant touch and spirit living on in all of our lives and seemingly yours, too, as part of this circle of love. Nicholas continues to illuminate our lives with his rays of sunshine warming our hearts…his strength, energy, enthusiasm, joy, and endless passion for caring about others is having a beautiful impact today as always.
And the personal note today is from the perspective of sharing the journey as we shared Nicholas' journey along the way…and our journey for Nicholas since May 25, 2006. It is through the lens of Nicholas' sharing that continues to be a help to us and others today.
We shared in a September journal about our positive approach to Nicholas' journey based on our trust and belief in God (September 27, 2006 journal). Now as then we know that we cannot do it ourselves. Today I cried out to our Father, God, for help because songs of love and connections with Nicholas that are always sweet to hear…were bittersweet today. In a business meeting with upfront introductions, participants referenced songs they considered to be their "theme" song. In this meeting today with me as the business sponsor, coincidentally there were several songs and words of songs stated by participants that link to Nicholas.
The song, "If I Could Help Somebody," that was sung during Nicholas' Celebration of Life on June 2, 2006 was sung in the moment by a participant today as his theme song. There were songs about rainbows (Nicholas painted many of these that we are sure you have seen along the journey), songs about sunshine (a constant link to Nicholas on the Home Page), and others that for reasons unknown today…took the bittersweet to an excruciating level. Today the bittersweet took over and I was not able to control it. Today, I cried out for help and a loving hand trusting that God-and Nicholas-are with me and will comfort me.
At the forefront of our focus tonight is constantly welcoming God and Nicholas in all aspects of our lives. It is what we need!
________________________________________
Tuesday, November 7, 2006 11:59 PM CST
IT'S OUR DAY, IT'S YOUR DAY, IT'S ALL OF OUR LIVES, AND NICHOLAS' DAYS & LIFE
The sun rises and sets. The moon lights up what was dark. People smile and laugh. Babies / children warm hearts and bring about sparkles in the eyes of others.
Our days, like your days, we live our lives experiencing beauty from the sun…the sense of ahh from the moon…emotions of life…and the joy babies / children bring about in our life, our world, our reflections, our beliefs, our trust, and hope through God.
A mother, a father, a loved-one…loves. Right? While it is hard to reconcile our thoughts we cannot forget the joy Nicholas brought and brings into our lives every day. And we cannot see anything other than God loving Nicholas and Nicholas loving all of us-as much today as ever.
________________________________________
Monday, November 6, 2006 11:11 PM CST
IT IS JUST SO HARD TO RESOLVE IN OUR MINDS…that Nicholas is physically not with us. We miss Nicholas so, so much and we say physically because we sense Nicholas spiritually and in other dimensions. However, it just hurts not to physically be with him and have him with us. And our trust in God has never, ever wavered…we trust that God is delivering His promises of love to Nicholas-all aspects of love and its attributes and characteristics. So Nicholas is not wanting of anything and has everything perfectly provided for him. We trust and believe…and it is just hard to resolve what we are experiencing.
Nicholas, our love, you are "never gone, never far" in our hearts & souls is where you are…and we are with you, son! The wonders of God deliver for us as well so we are forever connected and provided for together…in His ways and in His speed.
________________________________________
Sunday, November 5, 2006 10:40 PM CST
NICHOLAS COLBY FUND…
The Nicholas Colby Fund logo, website (www.nicholascolbyfund.org), and more activities "Helping Children Be Children" are about to take flight. Many efforts have been underway administratively for the Nicholas Colby Fund and some have been slowed down because it is just very hard emotionally while at the same time emotionally "Helping Children Be Children" is what Nicholas always did (even for himself) and we absolutely love to do.
The order of the three activities above to take flight is 1) more activities starting in about a week (should bring joy to many faces including yours as well as all those beautiful children), 2) the logo and "Thank You" correspondence, and 3) the Nicholas Colby Fund site with full-current content.
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
________________________________________
Saturday, November 4, 2006 11:59 PM CST
SOMEDAYS…we just go through the days. We smile some, we cry some, we pray a lot, and we focus on love a lot. We pray trusting God will make a way for us to enjoy life and for others to enjoy life when sometimes there seems to be no way to do so. We pray for others going though difficult times, like a precious friend named Matthew (www.tsern.com). And we pray trusting that it is not just life-threatening situations when prayer provides… Everyday, anytime, anywhere, everything big or small we have seen love provide which is why we trust love to provide… It is not easy, however, trusting and feeling love has mattered.
________________________________________
Friday, November 3, 2006 11:59 PM CST
JUST THE TWO OF US TONIGHT AND…Nicholas was with us in our hearts and so much a part of our feelings as we were alone. Our other boys are young men (23, 19, & 17) and hold Nicholas-who at 6 years of age when he passed on to God just over 5 months ago-as a central person shaping their lives even today.
As our young men continue their journey, since Nicholas was born we envisioned another phase of our journey parenting Nicholas as his brothers shape their lives. Out tonight alone, we realized that soon we will be alone…and as we trust God's love we trust He will continue to bless us with Nicholas' presence and deliver to the two of us a journey of love begetting love. It will not be what we envisioned, however, Nicholas will absolutely remain a central love in our lives, shaping us, and shaping how we are to be for others.
We are so thankful that God delivered the conversations with Nicholas through the years. And conversations we had with Nicholas; and he had them with us. Specifically, we are thankful for conversations about always knowing that no matter if we could not see each other or were apart, we would know-just know-that each of us would ALWAYS be in each other's heart, soul, and feel safe, comforted, & loved.
We feel you son and just know…
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Thursday, November 2, 2006 11:51 PM CST
SONGS OR SINGING GENERATE LOVE
In July 2006 one of the journals imparted Nicholas' love for music along with the connection the words or just the music has within each of us. Just hearing songs, especially those that included God or Jesus' name, resonate deep within us generating an amazing sense of God's omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence. Songs have always been a significant part of Nicholas' life before he could talk.
Although the pain in our hearts is constant, hearing or singing songs Nicholas enjoyed or songs about God's love amazingly delivers something deep within us that soothes our hearts and souls…if only for a moment.
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Wednesday, November 1, 2006 11:59 PM CST
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Today a friend shared a moment experienced last night with her son that generated smiles to us...and we trust a smile from Nicholas as well. Their nightly prayers together sometimes includes a song as the 2 1/2 year old boy occasionally asks, "Mom will you sing 'Jesus Loves Me?'"
So as our friend was singing, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." the boy stopped and told his mom last night, "Jesus loves Nicholas!" The little boy, Robert, has never met Nicholas; however, their family remains with Nicholas and our family under God's amazing circle of love.
TWO YEARS AGO THIS MONTH…AND TODAY
Following Nicholas' journey you know that Nicholas and the Golden State Warriors' (professional basketball team in the Bay Area) circle of love continues as well. Tonight was opening night of the new season and we were there-it was bittersweet. In our seats, where Nicholas played and had fun as well as experienced the first sign of something strange on November 17, 2004 that began his journey on November 19, 2004, we felt Nicholas' love and trust God that Nicholas is feeling and enjoying love unmatched by any joy that anyone could ever feel through experiencing whatever brings joy to hearts and souls.
God, we remain faithful and recognize Your loving guidance as Your love generates and delivers...always. Just like one of the messages on Nicholas' June 2, 2006 "program" celebrating his life, where we say, "Our angel Nicholas, we don't have to see you to know you are here," to our family and friends (of course including the medical staff at all three hospitals), we do not have to see you to know you are here in our hearts warmly blessing us through your love.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006 11:59 PM CST
READING AND BEING READ TO
Tonight at Nicholas' spot...we read one of Nicholas' Halloween books, prayed (well, we always do), and tried to keep our thoughts on the love and the joy love brings. Nicholas enjoys being read to and his interaction with the stories always brought us joy. We can clearly see and hear him saying, "Boo, did I scare you!"
It was hard this evening...seeing and hearing kids at play trick or treating. However, this Halloween evening we were sheltered from those moments because Nicholas' grandmother is in the hospital so we spent the evening with her. Sheila went right into the familiar hospital role-she beautifully cared for my mom and together we did several things for my mom the way we cared for Nicholas in the hospital.
Our precious Nicholas…we are so grateful for the joy he brings as we face bittersweet moments of our lives. We feel his touch and need it so, so much.
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Monday, October 30, 2006 11:06 PM CST
"BY HEART," SONG BY JIM BRICKMAN (pianist) AND OCTOBER (Octoberfest and Halloween)
A Jim Brickman Greatest Hits CD was recently received as a gift. Jim Brickman is one of the musical artists on Nicholas' Video Tribute referenced throughout many of the journals since May 25, 2006. And tonight his song, "By Heart," especially touched our hearts as October comes to an end with the changing Fall weather felt, leaves rustling in the wind, daylight savings time meaning it is darker sooner in the evenings as we make our way to Nicholas' Oakmont site, and trick or treat & costumes so prevalent in conversations.
Nicholas enjoyed his costumes. In fact, he would ask us to purchase costumes throughout the year and aside from Halloween he wore them a lot during playtime: clown, baby lion (cub), Spider-man, basketball player, Peter Pan, football player, Ninja, and many others in just six years. Nicholas also created his own costumes...like the time he made a Spy-Kids outfit using his sun glasses, gloves, and transitioning his clothes to complete the gear seen in the Spy-Kids' movies. And yes, he dressed as a magician and a doctor. A couple of years ago he wore three different costumes to Halloween events in the span of about seven days. Recognizing the Halloween events for tomorrow, tonight was much harder than expected. "By Heart" was helpful and listening to the sounds of the piano provided melodies that were soothing. We LOVE you, Nicholas!
BY HEART
Hold me close, baby please
Tell me anything but that you're gonna leave
As I kiss this fallen tear
I promise you I will be here
Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart
When you go, I'll stop the clock
I won't ever let this moment stop
Time is stealing you from me
But it can never take this memory
Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart.
NOTE: In the September 13, 2006 we list the Video Tribute songs and respective artists. On the Video Tribute Jim Brickman plays the song, "Beautiful," with Wayne Brady. And in the September 23, 2006 journal are some very special reflections of Nicholas coupled with words to "Beautiful."
You can hear this song by accessing www.nicholascolbyfund.org, clicking Sound Tracks, going to "Loving Tribute To Nicholas," and selecting song number 5-"Beautiful."
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Sunday, October 29, 2006 11:59 PM CST
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (6)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, October 28, 2006 11:59 PM CST
BITTERSWEET MOMENTS
This evening we went to watch our niece play volleyball (she is a freshman at UC Riverside and they were playing at UC Davis). Several family members were there and there was talk about Nicholas. It was bittersweet to recall that Nicholas was at UC Davis a few years ago in the same Pavilion we were in tonight…just about 50 feet to our left…as we were there to watch our oldest son playing basketball for UC Santa Cruz against UC Davis. Today, like last weekend even though we were many miles away from home, a piece of Nicholas was there to greet us. So once again, more blessings revealing that "Never gone, never far…" is real.
Tonight another niece was talking about Hawaii and we talked about our trips to Hawaii. Another bittersweet memory was felt as mom talked about a couple of days before Nicholas passed away. This was when Nicholas told us that he wanted to go to Heaven! Knowing that Nicholas loves Hawaii and Disneyland (two of his favorite places), mom's words to Nicholas were that Heaven could be like Hawaii or Disneyland; Heaven can be just what you want it to be. Nicholas did not reply or show any emotion and there did not have to be. He made a statement, mom acknowledged and made a statement, and we feel that God was there as always providing love without words, love without the need for anything except knowing that love was there. We are so grateful for God's loving ways providing for us in advance…knowing what we would need and when we would need it. This evening and tonight, like other moments since May 25, 2006, we were blessed able to feel love from a time before that we shared.
Thinking about the couple of days after Nicholas said he wanted to go to Heaven and love in action…following are excerpts from those journals:
Excerpts from May 23, 2006
NICHOLAS AND BABIES
You know Nicholas and babies...this morning in the clinic it was like experiencing two stars shinning and sparkling as Nicholas and Ethan (a 6-month old undergoing treatment) played in Nicholas' room. They seemed to bring out more than joy in each other as their play generated the sensation of "ahh" in the hearts of the staff and others.
VISIT TO THE U.S. MINT-DENVER
Thanks to a relationship the founders of Brent's Place has with the U.S. Mint-Denver, Nicholas really enjoyed a private tour of the Mint today. The United States Mint police, from the Chief to the to the officer greeting us at the entrance treated Nicholas as the prince he is (although Nicholas tells us he is the king when there are certain things being requested). You have read and seen that Nicholas loves collecting (and sharing) money so this tour illuminated his heart creating joy for all around him. We could not have asked for the experience to be any different or better and the Chief contributed significantly to the overall experience-amazing people doing amazing things even when there is no public forum. Nicholas, and mom & dad, had a great time!
Excerpt from May 22, 2006
PLAYING AND HAVING FUN
Nicholas had a quiet day at the clinic and a fun, engaging evening at the "Foundation House" at Brent's Place. He was playing, eating (better than he has in several weeks), and sociable the way we all remember Nicholas to be.
Excerpt from May 21, 2006
WHAT NICHOLAS SAID IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (Saturday/Sunday)
"Mom, you do a good job being a mama-there is no doubt about it!"
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Friday, October 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
A SURPRISE TELEPHONE CALL
In yesterday's journal we simply stated how the days are (good, bad, good/bad); and we recognize God's love everyday. You know, we are so thankful for God's love that is always with us and recognize that with His love we were able to be the parents we were and continue to be for Nicholas as well as our other boys. Yes, it is so hard being without Nicholas AND there is something (hard to explain this) that provides a level of assurance that Nicholas is "playing and having fun" surrounded by love, peace, and joy. It is God's constant presence in our lives, in Nicholas' life, that just lets us know…
This afternoon we received a telephone message from Nicholas' doctor, Dr. Gore, from The Children's Hospital-Denver. We did not get the message until this evening so we will talk with her next week. Again and again there are beautiful surprises of love begetting love and surprises revealing the beautiful circle of love that surrounds all of us. Through continued relationships with Nicholas' nurses and doctors, including dinner with Nicholas' bone-marrow-transplant doctor, Dr. Agarwal, and the conversations with the staff in Denver, Nicholas is blessed and we are so grateful for the blessings God provides throughout all aspects of our day & nights (even though our days are good, bad, good/bad).
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Thursday, October 26, 2006 11:47 PM CDT
SIMPLY STATED
Nicholas always said and understood, "I know that God loves me…" We, too, know that God loves Nicholas and us as well. And-simply stated-our days along the journey and since May 25, 2006 have been bad, good, good/bad.
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Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ON THE 5th MONTH
5 white roses greeted us at our door this morning & at Nicholas' spot this evening, a periwinkle-evening sky, a crescent moon, stars gleaming brighter & brighter as dusk turned to darkness, and Nicholas seen in our thoughts & felt on our faces from a soothing breeze this evening...created a backdrop for two songs shining light on our hearts and souls:
"FOR GOOD" performed by Idina Menzel & Kristen Chenoweth
(This is the first song on the Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service. The song can be heard by accessing the Nicholas Colby Fund site, www.nicholascolbyfund.org, clicking on Sound Tracks and then selecting the song "For Good" from "A Loving Tribute to Nicholas")
Following are the words of the song, but first the song comes from a musical, "Wicked," that is a prequel to the "Wizard of Oz." Elphaba and Glinda sing:
ELPHABA
I'm limited,
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you - You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you
GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
GLINDA
Because I knew you:
BOTH, ELPHABA AND GLINDA
I have been changed for good
ELPHABA
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
GLINDA
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
BOTH, ELPHABA AND GLINDA
And none of it seems to matter anymore
BOTH, ELPHABA AND GLINDA
Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood
BOTH, ELPHABA AND GLINDA
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
GLINDA
And because I knew you
ELPHABA
Because I knew you
BOTH, ELPHABA AND GLINDA
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
"BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE" by India Arie
(We talked about in the November 3, 2005 and March 2, 2006 journals)
It's like yesterday, I didn't even know your name
Now today, You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise
As we sat, prayed, and listened to the sounds around us: the gentle breeze, children's voices from far away, a dog's bark in the distance, a cow's "moo" from the hills beyond the valley, a bird's chirp, a galloping deer, a plane's "hum"...life was living. And our other three boys, family, friends, and all these beautiful kids are present in our lives. As much as we "just know..." and feel God's presence, it is so hard to live life without Nicholas, physically. And life continues around us and within us-so on the 5th month since May 25, 2006...loving God and Nicholas is forever part of our lives and because of God and Nicholas, we live with the most amazing inspiration embedded in our lives.
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006 10:05 PM CDT
TOMORROW (Wednesday) - 5 MONTHS AGO
Tomorrow at 12:52 PM it will be 5 months ago that our son, brother, cousin, companion (as Nicholas' teacher would say), friend, and angel Nicholas left us physically...to guide us spiritually and through ALL the amazing ways that God allows him to do. For us, and through many stories we have heard from you, these are not just words to say...they are experiences realized regarding Nicholas truly being, "Never gone, never far." Oh Nicholas, as we always said and felt together, we just know that we are in each other's heart and soul. We LOVE YOU, son! And you are beatifully with our Father, God, and playing in Heaven as we all can imagine it would be.
HELPING OTHERS IS RIGHT, AND WE WISH WE COULD HELP OURSELVES…TO PHYSICALLY BE WITH NICHOLAS
There will never, ever be one day that Nicholas is not significantly in our hearts, souls, and lives! Through "Helping children be children" via the Nicholas Colby Fund and just caring & sharing like Nicholas, Nicholas' legacy lives on. As stated toward the end of the Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service (not the one accessible via Making Everlasting Memories referenced on this Home Page), we pray that you stay with us…with Nicholas…in ways that help to make all of us "better tomorrow" than we are today: "Let the memories and the promise of our gift from God shine within us forevermore."
A SURPRISE FOR MOM (from Nicholas?)
After Nicholas' bone marrow transplant in April 2005, we were away from home for a long period of time. Hardwood floors were installed throughout the house and in doing so we organized many of the toys, books, stuffed animals, etc. that Nicholas had been receiving from family and friends. Some were placed in storage containers for quick-organized access. And some of Nicholas' toys that were in his closet prior to the leukemia journey were also placed in storage containers. This included a "Tickle-Me-Elmo" talking toy that Nicholas received on his first birthday.
A few nights ago mom received an amazing gift from Nicholas. The "Tickle-Me Elmo" surprised mom. After all of these months there was a sound coming from the toy area that we have not heard since Nicholas last played with the toys that were placed there. On the evening of October 19, 2006 as mom was by the toy area she was literally greeted by hearing…"Play with Elmo…Okay, we'll play later." Those were some of the sentences that the talking Elmo says-what a beautifully timed surprise that night for mom!
Well, the "gifts" of love come in many, many ways and it seems like we can receive these blessings by "listening" and "looking" at what is around us.
As wonderful as it is to love and help others, we need it too and in many ways we receive love and help through giving…and thankfully we can always count on God to be there to love and help us along the way. We love you, Nicholas!
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Monday, October 23, 2006 11:17 PM CDT
A MESSAGE LEARNED YESTERDAY, MESSAGES FROM NICHOLAS THEN & NOW
In church yesterday the message reminded us so much of what Nicholas seemed to naturally do and continually seems to do through his love that remains ever present in our lives. Following are 5 essential practices from yesterday's message that fits Nicholas' approach and actions as well as several past journal entries. Remember?
1) "God is spirit, and His worshippers must worship in spirit and in truth." (John 4.24)
2) "May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for every one else…" (1 Thessalonians 3.12)
3) Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." (John 14.23)
4) "…if anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 4.11)
5) "…be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable ones who will also be qualified to teach others." 2 Timothy 2. 1-2)
FRIENDS - ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS
Please pray for friends met along Nicholas' journey:
Matthew. We recently included Matthew in our September 1 and 5, 2006 journals. Matthew's site is www.tsern.com.
Jacob. He was also included in the journals referenced above. Jacob's site is www.whatsssupwithjacob.org .
Would you pray with us…for all these beautiful kids that many of us do not see or know about the struggles they face. And for love to be welcomed in the hearts and lives of our families, friends, and acquaintances toward helping all of us to be comforted to some degree.
A LETTER SPEAKS TO THE "CIRCLE OF LOVE" WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT
Today we received a letter from someone in Germany we have not met…and it speaks to the "circle of love" and its amazing reach, touch:
"Dear Sheila and Lamont,
"You don't know my wife or I, but we share a mutual friend (…in Germany)…we have been truly touched by the loss of your child Nikko. In every picture one could see the love that flowed between you. He must have been very special and strong. We both noticed how in every picture he kept a smile that could brighten any room.
"Having no children of our own, we could never imagine the pain you have gone through. However, we can feel the joy you both shared, through your pictures, while he was here…"
As we have been saying, Nicholas is "Never gone, never far…!"
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Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:54 PM CDT
NICHOLAS COLBY FUND® AND CHILDREN
This coming Tuesday, October 24, 2006, through the Nicholas Colby Fund…Nicholas is sending some children and their families along with some nurses and doctors to a Warriors' basketball game. Patients and staff will enjoy an evening in a suite…Nicholas and the Nicholas Colby Fund "Helping children be children." (Thank you Gina!)
HOME PAGE PICTURE TODAY
Like most children and children of all ages (including us adults), Nicholas enjoyed anytime spent with family and friends. So the seasonal holidays over the next 5 consecutive months brought fun, joyful times for Nicholas: Halloween (Harvest time, October Fest), Thanksgiving (referring to turkeys Nicholas said to mom, "I like when you make the big chickens!"), Christmas (Nicholas constantly looked to God & Jesus and loves to give as many of you have seen or experienced), Nicholas' birthday (January 27), and Valentine's Day (as well as dad's birthday a few days later in February).
Today we decorated Nicholas' site for Halloween: Pumpkins, bale of hay, a "Boo" ghost post, a "tree face" with glow in the dark eyes and teeth, and several different single colored mini discs looking like Jack-O-Lanterns. Nicholas' teacher surprised us with the mini discs. (Do you see the "Boo" post and "tree face" on the left of the picture at the tree?)
QUICK PICTURE OF NICHOLAS
With the home page picture above provided for now, by clicking on "View Photos" above you will see a familiar picture of Nicholas (since June 2, 2006). Remember, "View Photos" just shows three pictures so it provides a quick view of them without having to exit this CaringBridge site.
HOW WE ARE DOING TODAY
The past couple of weeks have been difficult; however, today with so much joy loving Nicholas and trusting God's love fully embracing Nicholas as well as us…we are comforted while at the same time missing Nicholas so, so much.
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, October 21, 2006 11:13 PM CDT
FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
Many of us have read the "footprints" poem a million times or more and tonight it came to mind as we thought about our day. You know, the poem about…
"One night a man had a dream, He was walking along the beach with the Lord. And across the sky flashed scenes from his life. In each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one made by him, and the other made by the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the worst times in his life.
This bothered him very much, so he asked the Lord about it. 'Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I've noticed that during times of trouble, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why you left me when I needed you most.'
The Lord answered, 'My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial, when you saw only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you.'"
WALKING IN NICHOLAS' FOOTSTEPS
Today, mom & dad sort of walked in Nicholas' footsteps. Of course, every part of our daily lives we walk where Nicholas has walked. However, today, we walked places that we have not in a very, very long time.
After visiting Nicholas' Oakmont site this afternoon (we placed pumpkins there today and tomorrow we will place a bale of hay), we went out for lunch. Quiznos for dad and Chipotle for mom. Nicholas liked Quiznos…he especially liked saying, "Umm toasty!" We ate at an outdoor seating area on cement blocks. These happened to be the very same blocks Nicholas played on a few years ago during an afternoon/evening out for dinner with Nicholas' friend Joey and his parents (before his leukemia journey). And, today we shared heart-warming memories about those days-making new memories even today of Nicholas.
After lunch, mom & dad went to a matinee for a movie, the very same theatre where we last took Nicholas before he passed away. And, we shared more heart-warming memories-for new memories from today.
We mention the poem, Footprints in the Sand, because today felt calming…like Nicholas was carrying our hearts AND we were carrying Nicholas in our hearts. And, we reflect on God knowing that He has been carrying all of us when we needed Him before the leukemia journey, during the leukemia journey, and now. Carrying us now and caring for Nicholas in our Heavenly home. We just know…
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Friday, October 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
SOMEDAYS ARE JUST OKAY
Today was okay…of course we miss Nicholas and we always feel love...so today was just okay because it is hard to "balance" our feelings. Nothing comes humanly close to easing the pain of missing Nicholas.
For us we will never forget the LOVE God provides everyday and we will never, ever give up on a good thing while taking action to cherish all that is good. God is our refuge and Nicholas is forever our shinning light-warming our hearts and patting our souls as the "good things" help in some of the same ways as well as different ways everyday! And someday...along with trusting and believing God's words... we absolutely feel that we will all cherish & relish all that is good through God, TOGETHER.
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Thursday, October 19, 2006 11:36 PM CDT
AN ANGEL'S MESSAGE
Nicholas held, patted, and played with a dolphin, named Hoku, during our December 2005 Hawaii trip. And there were moments he proactively took over the trainer's role and directed Hoku to perform acts Nicholas learned to command-it was a beautiful surprise to see Nicholas and Hoku "playing and having fun!" The trainer was pleasantly surprised. (Pictures are on the third album below under Links, and journals about the trip, scrolling to December 16, 2005 through December 20, 2005. Remember?)
Tonight we thought about a Hawaiian song, "Dolphin" by Apo & Beazley, we wrote about in the April 16, 2006 journal. This was a favorite song to play while we swam in the pool or on relaxing days. Following are the lyrics:
Oh Dolphin, tell me what you see out in the ocean.
Oh Dolphin, are you really free or is it your motion?
Take me away from here to some cool tropical isle
Leave all the doubt and fear, won't you please now help me to smile?
Oh Dolphin, do you fall in love the way that I do?
Oh Dolphin, do you ever need someone to talk to?
What do you do all day, runnin' around in the sea?
Sometimes I wonder, do you ever get lonely like me?
Tell me if you can think of a better way,
To keep my mind from listening, to what my heart wants to say
Oh Dolphin
Oh Dolphin, following the wind like a companion.
Oh Dolphin, dancing in the deep blue water canyon.
Rising out of the sea you fly, flashing a smile at the sun.
Sing a sad lullaby, before your having to run…
Like a "message in a bottle," thoughts of Nicholas & dolphins and songs of love & connection beautifully find ways to deliver to us expressions from a time before. And through the grace of God's speed the new-found expressions (messages) provide a loving impact on our lives today-God knows what we need and when.
And like a "message in a bottle," Nicholas, through God, seemingly placed his love in ways that would travel near & far, right on time.
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
THESE JOURNALS have been our communication channel sharing Nicholas' journey that has included your walk with us via your guestbook entries, thoughts, prayers, etc. And for almost 5 months now these journals continue to share Nicholas' journey as the story continues…through Nicholas touching our lives every day and throughout our nights. And with the anxiety we have been experiencing, we are so glad to be able to turn to God, thank You, Father!
WE HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THESE JOURNALS AND THEIR PURPOSE in terms of ensuring they are about Nicholas, about God, about love which when we think about love…it evokes everything that is pure and good. You may remember sometimes that Nicholas would say, "Father, I am glad that I can help others, but can someone else do it now?" He was referring to expressions from others including guestbook entries saying that Nicholas was setting amazing examples of faith, mental toughness, love, etc. during the leukemia journey. Nicholas, our love, we are so proud of you for being the beautiful, loving child always turning to God even when there were troubling times-God never left your side and continues to be right there carrying you, holding you, patting you and doing all the things that you loved mom & dad to do. And He is doing it "perfectly."
WHILE WE HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD CONTINUE WRITING THESE JOURNALS, sitting at the computer and writing about our love for God and Nicholas seemingly guides our fingers while touching our hearts and souls. Writing the journals continue to provide a warm connection for us and is a very therapeutic experience each night. As the story continues, these journals and your guestbook entries are somewhat like a gift to us as well as an amazing connection with God, Nicholas, and love.
BECAUSE THESE JOURNALS ARE ABOUT LOVE WE TRUST the connection for you, and with you, is felt by you. So while we wonder about these journals from your perspective, we trust our hearts, our souls, and Nicholas' vibrant spirit and love to continually do what pleases God via these journals.
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:42 PM CDT
THE "REACH" OF LOVE
Yesterday we received a poem from a family whose son played basketball with our older son in college. For us, receiving the poem at this time was another demonstration of the "reach" of love. The message was timely delivered and we are not surprised because God is always giving to us in amazing ways.
Here is the poem (author unknown):
When loved ones first depart from us,
Our hearts find no relief.
And then, in time, our faith in God,
Releases us from grief.
In time, we trust the Savior's claim,
That death does not endure.
It is life that lasts forever,
In a hope that stands secure.
For with His death, Christ promised us,
That souls washed clean would gain,
A place with Him in Paradise,
And there they would remain.
Thus, mourning turns to comfort,
For we know, in time, we'll be,
Together with our loved one,
For all eternity.
AND THE "REACH" OF LOVE IS OFTEN WHERE WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN
We are so thankful for the medical staffs at Children's Hospital Oakland (CHO), Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital (LPCH), and The Children's Hospital Denver (TCH) for their warm, loving care Nicholas and mom & dad experienced. Through continued conversations, emails, and guestbook entries on this CaringBridge site the care & love continues. Thank you!
So not surprisingly we have warm, loving memories because they are all amazing. From A to M to Z their names are still on our hearts and we believe on Nicholas' soul as he too sees the beauty in the way they always interacted with him, with us. We could go through every letter of the alphabet to name everyone on the medical staffs; however, here too, we trust that God is touching them in ways…so the story continues. (From doctor "A"garwal at LPCH to Nurse Practitioner "M"olly at TCH to Nurse "M"ichelle at CHO to Radiologist "Z"hang at LPCH, your interactions helped Nicholas to have good memories along the leukemia journey).
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Monday, October 16, 2006 11:48 PM CDT
ANXIETY
In last night's journal we provided the latest snapshot on How We Are Doing. Relative to the difficulty getting through the days and the pain in our hearts / stomachs, what has been overwhelming are feelings of anxiety. It is like walls are closing in and breathing room sucked away. The anxiety comes from physically not being able to be with Nicholas, to see him, to hold him. We do have Nicholas so alive in our hearts & souls and spiritually, he vibrantly lives in our lives.
Reflecting back on Nicholas' life enables us to "see" love in action and realize that Nicholas generated love through his interactions. Perhaps Nicholas was also demonstrating lessons in love through his fun nature even during "trying times." Here are a few of those "trying times" we shared on this site back in March 2005 and similar to ones throughout Nicholas' journey…the results always were an experience of fun & love combined.
1) "Boo, did I scare you?"-When going into the operating room, waking up in the operating room, and various times with the nurses and doctors least expected it.
2) "What's your name, what's your whole name?"-To just about everyone who came into his room. And he remembered their first and last names.
3) "Can I tell you one thing first?"-When negotiating for time during administration of medicines.
4) "Thank you God for making me strong to take my shots!"-When occasionally having to take G-CSF shots in alternating arms for several consecutive nights at home.
5) "What are you going to whack next?"-When a doctor was checking his reflexes and then asked Nicholas to roll over.
6) "Mom, tell Jesus thank you for giving medicine so I could go boo-boo." Then after Sheila prayed, Nicholas asked, "What did He say?" (Nicholas had been constipated from one of the medicines.)
7) "Do you want a piece of me?"-To just about everyone, including mom and dad, when having fun or being a little feisty.
Experiencing Nicholas' vibrant facial expressions and his lively interaction with everyone was so beautiful. We praise God for always being with Nicholas and for Nicholas to find ways to have fun. We praise God for finding ways for us to ALWAYS be with Nicholas. You know, Nicholas must know that "Never gone, never far" is real because we never were gone from his side and never far from his reach.
I HOPE YOU EXPERIENCED FUN & LOVE FROM NICHOLAS and continue to experience fun & love because "Our angel Nicholas…We don't have to see you, to know you are here."
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Sunday, October 15, 2006 10:30 PM CDT
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY JOURNALS CAPTURE OUR FEELINGS AND LOVE
There was a hymn this morning at church that reminds us of the love we share with Nicholas…and why we are thankful for the blessings revealed in Friday and Saturday's journal. It is a love that we believe keeps us so close to Nicholas and a love that we need so very much every moment of the day. Everyday without Nicholas is extremely difficult. And everyday we are still parents needing to love and share love (we have three other boys, young men to influence & impact the world around them). Perhaps the need to share love, not for ourselves but for God, is also what enables us to know that Nicholas and all of these beautiful kids are perfect in God, in love, and in purity.
The hymn is another message to us about love, why Nicholas seemed to always love, and why we feel the need to share love:
LOVE GROWS HERE by Stephen L. Bigger
(chorus)
Love grows here, love grows here.
If we love our Savior, we'll hold His children near.
Near to the heart of Jesus, Love grows here!
Love is our purpose here, love is our song.
We are striving for a love like Jesus: patient, gentle, sweet and strong.
May we learn to live in harmony so we can see where we belong! (chorus)
Lord fill us with a joy like we've never known.
For Your sake, Lord, we are Your peacemakers kneeling at Your Father's throne.
Praying for Your love to heal our land and warm our hearts and fill our home! (chorus)
Make Your grace, fill this place. Help us show the world Your love is here! (chorus)
HOW WE ARE DOING
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (6)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (6)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, October 14, 2006 11:36 PM CDT
GENTLE REFLECTIONS
- This morning provided moments for just sitting on the bench at Nicholas' spot gazing into the sky…listening to the sounds of the morning from things happening nearby, in the sky, and in my heart & soul.
- This afternoon playing basketball with the boys provided moments for just "guy time"…and Nicholas was with us as we talked about the things he would do and the fun he had playing basketball.
- This evening was difficult and we found ourselves deeply reflecting on Nicholas and his amazing love that is so alive in our lives. There were moments of walking into his room, calling out his name, and looking out the picture window from the living room praying as the sun began to set. This moment, too, was a soothing reflection on Nicholas as we thought about the warm, loving moments holding Nicholas in our arms, rocking him, singing to him, and praying with him…sometimes he would gently and lovingly fall asleep as we walked along the picture window gazing into the sky. The reflections we are talking about here are like the times we did the things with Nicholas that we did tonight (November 7, 2005 journal).
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Friday, October 13, 2006 11:47 PM CDT
OUTING WITHOUT NICHOLAS
Nicholas (our 6 year old) and his high school friends: Tonight we went to our first high school football game without Nicholas. It was the Acalanes High School homecoming game and there were several players who were and are regulars in our lives (including Nicholas'). Mom worked in the snack shack and dad sat in the stands.
For mom, she interacted with many friends of all ages as she worked in the snack shack. And there were the moments when little boys came to the snack shack…she pictured how Nicholas would be coming to buy something, probably hot chocolate. She pictured his interactions with others and it led her interactions with others tonight. There was one little boy purchasing some items with $20.00 and she gave him a quick lesson in math as she helped him to understand the change he was receiving. A simple moment, yes, however, they were moments of joy while missing Nicholas so much. (She was doing what Nicholas would be doing: helping…)
For dad, he interacted with friends of all ages as he sat in the stands. There were the parents, and kids in grade school and high school that shared moments about Nicholas and/or simply expressed joy and shared love. There were the little kids wanting to go out onto the field at half time, there were those asking their parents for money to buy that snack in their mind that would make the outing at the game just right for them. I smiled thinking about these interactions that I would be having with Nicholas (and had with Nicholas in so many places doing so many things). And I smiled seeing the joy of family and love…and I was sad missing Nicholas.
A simple thought of mom & dad's…FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS AND SOULS. However, it is this thought and being thankful for God's love that provides even more to mom & dad when we are feeling down because God has never left us alone. God has not left our side, He has not stopped being our guide. When we need Him most He is already there…and when we do not know what we need He remains there inside our hearts and souls providing guidance and companionship without us even noticing.
We know that we are blessed, it is just so hard to reconcile moments like tonight…we cry, smile, and know that love will never leave Nicholas or us.
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Thursday, October 12, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
THANKFUL, HURTING, THANKFUL
EVERYDAY we are thankful for all the amazing memories we have of Nicholas: his birth, his smile, his gaze, his words, his actions, his giving, his caring, his love…
EVERYDAY we hurt, missing him physically: his smile, his gaze, his words, his actions, his giving, his caring, his love…
AND EVERYDAY we are so thankful for the joy of having Nicholas forever in our hearts and souls: his life, his smile, his gaze, his words, his actions, his giving, his caring, his love… Seemingly all of Nicholas comes to life in ways that let us know he is "playing and having fun" fully, completely living with God and at Jesus' feet. His smile as we look at his pictures or see his smile in our minds still warmly touches our hearts. His gaze from looking into his eyes on pictures or in our minds still happily penetrates our souls. His actions seem to come to life throughout our days and nights in an array of ways (thank you God, thank you Nicholas). His giving continues through his spirit that is so vividly alive in virtually everything we see and/or experience. His caring amazingly touches lives today as much as it did in all of the yesterdays…and we trust will continue in all of the tomorrows. And Nicholas' love for God, his love for all of us in ways that God enabled, coupled with his spirit will forever-we trust and believe because of God-build loving paths that fortify our hearts and souls for each other.
Every moment, every day, every week, every month…have been awfully hard. However, we hold Nicholas in ways that are so real through God and each way that we hold & love Nicholas are a very present help in our lives.
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006 10:57 PM CDT
TODAY
While the pain in our stomachs has never gone away since Nicholas passed on May 25, 2006, thankfully we continue to feel a sense of purpose for our lives. For this, too, we recognize that we are blessed.
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(Tuesday) Wednesday, October 11, 2006 10:41 PM CDT
WALKING, PRAYING, TALKING, LOVING
Today was like everyday of walking with, praying to, talking with, and loving God as well as Nicholas. Today was also like everyday…wondering why…and falling into God's hands to hold us up, lovingly placing us where he wants us to be.
Like the song, "Count It All Joy" that is on the Video Tribute and the NicholasColbyFund.org site, under Sound Tracks, "It is hard to understand sometimes…How do I make sense of everything I'm going through…And even in the darkest night…If you look hard enough…There's a trace of sunlight waiting there…Yes, waiting there for you…Everything that I need…Was right here, yes inside of me…"
We are so thankful for God's constant reminders that our sunshine, Nicholas, is in the perfectly lit place-Heaven-and is inside of us as we are inside of him. We just know…
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Monday, October 9, 2006 11:53 PM CDT
GOOD DAY, ROUGH NIGHT
The day was filled with many conversations about "making a difference" and not surprisingly they also included conversations about Nicholas. Sweet Nicholas, you continue to warm my heart and sooth my soul with your love…and our day was good.
Tonight, however, was one of the hardest nights in a couple of weeks. There was nothing wrong, except not having Nicholas physically here to hold… And we thought about the song, "If I Can Help Somebody" that was sung during the Celebration of Life. It is so amazing how the songs, words, from those sang during all the services on June 2, 2006 poignantly depicts Nicholas' entire life. And, again, Nicholas warmly touched our lives tonight where and how we needed through our reflection of "If I Can Help Somebody" (recapped on the June 14, 2006 journal entry).
Nicholas, thank you for helping us tonight as we listen to the song and its words:
- If I can help as I pass along
- If I cheer somebody with a word or song
- If I can bring back beauty to world of wrought
- If I can spread loves message that the master taught
- Then my living shall not be in vain
Nicholas you continue to do these things and more. And you are LIVING with God, playing and having fun with Jesus!
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Sunday, October 8, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
EMOTIONAL HIGHS & LOWS BUT LOVE ALWAYS ECHOES THROUGH
In the September 27, 2006 journal we talked about seeing life in a positive light while recognizing obstacles and challenges. This was our approach during Nicholas' leukemia journey and, actually, it has always been our approach toward life. As we think more about that, although it was and is very, very hard to focus and live life happily while facing some of the obstacles and challenges (especially missing Nicholas so much), loving God actually allows us to feel comforted and guided. We guess, well we feel, that counting on God brings joy in many ways…including the feeling as we call out His name. This by itself is amazing to us and we are so thankful that the mention of His name in our thoughts or out loud generate love that we feel!
Perhaps the feeling of calling out to God is why even the "echoes of love" as we call out Nicholas' name over his site at Oakmont Memorial Park commands so much power in our hearts and souls. The echo from loudly saying, "Nicholas we LOVE YOU" is simply and wonderfully amazing. (This is talked about in the August 4, 2006 journal.)
And the positive light we are talking about seems to be about the "light" from God that He provides. It reminds us of the book, "The Next Place," that we read to Nicholas on his last physical day with us, May 25, 2006. The book is recapped in the May 26, 2006 journal and the beginning that we remember right now is…"The Next Place is an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where earthly hurts are left behind. An uncomplicated journey of awe and wonder to a destination without barriers…"
So while we experience some very hurtful emotional lows, we are thankful for the echoes of love that keep coming to us. These echoes and God's love generate emotional highs that, thankfully, overshadow the emotional lows. We are thankful and feel blessed...
(Today was mom's birthday and here too we are thankful for the emotional highs and love that God provides, the love that Nicholas continues to provide, and the joy that mom had having all of her boys "with" her as Nicholas is never far, never gone...)
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Saturday, October 7 2006 11:59 PM CDT
LIGHT THE NIGHT® WALK (with Nicholas)
Beautiful was the tone of the night as family and friends (from home, Nicholas' school, and our work) participated on "Team Nikko" in Walnut Creek tonight for the Light The Night® Walk, which is the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's nationwide evening walk to build awareness of blood cancers.
Friends of all ages created posters of Nicholas…and the posters included some of the things that Nicholas would say, like "You want a piece of me?" Under the full moon the time spent together talking, walking, and loving Nicholas as well as all these beautiful kids who are surviving or have passed away, was beautiful.
PHOTOS
Aside from the picture above on this Home Page, please click on View Photos above to see the girls / women of "Team Nikko," most of the kids on "Team Nikko," and lots of posters of Nicholas & love.
(Most of the pictures taken tonight are now on the third album below, under Links, and we will post some on this caringbridge site over the next several days.)
THANK YOU, thank you, THANK YOU all who directly and in-directly participated. We truly love and are so grateful for the ways that you show up for Nicholas and are in our lives!
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Friday, October 6, 2006 11:00 PM CDT
DID YOU SEE THE MOON TONIGHT?
Do you remember the August 9, 2006 journal about what we saw in the moon? (If not, please press "Journal History" and scroll to August 9, 2006.) Today's news had an article, "Sky Watch: Tonight's Moon Will Be Extra Full." The article read, "Tonight's full moon will be almost 12 percent bigger than some of the full Moons this year, according to NASA, setting up a fine viewing opportunity when it rises in the evening. The reason: The Moon is near perigee, the point on its slightly out-of-round orbit that is closest to Earth."
Tonight was "full" in a few ways:
1) One of dad's brothers and dad's nieces (Nicholas' uncle and cousin) visited and we had a full evening with dinner; talking, laughing, tears, and love shared about Nicholas; and really nice time appreciating God for his comfort, love, and care He no doubt is providing to Nicholas.
2) Our church, Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church, where Nicholas' Memorial Service and Celebration of Life were held is remembered for its words: "Love grows here." It is about nurturing our core, securing our foundation, and discovering our purpose in Jesus Christ. With the Bible as our Word from God, one another as gifts from God, and authentic desire as our aspiration for God, it is about growing in our love for God. Growing in our love for one another. Growing in God's love for the world. We mention this here because we are so thankful to be able to recognize God's continued blessings in face of what Nicholas experienced since November 19, 2004, and we have experienced since May 25, 2006.
3) And of course, tonight was full as experienced via the Full Moon. Did you see it? Mapping back to the August 9, 2006 you will read why tonight filled our hearts with joy.
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Thursday, October 5, 2006 11:15 PM CDT
WE LOOK TO FAITH IN GOD AND TRUST IN GOOD (For Nicholas)
ANGELS FLYING HIGH
Today and this evening were amazingly majestic and it felt so good to experience what we did, when we did…because we love Nicholas so, so much. Below is a snapshot of love begetting love (I trust that you understand why we keep saying this, beside the fact that it has been proven in so many ways.)
- Blue Angels and Fleet Week: Throughout late morning and early afternoon U.S. Navy Blue Angels (jets) were piercing the sky against the SF landscape and amazing, majestic clouds that were sweeping against the blue sky as well as billowing up against the blue sky. It was a picture-perfect sky and from my office on the 20th floor the clarity and crispness of the air had me enjoying God's work.
The day was another reminder that God is always good so we just know that Nicholas is "heavenly just right" although we miss him so much.
- "RISING" banners hanging high on poles around City Hall / Civic Park in San Francisco: What a site to see blended with everything experienced today. With the word "Rising" on banners there was a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge in the background along with an eagle in the foreground. It was like a subtle reminder of love, spirit, and Nicholas.
- Sound stage at San Francisco's Civic Park in front of City Hall, the Civic Center, and the Federal Building: Uplifting, angelic music was thunderously penetrating throughout my body-really! As the music was being tested in preparation for a big outdoor event, it created a very pleasing atmosphere as I walked to BART for my ride home. The sound was so pure, gentle, and uplifting throughout several blocks. What sweet moments for any day. (The outdoor event is the San Francisco Opera "under the stars," live simulcast of "Rigoletto" tomorrow night there at Civic Center Plaza SF and Stanford University Frost Amphitheater.)
- Many types of birds were flying in their clusters as if the walk to BART was staged, orchestrated to provide the feelings experienced.
Nicholas, precious, you must be smiling and know that God is love... What a magnificent sunset, day, moonrise, and moments loving Nicholas! I hope others experienced some or all of these things (no matter where you were).
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Wednesday, October 4, 2006 11:04 PM CDT
A MESSAGE FROM NICHOLAS' MONTESSORI SCHOOL TO PARENTS OF CURRENT STUDENTS
"Last year we participated as a group in the Light The Night® Walk, which is the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's nationwide evening walk to build awareness of blood cancers.
"Walkers carry illuminated balloons-white for survivors and red for supporters-to celebrate and commemorate lives touched by cancer. We walked because our lives were touched by a very special boy and his family. Nicholas Gilbert was a very popular and much loved little boy who started DVMS in Miss Jenny's class and had moved on into Miss Shirley's class. At the Octoberfest in 2004, I remember Nicholas came dressed in his Minnesota Vikings uniform and Sheila Gilbert was helping out in the food booth. Shortly after that on November 19th, Nicholas was diagnosed with High Risk B-Precursor, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). After a courageous battle in which Nicholas had gone into remission for about 10 months, he left us in the physical sense on May 25, 2006. However, Nicholas' spirit lives on as all those who knew him still carry a piece of Nicholas in their hearts.
"One of the things I love about DVMS is the sense of community and carrying among the children and their families. It is in this spirit that we invite you to join us in Walnut Creek at Civic Park on Saturday, October 7, 2006 for The Light The Night® Walk. Registration, food, and entertainment begin at 5:00PM and the walk leaves Civic Park at 7:00PM. We will be joining Sheila and Lamont Gilbert and their co-workers from AAA as part of 'Team Nikko'"…
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Tuesday, October 3, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
AS ANOTHER DAY COMES TO AN END we walk about the house thinking about Nicholas. We think about watching him just doing the things that he did, just listening to him talk, and just gazing into his eyes or onto everything about him because loving him felt and feels so good. Throughout the days and nights we periodically, just stop and deeply gaze into his eyes on pictures or in our minds. We are so captivated by his wonderfulness today as always, that draws us so very close to his spirit and his soul.
Sometimes, although there is joy from being so close in those moments captured above, there is also hurt because we just miss him so. Many times when talking about our pain we say, "we just miss him" because we want Nicholas to understand that we do MISS HIM although we trust and believe he is "playing and having fun." We do not want Nicholas in spirit or however God enables him to be connected, to feel that we are hurting for any reason other than "we just miss him." What we are trying to say is Nicholas has done EVERYTHING RIGHT and we want him to constantly just know…
So we trust God to deliver completely on His words fulfilling us all. And we think about so many hymns, songs, poems, writings, etc. like the book "The Next Place" read to him on May 25, 2006 and words in songs like "Never gone, never far"…"This bond between us can't be broken, because you'll be in my heart from this day on and forever more"…"From the moment I saw you, from the moment I looked into your eyes, there was something about you I knew, I knew, that you were once in a lifetime…"
As living goes on we do keep living with Nicholas a very present part of our lives, while balancing our strength to be a very present part of the lives of our other boys, our family, our friends (all of you) in the ways that we should, ways the we could, and ways that serve God. We are "trying" (knowing that the active word really should be "doing" but sometimes it is extremely hard) to do these things leaning on God and His guidance...and always being so connected to Nicholas.
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Monday, October 2, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
THE WIZARD OF OZ (Community Theatre presented more than the expected)
It is stated that the Wizard of Oz was simply written to entertain children of all ages…and teach wonderful lessons in the timeless and touching story. "We only need to look within ourselves to find courage, love, and intelligence that are inherent in all human beings." And, remember, "there is no place like home."
Recently mom & dad received a community-theatre post card from a beautiful girl-Lis-Nicholas met through KJ during Nicholas' leukemia journey. She performs in community plays and other venues. Like The Wizard of Oz, reflecting on Nicholas' journey there are countless experiences of his courage, love, intelligence, wit, etc. Today, we received a "program" of Lis' latest play, The Wizard of Oz, and her note: "I'm sending you this special program." Following is an excerpt from the program about Lis, about Nicholas, about KJ:
Liz "has also appeared in numerous shows with Harmony Players: Sound of Music, Pajama Game, West Side Story, Music Man, Grease, Chorus Line, Oliver, Cinderella. She also would like to dedicate this show to two special boys, KJ Estudillo and Nicholas Colby Gilbert…Thank you for being my inspiration!"
So the story continues…love begetting love. Thank you, Lis!
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Sunday, October 1, 2006 11:06 PM CDT
GOD CONTINUES TO BE A VERY PRESENT HELP, AND…
Today we went to a birthday party for Anastashia, the youngest of the Nieuwsma girls many of you may remember from reading or seeing pictures about Nicholas' journey. Anastashia will turn 6 years old in a few days. Aside from the all the things associated with a birthday party, there was rock climbing that also contributed to it being a difficult (or should say conflicting) time. Remember, Nicholas also enjoyed rock climbing (as seen via the Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service June 2, 2006). We were glad to be there for Anastashia, with her three sisters, and with her parents. We were glad to be there enjoying God through friendship and love that He provides…constant reminders that God really is a very present help to us. God has been so proactive, providing for us in ways that we do not know we need yet come to know that we needed.
AND, we were sad not to have Nicholas physically with us! We were sad to not see Nicholas physically enjoying the interaction he always lovingly contributed to. While it was difficult-conflicting emotions-we look to God, we pray, we speak to Nicholas, we pray…turning to God and His all-knowing ways we trust He is proactively ensuring that Nicholas is short of nothing. We trust God completely although it terribly hurts to be without Nicholas physically. And we were told that Nicholas, while not physically here today, truly is never gone, never far because he was contributing to Anastashia's birthday.
(Like so many friends of Nicholas who spent time with him everywhere we were during his journey, the Nieuwsma girls are the ones who played the Harp during Nicholas' Celebration of Life on June 2, 2006 and brought their Harp to LPCH to play for Nicholas and for Nicholas to play for all of us. Remember Nicholas playing the Harp on the Video Tribute? Pictures are on the third album below under Links…scrolling to 3/17/06.)
A SONG FROM CHURCH TODAY SPEAKS TO HOW WE SHOW UP FOR GOD, WITH NICHOLAS
"We Fall Down" by Chris Tomlin:
We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus
The greatness of mercy and love at the feet of Jesus
And we cry: Holy, holy, holy
And we cry: Holy, holy, holy
And we cry: Holy, holy, holy is the Lamb.
Note: Crowns meaning like earthly possessions.
This song reminded us of the times Nicholas would say, "I'm glad that I can help people (to know and love God), but could someone else do it now?" He said this referring to being on the leukemia journey and navigating the ups & downs. And it was during times when people would express that Nicholas' steadfast love for God and Nicholas' strength, energy, enthusiasm, joy, & endless passion for caring about others were amazing testaments to God.
And this song has us thinking about our purpose, our love, and how we show up for God, for Nicholas, and for what God and Nicholas continues to teach us.
Saturday, September 30, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CUDDLING
Nicholas' special spot (as one sweet little friend calls it) provided cuddling moments fitting for today's weather and natural happenings. Enjoying the grounds were deer, squirrels, wild turkeys, birds...high above were planes in the distance, and whispery clouds. From above and touching below were the sun's rays shinning through the clouds...the caress of the breeze and its gentle swaying of the wind chimes provided a melody for our hearts. Seemingly all of today's happenings were in harmony.
From the chill in the air to the warmth from the sun...everything in harmony generated cuddling moments and thinking of Nicholas warmed our souls. Oh God, we trust and believe, Nicholas trusted and believed, so seeing and feeling Your grace in the ways experienced today...oh God Your love and grace must be amazing to Nicholas as he must be realizing everything working out for his good. And as we previously "journaled," when we are again together with Nicholas the experience to him will only be like moments apart (like when he was at school during the day).
Father, Nicholas and all of these beautiful kids need to feel Your love fulfilling them fully; we pray thanking You for Your words.
MESSAGE FROM A FRIEND
Recently a friend gave me a message and said it can be for one of the journals. Today had several diverse happenings, and from missing Nicholas to joy because of God to questions swirling, today that message seemed like a gift from Nicholas:
"I looked at the web sites and read and felt his life. My heart is full as I think of what you and your family have been going through. I looked high and low for a card and just couldn't find anything that said what I thought I may want to hear in your situation. So I took to (my) thoughts to see if there was something I would want to hear...and what I heard was a little boy named Nicholas who I did not know but who simply said:
-'When they gave me a choice to pick out my dad I picked you.
-When God asked me where I'd like to live I told Him I wanted to live with you.
-When asked who do you want to teach you things I smiled and pointed to you.
-Everyone knew I was happy, they could see it in my eyes...I was very happy.
-When they asked me what I'd like to say I simply smiled and said I know your sad dad and I know you miss me,
-When you're still and you fill the wind across your face that will be me.
-Know there are blessings in the wind, there are blessings in my passing like the day I'll see you again.
-Dad (and mom) I love you!'"
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Friday, September 29, 2006 10:41 PM CDT
CHERISH
Today and tonight we were constantly thinking about and missing Nicholas; however, today and tonight were okay. Thinking about Nicholas we thought about the life that we cherish, and the love that we cherish, with Nicholas. We treasure everything about Nicholas and thank God for His guidance toward this understanding.
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Thursday, September 28, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
AS ANOTHER DAY COMES TO AND END…
We think about ALL that Nicholas brought into our lives and brings into our lives even today. As another day comes to an end, we have tears missing Nicholas and we hear & see things that shine a light on our hearts and into our souls. One moment we are hurt so much deep inside and outwardly cry just missing Nicholas…and another moment-while the pain deep inside remains-our hearts are warmed by Nicholas' light and our souls seem to glow illuminating a perfect picture of him that thankfully is all around us in our world.
Whether we are home, at work, around town doing the daily things that most do, we look to God to guide our lives and so appreciate our family, friends (colleagues, neighbors, Nicholas' classmates & their parents, and all of you engaged along the way). We feel that the blessings that continue in our lives everyday in spite of some very tough days are reminders that Nicholas is happy & whole in spite of the journey… he is at "home" although being at home with us is where we wanted him to be. He is where we pray and live lovingly so we will be with him and Him.
IN SPITE OF CHALLENGES WE HAVE
Simply stated, Nicholas navigated and endured more than we collectively have ever experienced in our lives. He "lived" and that in itself is a loving tribute enabling us to live for him and, of course, for God. So in spite of challenges that we face, Nicholas is helping us once again as we reflect on how he navigated and lived lovingly along the way.
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
WE ARE STRUGGLING ("AND" WE ARE FEELING LOVED)
Honestly, it just does not seem real…the last 125 days since May 25, 2006. Our love for God, for what is good, and for what is right make up the foundation of our lives. We do not say these things to blindly hope for God's love and graces; we say these things because we know that we do not have to ask God to be God-He is God so His work is good and right although we just cannot understand all that has happened. AND we trust and believe with our eyes wide open, with our minds, hearts, and souls rooted in Love.
Keeping our minds, heart, and hands busy with these journals, reading the guestbook entries, cards, emails, and letters are very helpful to us. All of these things have been a helpful part of our lives since November 19, 2004…and we are so thankful for God's constant presence in our lives. God and His loving touch have immensely blessed Nicholas and our family in many ways. Even though it was and is hard to understand that Nicholas was not healed the physical way we prayed, loved, and cried (cry) for. We miss Nicholas so very much.
Most of you know that I look at things in a positive light, while recognizing obstacles and challenges. I focused on the positive things in ways intended to help Nicholas "live" and love regardless of what we faced…because our Father, our daddy, was loving us and lighting up our paths. Even as May 25, 2006 approached we believe God paved a path for Nicholas to be home in the Bay Area so that Nicholas could be around the love that God provided through you. Thank you so much! We are sure you saw that Nicholas "lived" on the leukemia journey-yes there were some troubling times and yes there were smiles, laughter, playfulness, joy, fun and so many things that a child enjoys.
We know that Nicholas was so loved and remains loved by so many. Understanding more and more about grieving, we are also not understanding more and more about grieving. We are struggling deep inside and we feel loved (so the roller coaster, so to speak, continues today in this way). God, as we prayed with Nicholas, we pray ourselves to You that who we need right now is You…
Nicholas, we see you in so many ways son-love begets love, forever.
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006 11:59PM CDT
REMEMBER THE 3 FORMATIONS OF CLOUDS RECENTLY
Referring to the August 18, 2006 2:15AM journal, we talked about a heavenly surprise above Nicholas' site at Oakmont Memorial Park in Lafayette. The surprise was an amazing gift-we believe-from God and from Nicholas. Before we continue with this journal…prior to Nicholas' passing we would download photos from our camera onto the computer regularly. We have not done so as frequently and while a picture of the 3 clouds we are talking about was taken over a month ago, we did not download the picture that was more than amazing to us because viewing it on the camera screen it appeared too far in the distance to show up clear enough. But just over a week ago we downloaded pictures and what a beautiful surprise to see that the picture of the 3 clouds can be seen.
NOW, THREE (3) HAS EVEN MORE OF AN AMAZING MEANING TO US
- God
- Love
- Spirit
- The Father
- The Son
- The Holy Ghost
THE THREE (3) CLOUDS
CLOUD ON THE LEFT - I could not determine a clear figure for this cloud; however, it resembled a fire burst shooting upward or a fireworks display shooting upward.
CLOUD IN THE MIDDLE - Stunningly, the shape is a right hand with all fingers and a thumb, seemingly giving a soft high-five, a gentle wave hello, and/or message to "be still and calm" because I am okay.
CLOUD ON THE RIGHT - This cloud was shocking. It had the crisp shape of a butterfly and Nicholas enjoyed butterflies. (A few years ago Nicholas "raised" butterflies from the larvae stage on up to the beautiful butterfly stage in a butterfly container...to their release. A picture of Nicholas releasing one can be seen on one of the albums under Links and the Video Tribute that we are searching for a way to make available via a link on the Nicholas Colby Fund site.)
We have seen what we have seen, we feel what we feel, we love God and Nicholas… trusting Nicholas and God will love us in an array of ways...love begets love and will manifest love in our lives, our hearts, and our souls. So maybe this was love finding another way to embrace us.
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Monday, September 25, 2006 11:38 PM CDT
123 DAYS (4 MONTHS) since May 25, 2006 that Nicholas has been at God's side, with Jesus, and a light for all of us even brighter than the amazing way he illuminated our lives for nearly 6 1/2 years.
Love really does beget love. This evening, spontaneously, family and friends were at Nicholas' site at the same time. His teacher, Ms. Shirley, was there. From mom's work, Cyndi, was there. And a friend of Nicholas' nanny who is now our friend, Jules, was there. There were others there today. Someone left a note that no doubt has Nicholas smiling (remember his passion for writing notes and desire for collecting money?). The note read, "I love you Nico Pico. I miss you so much. We all do." And they left a dollar bill.
Two other surprises tonight: roses and a small dolphin sculpture (with three dolphins seemingly "playing and having fun").
We are so grateful for the love and support all of you directly and indirectly provide Nicholas and the rest of our family! We miss Nicholas so, so much and missing him is constantly in our thoughts, on our hearts, and in our souls. Nicholas, son, you are so loved…
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Sunday, September 24, 2006 11:41 PM CDT
QUESTIONS AND SORROWS
While we still do have questions & sorrows, we do not directly seek answers to the questions…we do seek to be even closer to God and trust & believe Him. We trust God to love because He is love. And like the analogy of the quilt talked about in the August 3, 2006 journal, sometimes things that we see, we just do not understand. Remember, the analogy was about the bottom side of a quilt and seeing knots and material that have been cut off and perhaps dangling. And imagining seeing the topside of the finished quilt or even while it is being created…what you would see is a beautiful piece of work and it transitioning into a masterpiece. (It is a masterpiece even though it is in the works of being seen as a masterpiece.)
What we heard in church today reminded us of the quilt: "Following Jesus is overcoming doubt, unbelief, and sacred ambiguity." For us, we focus on Jesus and God, knowing that God is our Father…he is our Daddy so we just know that His love is constant although some days are really hard to get through. His work is masterful and He will see us all through our questions & sorrows. And everything will work out for our good through Him.
So we trust & believe Nicholas is perfectly okay because he is with God; and we will be with Nicholas as it all works out for the good of all of us loving God. (And Nicholas was always loving God…)
HOW ARE WE DOING-we are very thankful for the continued "smiling" relative to the first 4 "views" below.
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, September 23, 2006 11:10 PM CDT
"BEAUTIFUL"
"Beautiful" is a song performed by Jim Brickman & Wayne Brady and is a song on Nicholas' Video Tribute that was played during the Memorial Service, June 2, 2006. (You can hear the song by going to www.nicholascolbyfund.org, to Song Tracks, to the "Loving Tribute To Nicholas" CD, to the number 5 song "Beautiful.")
This song was on our hearts Saturday morning, midday, and tonight. And we could see and feel so many moments throughout Nicholas' life, and now, that reflect the words in the song (many of the reflections have been written in the journals from the beginning).
Note: Following are words to the song and in (parentheses) below lines of the song we have captured some of the reflections we have of Nicholas:
BEAUTIFUL
From the moment I saw you
- (When Nicholas was born)
From the moment I looked into your eyes
- (From always looking into Nicholas' eyes)
There was something about you
- (Nicholas' sweetness and love)
I knew, I knew
That you were once in a lifetime
- (Nicholas loved people so much and always helping people)
A treasure near impossible to find
- (Nicholas was so genuine with his love)
And I know how lucky I am to have you
- (God's gift to us, to you, that we feel even today)
Cause I've seen rainbows that can take your breath away
The beauty of the setting sun that ends a perfect day
- (Pictures in the albums of Nicholas & sunsets)
And when it comes to shooting stars I've seen a few
- (We often talk about Nicholas as a shooting star to be seen again and again)
But I have never seen anything, as beautiful as you
- (Day & night Nicholas' beauty resonates with so many, thank you!)
Holding you in my arms
- (Nicholas loved to be in our arms as we danced; remember journals about the song, "Dance With My Father" or about us dancing with Nicholas at his Oakmont site?)
No one else has fit so perfectly
- (Nicholas' embrace has always been heavenly)
I can dance forever with you, with you
- (We often prayed, cried, and softly danced with Nicholas in our arms)
And at the stroke of midnight
- (Nicholas was often up late during the leukemia journey, remember?)
Please forgive me if I can't let go
- (Nicholas' presence, his scent, his own touch is amazing)
Cause I've never dreamed I'd find a Cinderella of my own
Cause I've seen rainbows that can take your breath away
-(Nicholas painted lots of rainbows)
The beauty of the setting sun that ends a perfect day
And when it comes to shooting stars, I've seen a few
But I have never seen anything, as beautiful as you
- (Nicholas, sweet Nicholas)
La Da Da Da Da Da Dah
Ohh Oh Oh Oh Ohh
- (Nicholas loved to sing)
I've seen rainbows that can take your breath away, away
The beauty of the setting sun that ends a perfect day
And when it comes to shooting stars I've seen a few
But I have never seen, anything, Ohh Oh Ohh, no I've never seen anything
- (Nicholas, the beautiful way you engaged with classmates, neighbors…everyone)
As beautiful as you
From the moment I saw you
- (Nicholas, then and now, you are in our hearts & souls)
From the moment I looked into your, eyes
- (Nicholas, always and forever, my love)
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Friday, September 22, 2006 11:05 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' MEMORIAL MARKER (above on this Home Page)
We remember, when we were kids, the words "stop, look, and listen." We think about these words now because when we "stop," "look," and "listen" during everything in our lives we can "see" and "hear" the joy that nothing can take away from us. It is joy unmistakably given to us by God…the joy of Nicholas that is never gone, never far, and forever in our hearts and souls. It is the joy of our other three boys…the joy of family, friends/neighbors/colleagues, and those who continually show up in our lives and become friends.
As we write this journal, in the moment we "stopped" and "listened" to the joy in our hearts because of God. In doing so we were reminded-thank you Father, God-of a video we took of Nicholas on April 9, 2006…he was playing on his laptop and interacting with a safety program. The program he was interacting prompted Nicholas to sing to it (and that is when we grabbed the video camera and videotaped him singing): "…stop, look, and listen…you don't know what you are missing…" And the genuine singing of the words, swaying of his arms/hands, and movement of his lips, his eyes, his head told us that he was happy and full of joy (in spite of all the leukemia and bone marrow stuff).
(Remember Nicholas and his laptop from his 6th birthday? If not, please refer to the photos on the third album and scroll to the period just before and after January 27, 2006 as well as refer to the journals around that time period.)
THE MEMORIAL MARKER is for our sunshine, our prince, our king-Nicholas-who every moment of our lives graces us with his loving presence in ways that do let us know that God is THE KING. God is THE KING and he is letting Nicholas be king through the amazing love that Nicholas shared and shares even today! The surprises referenced in last night's journal are the "heart-shaped" frame around Nicholas' picture on his Marker. The picture was imbedded onto marble by a laser. And the "balloons" emblem. And the "Cherub" emblem.
And the surprises that we will forever give Nicholas are love everyday, always! "Nicholas, we just know that you feel our love, your family and friend's love, and you are with Love!"
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Thursday, September 21, 2006 11:19 PM CDT
GOLDEN "PUZZLE PIECE"
Our hearts were touched by Nicholas' love again-tonight mom received an early birthday gift from a friend. It is a gold medallion…created in the shape of a "puzzle piece" with the back inscribed, "You will always have a piece of me…"
"Do you want a piece of me?" is what Nicholas would say. And mostly we replied, "We want all of you!"
NICHOLAS' "FLAT MEMORIAL MARKER"
Tomorrow afternoon Nicholas' "flat memorial marker" will be installed on his Oakmont site. This is the marker with his name and we have some beautiful, touching surprises for Nicholas. The surprises are a combination of things he loved and things about love.
DETAILS AND PHOTO OF THE MARKER fit for a prince-well fit for a King because Nicholas would convince us that he was a King-will be provided in tomorrow night's journal and Home Page.
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
BUT GOD, WHO HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS YOU
Some days were very difficult for Nicholas and were difficult for Sheila & me as we responded to questions like, "Father, I know God loves me but how come He hasn't touched me to heal me?" Our response to questions like this was always rooted in trusting and believing God. Not blindly trusting or wishing God's love to love. Trusting and everyday seeing blessings come Nicholas' way, come our way.
We would sometimes cry with Nicholas saying, and praying, that we know God loves you and we know what we want and when we want it. And God, who we need right now is You…as we know that Your love never fails and as much as we want to see and feel healing now we trust Your love and recognize that the healing is taking place in Your way. Even now, we think about the song, "He's my son," with the words and link to the song in the January 6, 2006 journal.
As we look back over the journals written during Nicholas' leukemia journey, we reflect on the sorrows and the blessings-the blessings that were realized every, every day. And we are reminded of the song, "If You Could See Me Now," with the words to the song in the July 31, 2006 journal. The following words soothingly are felt in my heart and soul right now:
…
Though we've had our sorrows,
They can never compare.
What Jesus had in store for us,
No language can share.
If you could see me now,
I'm walking streets of gold.
If you could see me now,
I'm standing tall and whole.
If you could see me now,
You'd know I'd seen His face.
If you could see me now,
You'd know the pain is erased.
You wouldn't want me,
To ever leave this perfect place,
If you could only see me now.
If you could see me now...
Nicholas we see you baby and our love for you grows daily-although the love we have always had for you no one could ever measure because of its depth and breadth. My tears are because you, son, are more than amazing… We are blessed because of God, because of you. Remember, "We just know that we will always feel each other in our hearts and souls." God must be so very pleased with the love you showed Him and everyone during the difficult days. You, Nicholas, are amazing today as you were all of the yesterdays and will be all of the tomorrows!
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006 10:50 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' BROTHERS…
"I still can't or don't want to believe it. It still feels so unreal and like a nightmare that I can't wake up from...the pain and hurt just won't go away. Not a month, week, day, hour, minute or second goes by that I don't think of Nicholas and just see his face and hear his voice. Even without physically having him here, at those moments, he still finds a way to put a smile on my face and give me a sense of calmness like he always could.
"It is still so hard to understand and I feel like I never really will. But I know through it all, since May 25, 2006 at 12:52 PM, he has been and will continue to be with me every month, every week, every day, every hour, every minute and every second until the day we're together again. And I know every step I take, everywhere I go and everything I do, he is with me."
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Monday, September 18, 2006 11:46 PM CDT
DIFFICULT NIGHT, HOWEVER, WE WANT TO SHARE SOME PHOTOS
Today was okay; however, tonight we are having a very difficult time missing Nicholas so much more than words can describe.
Referring to yesterday's journal, the "Home Page" photo above and the three photos under the "View Photos" button above were taken at Camp Okizu this past weekend:
- Mom created / painted a tile at Camp Okizu that will be placed at the camp along with tiles created by other parents
- On every trip with Nicholas we found a heart-shape rock, and now at Camp Okizu too
- After all parents with a candle lit for their child participated in a reading (please refer to yesterday's journal), we all placed our candle into the fire at the camp's amphitheater. The flames provided a backdrop for Nicholas' heart-shape rock
- Nicholas was always in our arms or holding our hand, now he is still close and warm in our hearts & souls
WE WERE ASKED ABOUT HEARING THE SONGS LINKED TO NICHOLAS (so in case you missed it)
To hear songs from the June 2, 2006 Memorial Service and Celebration of Life, please refer to the September 13, 2006 journal by clicking on "Journal History" above and scrolling to September 13, 2006 for the directions and links.
Or just scroll up the "Home Page" to the heading, "Songs From The June 2, 2006 Celebration of Life Can Now Be Heard Again," for directions and the links.
HOW ARE WE DOING-we are very thankful for the continued "smiling" relative to the first 4 views below. While the day was okay, tonight was very difficult missing Nicholas… (We guess this is our roller coaster although it is so, so tiny recognizing Nicholas' roller coaster along his leukemia journey was astronomical. And Nicholas still smiled and loved so, so much!)
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4 today and 6 tonight)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (6)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Sunday, September 17, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CAMP OKIZU FOR BEREAVED FAMILIES
Mom was eager to participate in the Camp Okizu family camp for bereaved parents, and dad had some reservations. The reservations were not about welcoming any type of help along this part of our journey, the reservations were about unknown excruciating-personal conversations with people we do not know. And it has only been 115 days ago that Nicholas passed so dad was not sure about the timing. Too soon?
Surprisingly, however, being at Camp Okizu was the right place to be for many reasons. Here are a few: 1) conversations with others who feel and are experiencing the awful pain of losing a child, 2) conversations about challenges faced along this part of our journey, 3) conversations about joy that manifests in amazing ways that are "never gone, never far, in our hearts is where you are…" We were both so glad to have participated, expanding our circle of love, and creating helpful space in our hearts & souls that should continually help us along the way. This was a beautiful reminder that God's speed is God's time and He will provide for us in His time.
There is so much to share about this camp, however, for now below is a quick recap starting with Sunday (today), Saturday, and then Friday:
SUNDAY, September 17, 2006
After breakfast at camp, the 13 families went to the camps' amphitheater (with a lake and tree-lined back drop) where a "candle ceremony" was held for our children who have passed. Each parent shared a remembrance of their child as one candle lit the candle being held by another. Before the lighting of the candles and remembrances, all the parents out loud said the following words to what was written as, "We Remember Them." After each statement of "we remember them" the sounds of a chime rang through the amphitheater.
In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them.
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.
In the blueness of the sky and the warmth of summer,
We remember them.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.
When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.
So long as we live, they live in our hearts,
For they are part of us,
As we remember them.
SATURDAY, September 16, 2006
After breakfast at camp, the 13 families transitioned from the lodge to another building on the 500-acre camp. There the founder told his story about establishing Camp Okizu 25-years ago. Then each parent of a child who has passed away, from a form of cancer, shared the story about their child.
About 2 ½ hours later we all had heard stories about 1) children a couple of months old to late teens who were diagnosed with cancer, 2) these children who had passed away at an age ranging from a few months old to their late teens, 3) these children who had passed away as recent as two months ago to ten years ago. There were parents from the Bay Area (Lafayette - Nicholas, Orinda, Clayton) of California; Fairfield; Sacramento; Central Valley (Modesto, Turlock); El Dorado Hills; and Minden, Nevada.
Hearing the stories of others we cried with them, laughed with them, and reflected on God's love with them. Sharing our story about Nicholas we shared love…that is "never gone, never far, in our hearts is where you are" Nicholas! And amazingly, hearing, sharing, living these moments and reflecting on moments, love filled the air and our hearts…
The afternoon was filled with a hiking tour of portions of the 500-acre camp, a "ropes course" where we were fitted with a harness similar to those used for rock climbing and we embarked on a series of adventures that took us flying over 100 yards down a hill on a cable…to climbing up to 60 feet on a tree and "cat walking" on a beam while being secured with cables similar to rock climbing…and taking adventurous walks on the beams as well as leaping off the beam to snatch a flag suspended high off the ground…and then drifting to the ground.
Along with other activities, after dinner all the families went to the camps' amphitheater for a campfire, camp songs, and smores. After the campfire we went back to the art floor of the lodge to complete painting a ceramic tile about Nicholas that will be placed on one of the buildings along with tiles created by other parents. (Sheila created and wonderfully painted a caption about Nicholas.)
PICTURES FROM THIS WEEKEND WILL BE POSTED WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
FRIDAY, September 15, 2006
The trip to the Camp Okizu started out Friday afternoon and in some regards it seemed like a trip with all of our boys (including Nicholas) although it was just mom & dad. We started out with expectations of God's love revealing love unexpectedly although predictable because without fail He loves Nicholas, Matthew, Timothy, Christopher, and mom & dad as well as all of you. And there was the feeling of traveling that seems to always present adventure and warm memories.
Following recaps our drive to Camp Okizu:
- Singing songs holding our hearts very close to the words and wonderful memories.
- A rainbow in the distance and as we approach it was vibrant and vivid. The rainbow rose high into the sky disappearing in the clouds; and we were left with the feeling that the rainbow ended in Heaven where clearly our "pot of gold" (Nicholas) is.
- While we were mesmerized by the rainbow, we noticed a sign on the side of the road that read, "East Nicoulas," (not spelled Nicholas) the name of a small town that we were approaching. Remember the song, "Count It All Joy," at the end of Nicholas' Video Tribute? Well, count it all joy was exactly what we were feeling…counting the wonders of love, joy!
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Thursday, September 14, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
JOURNAL HIATUS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY: CAMP OKIZU THIS WEEKEND
Referring to the September 12 journal, beginning tomorrow (Friday) mom & dad will be at Camp Okizu with other parents of a child who has passed away. We are going into this trip with hopeful expectations relative to conversations & care, including time to just be away so we personally can be even closer to God as well as Nicholas.
SOMETHING ABOUT NICHOLAS FROM A FRIEND
Today, a friend gave me the following message she created about Nicholas as she was listening this afternoon to the song "Joy" from Nicholas' Video Tribute played at his June 2, 2006 Memorial Service. (All of the "Celebration of Life" songs can be heard on the NicholasColbyFund.org site as stated in yesterday's journal and now stated in the header at the top of this Home Page as an access reminder.)
Although the following is about Nicholas, we think you will experience that it is about Nicholas, God, mom & dad and our other three boys, and about you:
- N is for "New Life" here on Earth and in Heaven
- I is for "Imagine" no one could imagine the many blessings you would bring with your presence
- C is for "Care" you showed so many others while carrying the cross you were given
- H is for "Holy" in the Holy Spirit that guided you, your father, your mother and us to..."Him"
- O is for Omnipotence, Omniscience, Omnipresence of the Almighty God
- L is for "Love" you gave, Love we give, and the Love God Is!
- A is for "Apple" for the juicy little apple you are…of your mother and father's eyes
- S is for "Spirit" and how you brought all of us together under one spirit..."The Spirit of Love in the Spirit of the Lord"
- NICHOLAS, we will never be the same! :)
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006 11:47 PM CDT
SONGS FROM THE JUNE 2, 2006 CELEBRATION OF LIFE CAN NOW BE HEARD AGAIN
While the transition to the NicholasColbyFund.org site is still underway, you can again experience songs from the June 2, 2006 Memorial Service and Celebration of Life on the NicholasColbyFund.org site. Please go to www.NicholasColbyFund.org, select the "Sound Tracks" page, and then click on any of the songs to experience them again. Following are the songs:
- Nicholas' Song of Love
- "Held" originally performed by Natalie Grant, sung by Linda Freitas at Nicholas' Memorial Service
- "If I Can Help Somebody" originally performed by Aaron Hall, sung by Ed Harris at Nicholas' Celebration of Life
- Songs from the Video Tribute played at the Memorial Service (pictures of Nicholas with family, school-mates, neighbors, and many of you poignantly set to music/songs):
1) "For Good" performed by Idina Menzel & Kristen Chenoweth
2) "Step In The Name Of Love" performed by R Kelly
3) "You'll Be In My Heart" (from the movie Tarzan) performed by Phil Collins
4) "Beautiful Soul" performed by Jesse McCartney
5) "Beautiful" performed by Jim Brickman & Wayne Brady
6) "Never Gone" performed by Backstreet Boys
7) "Old Friends" performed by George Winston
8) "Joy" performed by George Winston
9) "Count It All Joy" performed by BeBe & CeCe Winans
***REQUEST***
Please let us know, on this site at this time, what you think of experiencing the songs again.
NOTE" We are still determining how to position the Video Tribute for you to view, with its amazing pictures of Nicholas poignantly set to the 9 songs above.
THANKS
The NicholasColbyFund.org site platform and setup is thanks to Reda and Luigi of Learning Technology Partners.
The Video Tribute songs and Video Tribute is thanks to Ginny.
We are blessed! And Nicholas, thanks for continually smiling on us as we all smile on you.
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Tuesday, September 12, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
BEREAVEMENT CAMP?
This coming weekend we are planning to participate in an Okizu Foundation's Oncology Family Camp for bereaved families. The mission of the Okizu (oak-eye-zoo, is a Sioux Indian Word meaning Unity) Foundation is to provide recreational, respite, and peer support programs for families affected by childhood cancer. We have heard wonderful reports from new-found friends who have had the unfortunate opportunity to attend. It should be a helpful experience, a time to connect with other families in our situation.
While Nicholas was able to enjoy MANY adventures and activities before and during his leukemia journey, he did not "officially" go camping. If we go, we expect Nicholas to be there in MANY ways. [The director of the bone marrow transplant services at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital supervises the medical staff (pediatric oncology departments, social workers, and recreation therapists from participating hospitals.)]
ANOTHER SURPRISE AT NICHOLAS' SITE
Wrapped around the cherub statue at Nicholas' special spot last night was a very nice Hawaiian shell necklace. We are sure it has a special story behind it and hope that we will hear the story soon. It is so wonderful to know that Nicholas will NEVER be forgotten by the ones he had the chance to touch in his very short 6 years here on earth.
We are so thankful for the work that Nicholas did by just being who he was, our angel on earth and now our angel in heaven. You have probably read or heard this…"for some only dream of angels, we have held one!"
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Monday, September 11, 2006 11:20 PM CDT
ONE MORE DAY
The song, "One More Day," by Diamond Rio like most songs can provide many meanings. During Nicholas' physical journey here on earth, Sheila and I listened to the words, and even now we view the essence as beautiful heartfelt expressions of wanting to always hold love close. However, the reality for us was that if that "One More Day" meant our little guy would have had to suffer, we would unselfishly give it up and take May 25, 2006 as our "One More Day" as hard as it was.
May 25, 2006 was our "One More Day" that we had been praying so hard for, God gave it to us and we had to find a way to be thankful for that day. It was with utmost mixed emotions. But just as the song says in one of the verses that we would unplug the phone, keep the TV off, and just hold you every second and say a million I love you's. That is exactly what our "One More Day" was like-just like the song-it is so ironic. We never really knew the words to the song until after our "One More Day" had been granted.
And we think about one of his favorite songs, "I Believe I Can Fly" by R Kelly and his response to "What are things you want" question asked of Nicholas on April 19, 2006. Below is an excerpt of the June 19, 2006 journal about Nicholas' April 19 response along with other questions and his responses:
***Excerpt from June 19, 2006 Journal***
REFLECTION
Mom & dad used a "shooting star" (not falling star) analogy asking what do many of us say when a shooting star is seen? The common answer…see it again! Keeping with this analogy, we will see Nicholas again, again, again…because Nicholas lives in our hearts in so many different ways for most, if not, all of us. Because of all your beautiful thoughts and prayers, and "because you livvve son, my world has twice as many stars in the sky."
We then shared Nicholas' responses to questions a couple of months ago by a Stanford-LPCH social worker that was very engaged with Nicholas and mom & dad since March 31, 2005. The responses were generated by an open, free-flowing conversation that we were aware of. Following are some of the questions along with Nicholas' responses:
What makes you happy?
-Playing with my toys
-Drawing and painting pictures
-Writing, board games, and card games
-Playing with friends
-Easter egg hunts
What makes you sad?
-I do not get sad much
What are things that you want?
-Go to Disneyland and the Monterey Bay Aquarium again
-When things hurt, for mom & dad to fix it
-I like it when mom rocks me
-I like it when dad hugs me when I do not feel good
-Super powers: being fire, really strong, stretch real far
-To fly
Well, Nicholas is flying with amazing powers at God's side, in God's hands, and in God-speed… We realize these truths AND we miss Nicholas' physical presence so much.
***End of excerpt from June 19, 2006***
DWELLING ON GOD'S LOVE
We dwell on God's love and God's timing, as well as Nicholas, so while selfishly we absolutely would have wanted one more day with Nicholas (forever), we would not have wanted one more day for Nicholas to have to navigate what was in front of him at the time. Besides we dwell on God's love & timing and Nicholas is now at "Jesus' feet…" We trust Nicholas is experiencing his wants like being really strong (carrying others in amazing ways), stretching really far (to connect with us and others in amazing ways), and flying (just the way he likes)…
WORDS TO "ONE MORE DAY"
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
One more day
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
With you
Note: You can hear the song by placing "www.ladaisey.com/onemore.html" in your browser.
WORDS TO "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY" (from the movie, Space Jam)
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true Love
I'm leaning on the Everlasting Arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See, I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Oh, I believe I can fly
Hey, because I believe in You; oh
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly...(I can fly!)
(I can fly!)
Fly...
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Sunday, September 10, 2006 11:04 PM CDT
HOW WE ARE DOING
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (6)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
******NICHOLAS COLBY FUND PLANS ARE UNDERWAY TO SEND A CHILD AND FAMILY TO DISNEYLAND******
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Saturday, September 9, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
IT FEELS LIKE GOD IS SPEAKING TO US THROUGH HIS GREAT WORKS
Sitting at Nicholas' site and gazing at the sky…the beautiful blue sky with the sun's rays striking whispery clouds, that seemed to form wings, elicited an angelic sense and peace of mind. At least from a calming perspective for those moments. With the sun above the western hills of the Briones Regional Park behind Nicholas' site, the golden hills illuminated a sense of strength and softness as the golden waves of tall grass flowed from the breeze. (The southern hills can be seen in the third photo under "View Photos.")
The whispery clouds, the strength felt from the hills, and the glow of everything the sun's rays were touching left a feeling that again lets us know that Nicholas is lovingly secure in Heaven in all that is good. And nothing contrary to good could ever penetrate his surroundings or his "being."
Two songs came to mind as the breeze softly moved the dried grass on the surrounding hills and the hills, naturally, seen as pillars. As you read and think of the songs being sung, the words may remind you of many things that Nicholas enjoys:
1) What A Wonderful World
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do
They're really saying, I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Oh yeah...
2) America The Beautiful
Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America! God shed his grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea.
Oh beautiful, for pilgrims' feet
Whose stern, impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America! God mend thine ev'ry flaw;
Confirm thy soul in self control, thy liberty in law!
Oh beautiful, for heroes proved
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America! May God thy gold refine,
'Til all success be nobleness, and ev'ry gain divine!
Oh beautiful, for patriot's dream
That sees, beyond the years,
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America! God shed his grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea!
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Friday, September 8, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TALKING AND WALKING WITH GOD, AND WITH NICHOLAS
Talking and praying with Nicholas have become constant. We dwell on God's promises and as we think about the many times Nicholas asked things like, "Why doesn't God touch me and heal me now," we trust that Nicholas is now simply "playing and having fun" with God. Sometimes it is very hard to understand God's plan; however, it is not hard to understand His love so we first trust and believe. Understanding will come some day although we do understand that the many blessings along the way during Nicholas' physical life here has left the character of his life spiritually implanted in our hearts & souls for eternity.
To clarify, dwelling on the promises is trusting and believing that God has filled Nicholas with amazing love, perfection in all aspects of everything pure and good. And Nicholas absolutely deserves everything pure and good although it is hard to understand the journey he had to travel! What Nicholas "thinks" he needs he will find a way to earn it. Many of you know Nicholas, he is probably negotiating for something and that something is probably for someone else as much as for himself.
Talking and praying with Nicholas is very, very helpful to us. As we listen for his voice, for sensations of him, and for his messages we anticipate the joy they will bring to us…and yet Nicholas fills us with joy everyday because we knew him, we know him, we have him always & forever.
Nicholas, we LOVE you (and we know that you know that)!
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Thursday, September 7, 2006 11:43 PM CDT
HURTING "AND" RECEIVING BLESSINGS
Hurting continues to be deep in our stomachs and connects with our hearts in ways that leave us clinching our fists and tightening our bodies… We look at a picture of Nicholas and the sparkle in his eyes & warmth from his glowing personality, while seemingly would cause more pain, actually calms us to a degree. We reach out to Nicholas and sense our hands cradling his beautiful face. And we hold him close…
Tonight at Nicholas' site mom & dad arrived just about the same time after work. There was a family of deer prancing on the grounds, a Quail flying out of one of the pine trees on Nicholas' site and back to Nicholas' site. The moment seemed just right to reach out again to Nicholas and we asked, we asked Nicholas to let us know what he wants us to do and how he wants us to be moving forward. And, of course, we ask God for His guidance, as we keep thinking toward action on God's will for us not our will for ourselves.
Friends near and far once again were with us today and helping us along the way, thank you! And again, we realize through all of you that we are blessed…and so is Nicholas. "Nicholas, you feel your friends' providing blessings for your soul as well, right!" So today was an okay day although the hurt does not go away. "Nicholas, the hurt is only because we love you so, so much. And Nicholas, we "just know…" and we are comforted knowing that you are with God. You are with Jesus, "…enjoying Jesus, just sitting at His feet."
******PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR PLANS ABOUT NICHOLAS AND THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND "HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN" VIA DISNEYLAND******
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Wednesday, September 6, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
DISTRACTIONS ARE WHAT SOME SAY ARE NEEDED
Back at work keeping busy and the "distractions" that it generates is not enough to occupy our minds in a way that keeps us from the physical loss of Nicholas. Our other boys, our families, you-Nicholas' and our friends, who continually show up in our lives in the way that you do does help to occupy and fill our minds and hearts with love. And love felt, frees us to love. We feel love embracing everything around and within us and it feels so good.
We do not look for things to cover up or suppress what we are facing. We look for the help needed to keep us focused on God and His love that delivers, provides, cares for, and all the attributes of a mother, a father naturally provide. Being open to God's attributes generate more than we could possibly imagine. Honestly, more than we can possibly imagine is what we feel that we need-and we know that God will provide what we need.
Nicholas is not physically with us so we spend virtually all of our time "listening" and "sensing" in our home and business lives. "God-speed my love…in your soul as well as ours. We love you and are there!"
WARM, SUNNY, CALM EVENING
This evening was warm, sunny, and weather wise, calm. Greeting us at Nicholas' site today was a bouquet of Sun Flowers and a stuffed Spider-man figure. These things were alongside a double-butterfly figurine that was set out at Nicholas' site last week. Thank you! These things are so fitting for the everlasting, ever reaching, ever penetrating, warmth and gentleness that is Nicholas.
One of Nicholas' water guns and three of his action figures (Spider-man, Peter Pan, and a Power Ranger) were the toys and things enjoyed at his site this evening.
We felt the warmth of the sun today. We experienced the moon tonight. We call out God's name and just saying his name amazingly helps to soothe our hearts-the brightness of the sun and the twinkle of the moon & stars absolutely remind us of Nicholas. He is there!
******NICHOLAS LOVES DISNEYLAND…SENDING A CHILD TO DISNEYLAND IS ON THE HORIZON FOR NICHOLAS & THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND******
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Tuesday, September 5, 2006 11:21 PM CDT
LEARNING AND TEACHING
Nicholas was constantly learning and teaching. He knew two languages, English and Spanish, and was always learning from others as well as teaching others through his actions and behaviors. And his three brothers…Chris: one of our sons has graduated from college and is fulfilling a dream working in the professional sports industry; Tim: another son is entering college; and Matt: our other son is entering his senior year of high school. Well we should say four brothers because Jordan (you may remember Jordan from the Memorial Service) is like a fifth son of ours who has entered his senior year of high school.
Today we are talking about learning and teaching because Nicholas was and still is an amazing catalyst for our family toward learning…we saw the power and beauty of learning through Nicholas' interactions with friends of all ages-literally all ages Nicholas was able to engage…learn…and teach.
Thank you, Nicholas, for continually teaching us. We love you…always and forever-we "just know!"
PRAYERS FOR A FRIEND IN NEED
On our September 1, 2006 journal we specifically talked about three beautiful kids. One of them is Matthew and his CaringBridge site can be accessed via www.tsern.com. Please pray for:
1. The doctors and wisdom in finding a good path for Matthew
2. Clarity in the minds of Matthew's parents as they make important decisions
3. Matthew's strength for what he is about to embark upon
4. Matthew's sister, Megan, and what she has to experience next
5. All these beautiful kids…
6. Recognition of the blessings in all of our lives, even in the midst of what is unbearable by ourselves, as we acknowledge God's love and his omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence
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Monday, September 4, 2006 8:57 PM CDT
WHERE, WHEN, HOW, WHY
Where do we go from here when it appears our broken hearts will be broken forever? When will our hearts be at a point where we can give to others without having to tend to our hearts just to get by? How do we formulate all that naturally came together to parent-nurture and raise-when Nicholas is with God and relatively speaking we have raised our other boys to adulthood? As these questions come to mind, the fourth question most of us would be inclined to go to next is WHY…
Even as the where, when, and how questions come to mind what surfaces for each seems to answer those questions in terms of where we go from here, in terms of when our hearts will be at a point to "more" than get by, in terms of how we parent even at the current stages of our other boys' lives. Actually, what surfaces are not answers but direction-through God.
Our natural gravitation when faced with questions is to God-love and spirit-that forever has provided and guided us even in the midst of worry…even when we did not know what to do to get by…even when we were not sure what to do next to be the mother & father Nicholas (as well as our other boys) needed. All of these questions are not answered in moments of thought. They are not answered in a single journal. They are not answered in a single day and perhaps not in a week, a month, or even a year. However, what comes over us is trusting and believing God to get us where He wants us to be, when He wants us to be there, how He wants us to be along the way, and the answers of why will come where, when, and how He desires because He knows…
As we talk about "He knows" referring to God, we again are so grateful for the conversations we always had with Nicholas letting all of us know that Nicholas "just knows" no matter what, no matter the time…place…or space…that WE just know that we would be in each other's hearts and souls. Even now! "Yes Nicholas, we feel you baby and there, there is another feeling of love for you."
God's masterpiece is created in God-speed so we will continually trust and believe His omnipotence, omniscience, and be so grateful for His omnipresence rendering us a constant parent shepherding us along the way.
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Sunday, September 3, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
HOW WE ARE DOING - we are so thankful for the continued "smiling" relative to the first 4 views below.
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, September 2, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ONE MIGHT THINK IT "DIFFERENT" … DINNER WITH NICHOLAS' DOCTOR. However, relative to doing things aligned with love begetting love is the difference in our lives enabling our hearts to beat and our soul to continuously move closer and closer to God. In loving and spreading love, we are closer and closer to Nicholas. And in loving and spreading love, we sense Nicholas smiling because as most of you know…Nicholas has always been and IS STILL all about love.
Dinner and conversation was very comforting…we say it again, we have been so blessed every step of the way during Nicholas' journey and even now as the story continues.
VISIT TO STANFORD-LUCILE PACKARD CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL after dinner was another way for us to express our affection for the medical staff. We brought them a snack basket; I guess I should say snack BASKET because we brought a very large basket to hold snacks for the night staff and tomorrow morning's staff.
RELATIONSHIPS…from dinner with Nicholas' doctor to a visit with the staff at the hospital. What made it "okay" for us to visit where Nicholas took his last breath on earth 100 days ago is the relationship that Nicholas and mom & dad enjoy with the staff that can never ever fail. It cannot fail because it has been built on love, love that is authentic and rooted through God. Amazing…God is "providing" for us in ways that one might think it "different" and ways that He knows we need. We are blessed because of God, so we trust and believe that Nicholas is loved in amazing ways & "playing and having fun." We are so grateful to have God with Nicholas and God in our lives.
Referring to last night's journal, please pray with us for Matthew and his family. And pray with us for Cam's family as well as all these beautiful kids…
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Friday, September 1, 2006 11:51 PM CDT
ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS
We often talk about all these beautiful kids and you may remember a picture of Nicholas with two other bone marrow transplant patients, with their arms around each other at the Ronald McDonald House. The two are KJ and Jacob-you could see the picture of the three again by accessing the third album (Day 132 leading to BMT and current pictures) below under Links and scrolling to June 27, 2005. Jacob is on the right and he could use your prayers as well. Jacob's site is www.whatsupwithjacob.org
And Matthew, another beautiful kid who received a bone marrow transplant could use your prayers as well. Like Jacob's parents, Matthew's parents were (and are) so wonderful to Nicholas and Sheila & me. Matthew's site is www.tsern.com
A child we have not talked about on Nicholas' journal is another beautiful kid to pray for. His name is Cam and at a different time he was undergoing the same drug at The Children's Hospital-Denver that Nicholas did when Nicholas was in Denver. Sheila came across Cam's site a couple of months ago and shortly after that the Nicholas Colby Fund offered to help his father out with an airline ticket to St. Jude Hospital during a very trying time medically for Cam. Cam is now back at The Children's Hospital-Denver and could use your prayers as well. Cam's site is www.caringbridge.org/ct/camdalene
DIFFICULT DAY
Today has been very difficult for no specific reason…missing Nicholas and so thankful that God allows us to love in a way that while missing Nicholas we can experience Nicholas' love. And difficult as we check in on Jacob, Matthew, and Cam.
DINNER WITH NICHOLAS' TRANSPLANT DOCTOR
Tomorrow night (Saturday) Sheila and I are having dinner at the home of Nicholas' transplant doctor. You may remember previous journals where we talked about the amazing balance that Nicholas' transplant doctor consistently had with Nicholas, Sheila, and me from a medical and "people" perspective. She has always been so comforting to us, even during very difficult times. (Again, we have been blessed with Nicholas' doctors as stated in previous journals: Nicholas' doctors at all three hospitals have been and are warmly, professionally, and amazingly special to us.) Remember, Nicholas' transplant doctor took Nicholas to his first movie at a theater since his bone marrow transplant. Please refer to the December 4, 2005 journal that shared the movie date.
PRAYING AND LOVING…
Thursday, August 31, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
HELP COMES IN A VARIETY OF WAYS
Last night's journal included several sources of messages that provide directional help, as "the story continues." And tonight, help came through DVDs received from The Children's Hospital-Denver. "A Dad's Journey Through Grief" and "Grieving and Hope." Both were provided with the hope of lessening the isolation that can be felt by parents who have had a child pass…isolation from the world of non-bereaved parents…isolation from family…isolation from friends. The lessons are reminders and reinforces that we, parents, are not alone in our struggles to move forward toward a "new normal."
During Nicholas' leukemia journey and now, as the story continues, we often talked about what was so very present in helping to make Nicholas' life and our lives "lively" in the face of what could have soured our spirits and zest for life. God and His blessing Nicholas' life and our lives with you-directly and indirectly-in our lives kindling love enabling us to realize more and more that love begets love. God has always been with us and just the mention of His name provides something felt, warmth & comfort, which calms our hearts from "racing" and soothes our spirits allowing them to purposefully "float." Seemingly, the calming and soothing is so that we are one with Nicholas, one with our family, and all because we solidify our oneness with God.
Thanks continues to be the real word that expresses appreciation, love, and the benefit of joy because of God and God providing you in our lives the ways that you have been and are…
As we call out to God throughout each day, we also call out to Nicholas so that he will ALWAYS know that he is "Never gone, never far, in our hearts and souls is where you are…always close, everyday, every moment in every way." And son, "as we talked about and know through God, we just know that we are in each other's soul…always close, never far…we are together trusting God because He is God and He loves you, your brothers, us, your family and your friends!" (Words to the song "Never Gone" are on the July 27, 2006 journal.)
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006 11:48 PM CDT
COUNSELORS, BOOKS, STORIES…ABOUT GRIEVING have messages to help cope, understand, live… And yet coping, understanding, living… seems to be unpredictable in so many ways. Although it has only been / or has been 97 days since Nicholas passed, missing Nicholas so much easily turns into anguish. The anguish sometimes is momentary and sometimes we are so brokenhearted that the moments are monumental.
Sometimes the sadness opens up to the memories and moments of love helping us to keep moving forward. Sometimes the sadness leaves us in tears opening up to crying. We do not know how the moments to come will be, nor do any of us-really--relative to life seemingly when life is good… without reason to grieve, without the loss of a child.
LIFE IS NOT FAIR, HOWEVER, LIFE IS NOT EVIL-we have so many memories and moments today wherein Nicholas still warms our hearts in ways that will last a lifetime as monumental as we can imagine and with every moment we hope for.
Just today as dad walked to work passing San Francisco City Hall, the sweetness of Nicholas' "being" and the motion of his "ways" from about three years ago warmed dad's heart and life. The memory was of Nicholas LIVING life and giving love to all around him that he knew and came to know. What a blessing from Heaven then and now for us to be able to reflect on those moments about three years ago when Nicholas' Montessori school class rode BART from Lafayette to San Francisco to visit City Hall. Mom was with the class on the field trip and dad (working just a couple blocks away) joined Nicholas, mom, and the class for a few moments of the City Hall tour and for every moment of the lunch in the park.
What a blessing just a moment can be…
What a blessing Nicholas continues to be…
What a legacy Nicholas is leaving and building through the Nicholas Colby Fund…so the story continues.
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006 11:55 PM CDT
ALWAYS LIKE THE DEEP, BEAUTIFUL LOVE FOR A BABY
The last month of Nicholas' life he talked about wanting us to always be able to hold him and carry him like a baby. He wanted to stay small so that we could always do just that (although we told him we always would…no matter what). We do, Nicholas, every day and every moment you are in our arms with our hearts lovingly beating with passion & excitement feeling your beautiful, perfect love illuminating from our every thought about you!
Note: Following is an excerpt from the May 27, 2006 journal speaking about holding, patting, rocking, and loving Nicholas:
"And Nicholas,
-We hold you just the way you like...
-We pat you just the way you like...
-We rock you just the way you like...
-We love looking at you just the way we like...
-We love listening to you just the way we like...
-We love touching you just the way we like...
-We love the flavor of your love and its aroma that is still in our lives...
-We love the flavor of your love that we still taste in every part of our lives...
-And Nicholas, because of you, loving you in every way instantly evokes the radiant love of God flowing within and around your spirit illuminating our lives so deeply that although we do not have a dark place in our bodies or minds-because of God, because of you-we so dearly miss the physical touch of your sunshine in so many ways...and then we feel you in more than so many ways...thank you, son, for being our son and loving us in every single way!"
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Monday, August 28, 2006 11:51 PM CDT
CARRYING ON IS, JUST, DIFFICULT!
THIS EVENING THE BREEZE DID WONDERS IN MANY WAYS
This evening at Nicholas' site we flew a kite as the breeze not only lifted it into the air, the breeze also brought a refreshing sensation to our faces that momentarily lifted our spirits a little bit higher thinking about Nicholas and his touch. We understand that a "new normal" is now the fabric of our lives…but weaving our lives around this "new normal" does not happen just because we recognize it is now the landscape for our lives.
So like a breeze that provides warmth as well as cool moments, "time" delivers to us moments of peace as well as moments of some grief. Like we did during Nicholas' journey, trusting and believing God's love for us will provide the "right" moments and transitions. And always, always remembering and loving Nicholas for his love along with our love of/and for our other boys will fulfill us. The transition is, just, difficult!
PRAYERS FOR "ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL KIDS"
There are several kids navigating some awful medical conditions…prayer for "all these beautiful kids" will reach them and their parents in many ways. Please pray with us for all of them-God knows who they are and we know that parents find strength as well as some comfort to their hearts feeling the love and care indirectly received.
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Sunday, August 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
HOW WE ARE DOING
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
LAKE TAHOE-THINKING ABOUT NICHOLAS AND OUR OTHER THREE BOYS
Being a way for a few days was refreshing; however, it seemed like that long-standing debate about "the glass being half empty or half full." We say this because it was nice to be away and RELAX, and at times being at rest was difficult because our hearts were not at rest…seemingly very tight although we continually move forward knowing Nicholas is loved by God and Nicholas wants us to be okay. Reflecting, sometimes when we would ask Nicholas how he was doing, he would say, "I'm O-KAY" in a reassuring and playful tone.
NICHOLAS WAS NEVER FAR FROM OUR MINDS AS WE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW WE NEED TO BE WITH OUR OTHER BOYS AS WELL.
Following are a few things about Nicholas over the last few days, in reverse order:
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Row boating on Lake Tahoe thinking about the times we were here with our other three boys. And as we were letting our hearts drift in harmony about all of our boys, mom placed her right hand into the water letting her Na Hoku ring splash in the water for Nicholas (if you do not remember the story about this ring, please refer to the August 18, 2006 journal).
Arriving back into Lafayette we first stopped at Nicholas' site. Another surprise as someone had left white roses, and a dolphin necklace placed on the adjacent wing of a cherub figure that already had a Hawaiian lei on the other wing. And there was a baseball left. (Coincidently, we play waffle-ball at Nicholas site every few days alternating with basketball using his Harlem globetrotter's ball, sword fighting, along with other things, and most importantly prayer and thanks for blessings realized everyday).
Gone just two nights but we were never gone from each other's soul…and what a beautiful, peaceful homecoming at his site as we got back into Lafayette. The air was still, the sounds serene and "playful." As most of you know, Nicholas loves to collect rocks. Mom brought three from Lake Tahoe, including one that was heart shaped. Dad brought reflections of the past few days including the rowboat sensations trusting Nicholas already enjoyed them with us as we were rowing "and having fun." Sitting at the bench on his site, hearing kids in the distance, planes above high, birds chirping as they are passing, and the wind chime softly chiming blends beauty of the world...we trust God and believe His word so we, again, are assured that Nicholas is more than okay…he is in Heaven!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
A bike ride along the lake and relaxing at the beach…while relaxing on the beach butterflies casually "danced" by (so it seemed by their movement) as we pondered the past, today, and our tomorrows. And yes, we both slept on the beach.
Friday, August 25, 2006
At Nicholas' site before we left for Lake Tahoe. At 12:52 PM (thinking about 3 months ago today) a hummingbird floated by and hovered over a flower at Nicholas' site. Then a monarch butterfly drifted by followed by several hawks soaring over Nicholas' site and the canyon of Briones Regional Park. (The hawks are always soaring around the site and it is very majestic.) And a white "wish" floated by. (You know those white fuzzy things that have lots of tiny seeds looks like a sphere; we call them a "wish" because kids seem to always blow them to make a wish and it was a favorite thing for Nicholas to do.)
At Lake Tahoe. The silvery-blue filter backdrop of the surrounding shadowy mountains and serene-muted sky was simply harmonious and majestic as the lake glistened. The crashing of the waves joined in to complete the harmonious setting, so we thought. And then a momma duck and 2 little ducklings floated by before coming ashore and walking at our feet. This completed the harmonious setting as the momma sat looking across the lake at the reflection of the sun against the water...the 2 little ducklings were adventurous checking everything out seemingly "playing and having fun."
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Thursday, August 24, 2006 11:32 PM CDT
GONE FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS
Sheila and I are planning to be gone for a couple nights beginning tomorrow, returning Sunday evening. We will be at Nicholas's site tomorrow morning and again Sunday evening so Saturday will mark the first day that we will have been away from the Oakmont site. Through God we trust that Nicholas is with us everywhere that we are and that through God Nicholas always knows and feels our love. (Tomorrow, Friday, marks 3 months since May 25, 2006) Remember Nicholas is "…Never gone, never far. In my heart is where you are. Always close, everyday…"
Thank you for your prayers for Nicholas and being with us in the ways that you have been. We welcome your continued Guestbook entries even while we will be away for a couple of nights because we will be able to view them (although we may not be able to post a journal entry until Sunday night). And on Sunday we will be back with you and collectively "the story continues."
A FEW GIFTS OF LOVE ABOUT NICHOLAS
Following is a recap of a few things given to us about Nicholas. As we recap the items we realized that there is a common flavor about children making us think about the Nicholas Colby Fund's tagline, "Helping Children Be Children."
- PEWTER CROSS PLACED OVER NICHOLAS' OAKMONT SITE: And written on the cross is "Defend oh Lord this child with Thy Heavenly Grace that he may continue Thine forever."
- CHILD SCULPTURE PLACED AT NICHOLAS' OAKMONT SITE: Almost like a silhouette in terms of an outline without specific features (angelic appearance), holding a metal bar that extends up curving into a circle with the word, "HOPE," encircled.
- SAINT NICHOLAS PIN & CARD: With the card reading, "God, Our Father, we pray that through the intercession (prayer) of St. Nicholas you will protect our children. Keep them safe from harm and help them grow and become worthy of Your sight. Give them strength to keep their faith in You, and to keep alive their joy in Your creation. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." (The name "Santa Claus" originated from St. Nicholas and St. Nicholas is the patron of children.)
- CARD WITH PICTURE OF THE "PIETA" BY MICHELANGELO
This card was given to us reading, "The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass will be offered for the repose (resting) of the soul of our darling Nicholas." For those of you who were physically present with us at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital on May 25, 2006, you may remember us holding Nicholas in our arms for a long period of time after he passed. This card had special meaning to the giver of the card because they said as we were holding Nicholas it reminded them of Michelangelo's "Pieta."
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
DIFFICULT WEEK
While we are truly glad to take action on "Helping Children Be Children," at the beginning, middle, and end of each day Nicholas is physically not with us and it hurts so, so much. Yes, we do, we really do, feel and sense Nicholas in virtually every thought throughout each moment of the day. Yes, we trust God's love and perfect care for Nicholas as well as all of us who love Him. But this week, almost as much as the first week after Nicholas passed, has been a very difficult week for mom & dad.
We open our arms, hearts, and soul to God welcoming Him in on every aspect of our lives. And we really want Nicholas to see and feel that we are okay because Nicholas never wanted to see us sad.
Remember the night Nicholas was diagnosed and mom started to cry? Following is part of that night's recap as Nicholas' rays of sunshine came through even during that devastating moment although he was not sure what it all meant: "As mom and dad cling to Nicholas and with every emotion swirling, all attempts of focus gave way to crying for mom and dad tightly holding on-Nicholas reaches to mom, touches her, and says 'don't worry about me, I'll be alright.'" (November 19, 2004 journal)
Along with not wanting us to be sad, Nicholas' love for God was so beautiful throughout the ups and downs. Remember the many times Nicholas kept God as his "rock"? Following is an example: "'Daddy, I know God loves me and he is taking care of me. But daddy, I want the healing to be real, right now, please. Will He do it?' This was one of many conversations Nicholas shared with mom & dad throughout the day. Literally, throughout the day Nicholas would stop and say, 'Will you read some more of the Bible to me?' We read from The Children's Bible and the Bible." (November 7, 2005 journal)
You know, understanding all of the above, we just miss Nicholas! Sometimes, it seems like Nicholas being gone is just temporary…we expect to physically see him, physically interacting with him, and enjoying the love that always radiates from Nicholas…
BUT GOD IS GOD AND WE TRUST & BELIEVE...
And now, like so many times, we continue to lean on God for His help, for His love, for His everything. We cannot do this by ourselves!
So now as we prepare for bed, we continue prayers thanking God for His love and the many blessings Nicholas received along the way. And we are thankful for the words of the song, "Never Gone," that are shared on the July 27, 2006 journal along with the song, "If You Could See Me Now," that is shared on the July 31, 2006 journal. We do feel and sense Nicholas' touch and love radiating within and around us. It always will because nothing can stop the love that God generates! We trust and believe...as we lean completely on God this understanding should consume our thinking and help us along the way.
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 11:09 PM CDT
QUOTES ABOUT NICHOLAS AND THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND® "HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN"
Linking back to the August 16, 2006 and August 10, 2006 journal entries, following are a few quotes about the Nicholas Colby Fund's first event. Remember, the Fund's tag line is "Helping Children Be Children!"
5 families from Children's Hospital Oakland enjoyed the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus in a suite secured for the Nicholas Colby Fund:
- A mom of one of the patients who went to the circus as a Nicholas Colby Fund guest said, "I was very moved by how well taken care of we were."
- " People were very attentive, they took us to the elevator, showed us where the suite was for all of us. At the end of the night I told someone we couldn't get on the crowded elevator because the children had cancer and they made sure we rode an elevator by ourselves."
- The following quote is about Irving, one of the patients who got to experience a circus for the first time. "Irving got so distracted by the show that he forgot his pain and forgot to go the bathroom." (Which for him is quite an ordeal, said a social worker)
- "He got lost in the fantasy of the evening and all of the pain disappeared"
- The social worker that helped us get tickets to the patients/families said the following about her letting one of the mothers know the tag line (motto) of the Nicholas Colby Fund, "Helping Children Be Children!" "When I told her your motto she said, "Well, they obtained their objective!"
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Monday, August 21, 2006 11:39 PM CDT
NICHOLAS, NICHOLAS, NICHOLAS, NICHOLAS, NICHOLAS, NICHOLAS
We thank God for Nicholas, Chris, Tim, Matt and His love enabling us to choose how we live. And we thank God for his blessing everyday as we choose to live loving God.
LISTENING. Not just just to others, also listening outside to the sounds of our surroundings: wind blowing through leaves, pine needles, and/or branches of trees, through plants, wind chimes...
LOOKING. Not just at others but to things outside around us. Gaze for a period of time and what do you see? We imagine you will see things not first noticed.
REFLECTING. We spend a lot of time reflecting, listening and looking to/at what is around us. We reflect and are happy to feel & know God's love and Nicholas' love & happiness. We reflect and sometimes sadness overcomes our forward thinking...we will never, ever forget all the physical beauty Nicholas brought into our lives and, no question, into this world. Physical not limited to what we have seen...including what we feel and know more than before that Nicholas' angelic ways were truly gifts of love that can never, ever be taken away. We constantly listen and look for Nicholas' whisper, his words, his laugh, his touch…
And, our forward thinking is rooted in Nicholas because his gifts...we believe from what we have experienced, heard, and seen...are gifts of love to beget love. We listen, look, and love because love seems to be the breath of life and there are examples of its purity and perfection all around us.
We miss you, Nicholas; we love you, Nicholas; we are full of love because of you, Nicholas; and our lives are better because of you, Nicholas and all these beautiful kids navigating terrible ups & downs in their lives. And amazingly you and these kids show all of us that love does not diminish life...it gives life in ways we sometimes do not seem to listen for, look to, or reflect on so that we, too, can become "better" tomorrow than we are today.
"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE HAS ENDED FOR NOW
The Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares have just demonstrated love and support in a beautiful, caring way. It is especially pleasing because of Nicholas' passion for the Warriors and Thunder (their mascot). In a few days we should receive an update about the auction they just put on for the Nicholas Colby Fund, raising $920.00.
Although we will, certainly, personally thank The Warriors, if you would like to express your appreciation for their support of Nicholas before, during his journey, and now, please address your correspondence to:
1) Robert Rowell
2) Neda Barrie and Jo-Marie Garber
Golden State Warriors
Warriors Executive Office
1011 Broadway
Oakland, CA 94607
3) Christopher Cohan
Warriors Foundation
Golden State Warriors
1011 Broadway
Oakland, CA 94607
4) NBA Cares
The National Basketball Association
645 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York 10022
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Sunday, August 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ONLY A FEW HOURS REMAINING:
"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction is scheduled to close tomorrow night at 5:00 PM (Monday).
BEAUTIFUL DAY IN MANY WAYS-GOD REALLY IS GOOD
Our wedding anniversary…one of Nicholas' favorite spots…and family dinner made for a beautiful day. Sheila and I were in San Francisco today for our wedding anniversary…brunch at Hotel Nikko for KKSF radio's Smooth Jazz Sunday Brunch. Hotel "Nikko!"
After brunch we drove out to the Pacific Ocean and parked along Ocean Beach, a few miles south of the Cliff House. We drove to the spot Nicholas enjoyed on January 30, 2005, a few months before his bone marrow transplant. Remember, Nicholas loves the ocean, the waves, the birds, the breeze, the sky, and the beautiful sunsets at the ocean. Please access the first album (titled "Few months before diagnosis to day 79") below under links and go to the last few pictures with Nicholas in a red shirt…and you will see an awesome sunset with Nicholas & mom revealing love!
After spending time at the beach, we drove back to Lafayette and relaxed for a while at Nicholas' site. The sky, breeze, and everything about life were simply beautiful today…and our hearts were full of beautiful thoughts of Nicholas and beautiful thoughts spiritually connected "with" Nicholas. And because Nicholas and dad had always talked about "knowing" that we would forever feel each other in our hearts and souls…we just know that Nicholas is with mom, dad, his brothers, his grandparents, his uncles, aunts, cousins, schoolmates, school teachers, friends, and all of you who continue to be directly and indirectly in our lives. And we are all in Nicholas' soul. Love creates beautiful days…
Remember the book, "The Next Place," that we read to Nicholas on May 25, 2006? Following are some of the warm, touching words from the book that is shared on the May 26, 2006 journal:
"…I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one, and the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun.
"I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
"All these good things will go with me. They will make my spirit glow. And that light will shine forever in the next place that I go."
And for dinner, well we had one of Nicholas' favorite meals as well as a favorite of our other sons. As we write about dinner we realize that the significance here is just that we were sitting down together.
SURPRISE
This evening we were surprised by something left on our front porch near one of Nicholas "hand prints." The surprise was colorful blocks joined together with letters on each spelling out: B E L I E V E. And connected to the blocks, above, on a ceramic sheet is a statement reading: "things happen for a reason." So while we physically miss Nicholas so, so much…he is loved, he is with God, he is perfect, he is pure, and he is surrounded by everything good. We trust that things happen for a reason…and because of God we do believe…
HOW WE ARE DOING
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, August 19, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
2 DAYS REMAINING:
"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction is coming to a close.
LIFE
It seems like everything in life, well at least the perception that the prevailing pattern of thought tries to create, is measured in terms of quantity with a flavor of competition. Things like having the most of something, going the farthest…, doing more of something, etc.
And then along comes something "out of the mouths of babes" or something simply done by someone…a child, an adult, or a person anywhere at anytime. You know where this is going so I will simply recap in two quotes.
- One quote by someone new to Nicholas who came across Nicholas' CaringBridge site sometime before or around the time Nicholas passed: "…his seemed a life short of nothing but time…"
- And one quote from someone who has known Sheila and me for a long time…met Nicholas during the journey spending a few moments with Nicholas at the Lafayette Reservoir along with several other colleagues: "…life is measured by the quality, not quantity."
God blessed Nicholas with quality neighbors, friends, schoolmates, schoolteachers & staff and so many people and experiences throughout his life. Nicholas said things and did things that even today enhances our lives-and we hope your lives too because through God and so many of you, Nicholas' life was one of love every step of the way. Nicholas' life was born from love generating unquestioned quality. So we are comforted knowing that Nicholas' life was short of nothing but time!
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Friday, August 18, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
3 DAYS REMAINING:
"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction is coming to a close.
SINGING, DANCING AND THINKING
You know, Nicholas loved when we carried him and held him close. He loved, just as much, to hold us close and pat our backs as we patted his. Like many kids as well as adults, Nicholas loved to sing and dance.
Singing was to songs on CDs or TV/Movie theme songs. Dancing, Nicholas loved to dance at musical beats heard in his ears or his heart.
MESSAGE FROM KJ
You remember KJ, Nicholas' Ronald McDonald House buddy who became our family friend, he was a big influence on Nicholas enjoying music and dancing even more.
Guess what, early this month KJ won a championship in a USA and World competition for dancing. Here is what KJ shared with Sheila and me after the competition. "During the World Championships, when we were about to go on stage, our crew said a team prayer, lead by myself. One of our dancers, Dariane, lost her father (Ramone) last December (he was killed), so we said a prayer in honor of him. And when I led the prayer, I said, 'we dedicate this dance to Ramone and Nicholas.'"
"When I went back on stage to get the gold medal, I pointed up to God and Nicholas. I dedicated my gold medal to Nicholas that night. Nicholas will always be in my heart forever. Because he told me, 'he wanted to dance like me.'"
DANCING WITH NICHOLAS TODAY
So today, like mostly everyday with Nicholas, at his site looking over the Briones Regional Park and up at the sun…I closed my eyes, opened my arms welcoming Nicholas in. I then began to think of two of Nicholas' favorite songs: "Dance With My Father" by Luther Vandross, and "Step In The Name Of Love" by R Kelly.
As I thought about the lyrics from those songs I let what I was hearing and feeling in my heart guide my motion…my motion and emotions of embracing Nicholas and then dancing with him. It felt so good and through Nicholas-even now-a smile and love came over me in ways that only Nicholas…because of God…could generate. Today was a good day.
Following are excerpts of the two songs:
"Dance With My Father" by Luther Vandross
Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure, I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again…
"Step In The Name Of Love" by R Kelly
(Oh, how Nicholas loved to sing the following part of this song!)
Step, step, side to side
Round and round, dip it down
Separate, bring it back
Now let me see you do the love slide…
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Friday, August 18, 2006 2:15 AM CDT
4 DAYS REMAINING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction is coming to a close.
LOVING MESSAGE FROM NICHOLAS?
Looking north from Nicholas' Oakmont site this morning there were 3 formation of clouds near the horizon:
CLOUD ON THE LEFT - I could not determine a clear figure for this cloud, however, it resembled a fire burst shooting upward or a fireworks display shooting upward.
CLOUD IN THE MIDDLE - Stunningly, the shape was a right hand with all fingers and a thumb, seemingly giving a soft high-five, a gentle wave hello, and/or message to "be still and calm" because I am okay.
CLOUD ON THE RIGHT - This cloud was shocking. It had the crisp shape of a butterfly and Nicholas enjoyed butterflies. (A few years ago Nicholas "raised" butterflies from the larvae stage on up to the beautiful butterfly stage in a butterfly container...to their release. A picture of Nicholas releasing one can be seen on the Video Tribute that will be on the Nicholas Colby Fund site-we will let you know on this CaringBridge site when it can be experienced again via a link on the Fund's site.)
We have seen what we have seen, we feel what we feel, we love God and Nicholas trusting Nicholas and God will love us in an array of ways...love begets love and will manifest love in our lives, our hearts, and our souls. So maybe this was love finding another way to embrace us.
HOKU AND A RING FOR MOM
(Remember, Hoku was the name of the dolphin Nicholas experienced during our December 15 - 22, 2006 trip to Hawaii. Please refer to the December 16, 2005 journal that is imbedded under the December 22 heading. Also, you can see Nicholas with Hoku December 19, 2005 on the third album below under Links.)
This past Mother's Day in Denver, two of our other three boys joined us in Denver for Mother's Day. We talked with Nicholas about a gift to select for Sheila and the other boys and I purchased a purse to compliment other items she already has. When Sheila opened the gift, Nicholas' expression was crystal clear…he did not like the gift we selected. Sheila asked Nicholas if he wanted her to take the gift back, and he said, "yes, you should take it back." Sheila had seen this beautiful ring from the Hawaiian Jeweler, Na Hoku, and had wanted to get it since our trip to Oahu for Nicholas' Make-A-Wish trip. So, she asked him if he wanted her to go and pick up that ring and he said, "yes."
Last night Sheila went to a mall that happened to have that same jeweler and picked up the ring. She felt an instant connection to Nicholas when she put on. Today she decided to look up some information on their website, without knowing their story beforehand, and found it so amazing and powerful how so many things linked together-It was meant for her to get that ring!
"The Na Hoku Story
"Na Hoku is Hawaiian for "stars". Once used by voyaging Polynesians as guides on their journeys throughout the Pacific. Today, Na Hoku is your guide to the essence of Hawaiian and Island Lifestyle captured in our collection of fine jewelry. Those who wear them will themselves glitter and shine for all to admire.
"Exotic. Tropical. Elegant. Na Hoku jewelry is designed to accent the individuality, taste and style of the woman who wears it. Every piece in our collection is a link to a moment in time, an intimate memory, or secret desire."
This is amazing because of the various connections: Nicholas loved Hawaii before and after his diagnosis; Nicholas loved dolphins; it was common for us to use star synonymously with Nicholas before and after the diagnosis; the name of the dolphin our family swam with in Oahu is Hoku and Hoku means star…
How fitting. Aside from our natural links with Nicholas, from our perspective the story of Na Hoku provides a clear link to Nicholas. And this morning's messages in the clouds seem so appropriate coupled with the Na Hoku story Sheila learned today.
Thank you, Nicholas-we love you…(and mommy loves her ring)!
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS AND THE NICHOLAS COLBY FUND'S FIRST EVENT
Referring to last Thursday's journal (August 10), the Nicholas Colby Fund's first event takes place tomorrow night at the Oakland Coliseum when 5 families from Children's Hospital Oakland will enjoy the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus in a suite secured for the Nicholas Colby Fund. Although the non-profit status has been secured and other business aspects of the Nicholas Colby Fund are being completed, the opportunity toward "Helping Children Be Children" now was determined so that is just what the Fund is doing.
As stated last week, "Nicholas, truly, was happy to help others and he is still doing just that so while nothing compares to God's graces that surrounds him today, Nicholas must be smiling knowing that he is helping to put smiles on the faces of others. As one CHO representative said, "…this will be sooo wonderful for these families-truly an opportunity they would not otherwise have."
More information will soon be shared about an Oakland Coliseum suite secured for the Nicholas Colby Fund and other events at the Coliseum, "Helping Children Be Children."
Also, stay tuned to hear about a SPECIAL WHEELCHAIR secured by the Nicholas Colby Fund that is helping a person enjoy his passion.
LOGO: The Nicholas Colby Fund logo has been under development and should be ready to be unveiled by September 1, 2006.
THANK YOU LETTERS: Gina Baker, Sheila, me, and the Nicholas Colby Fund are more than thankful for the love and care expressed through donations to the Nicholas Colby Fund! I say more than thankful because your support is truly "Helping Children Be Children." Thank You letters will lovingly be prepared and sent with the Nicholas Colby Fund logo. We think you will feel Nicholas' touch softly expressed through the logo generating a sense of spirituality, creativity, and hope.
NICHOLAS COLBY FUND WEBSITE: Please understand that while the foundation/frame/platform of the new website is in place thanks to another dear friend Reda Athanasios, his company Learning Technology Partners, and Luigi DiGrande, there has been an emotional element Sheila and I are navigating until we are ready to transition to the new site. Of course, having the logo is one of the developing business steps and that step should be completed by September 1. Most likely it will be a gradual transition from CaringBridge and we will, certainly, keep all of you informed through the CaringBridge site. Please stay with us because your direct and indirect presence (including Guestbook entries) is lovingly helping us along the way relative to our sweet Nicholas, and is providing a level of comfort helping us to be positioned to "Helping Children Be Children" through Nicholas.
5 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' FAVORITES
Capturing and maintaining a list of favorite things Sheila and our boys like has been a way to track what they like on a variety of topics. Following is the last list of Nicholas' favorites. Of course, as you are listening to Nicholas' Song-Of Love, playing in the background on the Home Page, you will hear other things that are his favorites (words to the song are on the September 7, 2005 journal).
APPETIZERS:
California rolls (crab, avocado, sea weed, and rice)
Carrots and ranch dressing
Chicken noodle soup
Chips & salsa
Crab cakes
Meatballs
Miso soup with tofu
SALADS:
Hearts of Romaine with tomatoes and thousand-island dressing (homemade with eggs)
FRUIT:
Peaches
Pineapples
VEGETABLES:
Edamame
Green beans
Corn on the cob
ENTREES:
Shrimp tempura
Chicken teriyaki
Salmon
Shrimp fried rice
Spaghetti
DESSERTS:
Maple oat scones (from Starbucks)
Maple nut ice cream
Mint chocolate chip ice cream
Strawberry ice cream
Vanilla ice cream
Lollypops
DRINKS:
Orange mango Nantucket
Martinelli's sparkling apple juice
Limonata
Ginger ale
Root beer
Hot chocolate
COLORS:
Blue
Red
Yellow
Orange
Green
Purple
MUSIC/SONGS:
Disney (Like "Because You Live" by Jesse McCartney, "It's A Small World After All," and theme songs from shows on Disney, Nichelodeon, and Toon Town channels)
R&B ("Step In The Name Of Love" by R Kelly, "Lets Get It Started" by Black Eyed Peas, "Dance With My Father" by Luther Vandross...)
Christmas
TYPES OF MOVIES:
Comedy
Disney
"How The Grinch Stole Christmas"
"Space Jam"
"Spider-Man 1" and "Spider-Man 2"
"Mulan I" and "Mulan II"
"Spy-Kid" (all of them)
"Scooby-Doo" (all of them)
"Snow Dogs"
TV SHOWS:
Disney's "That's So Raven"
Disney's "Proud Family"
Disney's "Phil of the Future"
Disney's "Sister, Sister"
Toon Towns "Camp Lazlo"
Food Channel's "Rachel Ray" (He was hooked when mom & Nicholas watched Rachel Ray's "$40 a Day" program, when she went to Oahu, Hawaii on that particular show and took her first surf lesson.)
GAMES:
Play Station 2 (PS2-and "all" of the games starting with these: Loved them all, however, the following he played the most: Spider-Man II, NBA Street, Matrix, Jimmy Neutron-Attack of the Twonkies, King Kong, Nick Toons Unite... Narnia was the last one Nicholas played.)
Monopoly Jr.
Candy Land
Hi Ho Cherry O
Sorry
Whonu
Go Fish (card game)
Slap Jack (card game)
Wig Out (card game)
TOYS:
Action Figures: Power Rangers, Spider-Man, Peter Pan...
Stuffed Animals/Characters: Bears, Dolphins, Dogs (he liked black Labradors), Thunder from the Golden State Warriors...you name it and it is probably on his bed
BOOKS: (Nicholas loved to read all the time)
Mickey's Haunted Mansion
I Want To Be Somebody New
The Children's Bible
(All Children's books)
And now we trust that a favorite book is "The Next Place" that we read to Nicholas on May 25, 2006 (please refer to the May 26, 2006 journal about this book).
SEASON:
(All of them: winter, spring, summer, and fall)
WEATHER:
Sunny
Rainy days (Nicholas said, "Because when it stops raining you could splash in puddles!")
HOLIDAYS:
Easter
Halloween
Christmas
SPORTS:
Basketball
Baseball
Football
Sword fighting
Swimming, Snorkeling
Dancing
Singing
Acting
ITEM OR SYMBOL:
"Money and stuff"
6 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Monday, August 14, 2006 11:04 PM CDT
QUESTIONS OF WHY BUT NO REGRETS
We had/have an angel in Nicholas and as we think about his journey…the ups and downs on the roller coaster and slippery road we often wrote about in these journals, we have no regrets because we know that we were blessed to have had Nicholas in our lives and in our lives today! Nicholas "lived" and loved the experiences in his life that took him near and far, with family, with friends, and to places that he completely enjoyed.
Of course, we do have the questions of why Nicholas was not healed, as we wanted; however, he was no less loved by God-and His love will/is perfectly providing for Nicholas. Thinking about some of the words to the song written on the Home Page above, God is God, so Nicholas is enjoying Jesus, just sitting at His feet.
And with no regrets we are thankful that the team of doctors at Stanford-LPCH as well as The Children's Hospital-Denver prepared us well…to observe and be "out front" of any pain issues. So while Nicholas did experience pain, it was never a suffering type of pain and we are so, so grateful.
While the nurses and doctors at all three hospitals were passionately in tune with "caring" for Nicholas and preparing us, Nicholas focused on our love, God, and caring about others which, we believe, manifested love over-and-over again in Nicholas' life.
7 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Sunday, August 13, 2006 11:21 PM CDT
8 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
A SONG FROM CHURCH TODAY: "GRACE ALONE"
Ev'ry promise we can make, ev'ry prayer and step of faith,
Ev'ry difference we will make is only by His grace.
Ev'ry mountain we will climb, ev'ry ray of hope we shine,
Ev'ry blessing left behind is only by His grace.
Grace alone, which God supplies; strength unknown He will provide.
Christ in us, our Cornerstone; we will go forth in grace alone.
Ev'ry soul we long to reach, ev'ry heart we hope to teach,
Ev'rywhere we share His peace is only by His grace.
Ev'ry loving word we say, ev'ry tear we wipe away,
Ev'ry sorrow turned to praise is only by His grace.
QUESTION: Reading or singing this song, can you picture the times that Nicholas was living with Grace Alone? From Nicholas' faith, rock climbing (in the third photo album below under Links), sunshine through Nicholas that shined into our hearts, how now we understand that Nicholas was teaching us, and now trusting that he is at peace and "playing and having fun"…
HOW THINGS ARE GOING
The song above that was sung during church today was one of several along with a poignant message of "connecting." And I was thinking about how beautifully Nicholas connected with God even in the midst of some very serious, significant challenges. Nicholas never, ever let go of trusting and believing God's love although there were the times when Nicholas would cry, pray, and say to God, "God, I love you and I am doing all the things for you. Why don't you heal me…" (Please see the journals from November 18 - 20, 2005) Amazingly, in the midst of pain or crying Nicholas would find ways to have at least an okay time…and he found ways to have abounding joy-what a blessing-thank you God!
Our hearts were filled with grace during and after church (it is not going to church that fills our heart with grace, however, surrounded by lots of love for God sure does help accelerate the spirit of God felt…). On the way home, well to Nicholas' site first, lifting our hearts to God in song and prayer also felt so good. And, then there were sad moments that brought tears and more prayer as we cried out to God, even now, to help us because it is still not easy not having Nicholas physically with us. Just like when we would hold Nicholas, carrying him in our arms while crying and praying together, we too were comforted today as we talked with God.
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (8)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (4)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Saturday, August 12, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CHANGED FOREVER
We remember November 19, 2004 when Nicholas was diagnosed. A lead doctor said, "…your lives will be changed forever." We really did not know what he meant because all that we were going to do, all the time, was sustain our love for Nicholas and sustain our love for God.
Reflecting back on the weeks, months, and the 1 ½ years navigating the journey, we are grateful that through God our love accelerated, changed forever each and every day in positive ways. It would seem impossible that the profound love from a mother and father could grow any deeper; however, each and every day through God the depth and breadth of our love grew to new heights helping us to be parents providing the greatest, positive impact on a child.
Our lives did change forever, each day and step of the way. Reflecting back we realize that we faced awful challenges, impacts, and choices-this is what the lead doctor meant by "your lives will be changed forever." However, choosing to love, be loved, and grow in Love generated positive impacts on our lives, our hearts, and our souls. And the challenges, we are still overcoming them for Nicholas and all these beautiful kids, with God-and our amazing son, Nicholas-as our guides.
So while we are changed forever, we fight the sadness in favor of the love that Nicholas was able to experience, feel, and share during the journey and now as the journey continues with Nicholas' spirit changing lives for the better today, for tomorrow, and all of the tomorrows.
9 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Friday, August 11, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
It is with a heavy heart that as it beats we are 1) sad missing Nicholas so, so much on one side and 2) lifted up with a rhythmic beat on the other side trusting God's love. And we smile knowing that Nicholas' life, like the lives of so many of these beautiful kids, is being celebrated everyday in an array of ways representing how all of you show up in our lives…in the ways that you do (direct and indirect, near and far).
As one aunt has always said, "…there is just something about Nicholas that is so touching and makes you love him."
A school administrator said, "We just knew from the very first day we met Nicholas that he was lovingly unique." And an administrator over a year later said, "Whatever Nicholas was doing, he would never hesitate to stop if another child needed some help unlike others who would step around a peer rather than stopping to lend a hand. I know this is one reason so many were drawn to Nicholas and so many will continue to be drawn to him."
I guess we all have unique purposes and we understand more and more that God was guiding Nicholas for a unique purpose from Nicholas' creation to transcending back to God. Perhaps for every one of us our purpose toward understanding is to live life with love, getting closer-and-closer to the purpose everyday…and when it is time to really understand the purpose…we all will.
10 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:44 PM CDT
CIRCUS AND NICHOLAS "HELPING CHILDREN BE CHILDREN"
The Nicholas Colby Fund is "Helping Children Be Children" via the Nicholas Colby Fund. I'm sure you remember through either personal interactions with Nicholas or through this CaringBridge site, stories recounting Nicholas' amazing passion for caring about others. From spontaneously giving one of his teddy bears to a fellow patient who was crying when Nicholas himself was a patient strolling down the halls with mom & dad at Children's Hospital Oakland (CHO)…to using his money while a patient at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital to buy a gift for a former patient coming to visit him…to regularly inviting neighbors and cousins over to our home for play-dates to share and enjoy times that kids create.
As stated under the photo above on this Home Page, Nicholas' spirit, love, and caring about others is vibrantly living through the Nicholas Colby Fund "Helping Children Be Children." Through the Nicholas Colby Fund, five (5) patients from CHO and their families will hear, "Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, step right up and meet some of the most remarkable performers The Greatest Show On Earth® has ever known, and explore the rich history of America's Living National Treasure®." Yes, it is the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus and the Nicholas Colby Fund is sending these five families to the circus at the Oakland Coliseum next Thursday for them to enjoy the excitement and wonder in a private suite.
"IF I CAN HELP SOMEBODY"
Remember, the Celebration of Nicholas' Life on June 2, 2006? Do you remember the song that was sung, "If I Can Help Somebody" (recapped on the June 14, 2006 journal entry)?
If I can help as I pass along
If I cheer somebody with a word or song
If I can show somebody he is traveling wrong
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can do my duty as a good man ought
If I can bring back beauty to world of wrought
If I can spread loves message that the master taught
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can help somebody as I pass along
Then my living shall not be in vain
NICHOLAS AND WHAT CHO SAID ABOUT THE CIRCUS
Nicholas, truly, was happy to help others and he is still doing just that so while nothing compares to God's graces that surrounds him today, Nicholas should be smiling knowing that he is helping to put smiles on the faces of others. As one CHO representative said, "…this will be sooo wonderful for these families-truly an opportunity they would not otherwise have."
DIFFICULT, OKAY, BLESSINGS
Today was somewhat a difficult day because of things seen that triggered sad thoughts. But today was okay because we just know that God's love for Nicholas is also His love for us. And it was a blessed today to have talked with several families who have been so close to Nicholas and mom & dad along this journey. A few words of hello and expressions of love does wonders for our hearts (we are blessed to have all of you in our lives directly and indirectly).
11 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Wednesday, August 9, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
DID YOU SEE THE MOON TONIGHT?
What we saw in the moon tonight might sound surreal; however, you know that Nicholas loves nature, the sun, the stars, the moon, etc. In fact, we have talked about these things many times throughout Nicholas' journey before May 25, 2006 and afterwards. Nature is one of the reasons his spot at Oakmont Memorial Park is so fitting (have you seen the third picture under the current View Photos, or the last several pictures on the third album below under Links?). And on the Home Page we talk about Nicholas' Star In The Sky that was established through the International Star Registry.
Well, tonight as we were looking at the full moon perhaps we were seeing what we wanted to see.
WHAT WE SAW (Thanking God for providing love to us in such an amazingly, special way!)
We saw Nicholas' face: his eyes, his nose, and his mouth almost like the "have a nice day" pictures of the yellow smiling face. And amazingly, a few times it appeared that what we saw as his mouth, it moved. Perhaps the moving of the mouth were reflections or something else that deals with light and distance. However, time and time again as we looked at the moon it was Nicholas' face we saw and the movement of his mouth like he was saying something loving... It was just like his expression in the picture taken at The Children's Hospital-Denver on May 23, 2006. (The picture referenced is on the third album below under Links, the caption on the picture reads: "No words are needed to speak and feel...everything good...") Coincidently, this is the picture we had "cropped" so that it is just Nicholas' face and it was scanned onto a heart-shape marble piece that will soon be on Nicholas' marker at his site.
Without thinking further about what it was we saw and see in the moon at this moment, we just thank God for providing love to us in such amazingly, special ways. We were full of joy and some sadness. And full of joy again feeling Nicholas' presence and seeing him as pure, perfect, and spiritually full of happiness in every sense because he is with us and we are with him…we, including Nicholas, "just know." Over and over, forever, we trust God and therefore Nicholas is thankfully in the greatest hands. Remember the song, "Never Gone," we talked about and shared the words to on the July 27, 2006 journal? Some of the words are:
Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
12 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Tuesday, August 8, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
13 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
Nicholas was simply amazing how he navigated the leukemia and bone marrow transplant roller coaster! We find ourselves on an emotional roller coaster and feeling so many emotions all at once is overwhelming.
We feel the presence of Nicholas and God and this really helps. And we think about Nicholas wanting us to hold him, to pat him…(examples referenced in the May 1, 2006 and May 27, 2006 journals). Here too, we are blessed with God's love enabling us to lovingly "hold" Nicholas-even now-in our hearts and souls.
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Monday, August 7, 2006 11:21 PM CDT
14 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
HOW THINGS ARE GOING
The "faces pain scale" measuring pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale, modified to capture several dimensions for an overall view instead of just the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain.
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for views 5 - 6: Uses the above 0 - 10 measurements.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (6)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (8)
NOTE: The August 5, 2006 journal provides foundational information about these scales.
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Sunday, August 6, 2006 11:04 PM CDT
LOVE AND LEARNING
Never, ever forgetting Nicholas will be EASY because his love shined so brightly that it produced an amazing glow in our hearts, and we suspect yours, that will never, ever become dim. What may be HARD, however, is sustaining what we learned along Nicholas' journey. We say hard because some of the lessons were connected to difficult situations. Situations like feeling pain but loving, trusting, and believing God's love and spirit to manifest in and around himself and God did deliver blessings over and over. And situations like Nicholas not feeling so well because of the leukemia process, but he received the strength to care about others who were and were not going through difficult situations such as his.
So while it may seem hard for us to reflect on the difficult moments, there is no question that God was loving Nicholas every step of the way, so along with sustaining what we learned, we are recognizing and sustaining lessons we are still learning because of Nicholas, because of God, because of all these beautiful kids.
15 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Saturday, August 5, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
GUIDING FACES
We often thought about those pain charts in medical offices that have 6 pictures of faces with expressions to help describe a patient's feelings. Remember these, the "faces pain scale" measures pain intensity from no pain (0) to excruciating pain (10) for a 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 scale. We thought about this chart in terms of how we are feeling these days because sometimes like a child it is just too difficult to describe.
However, we think of the charts in several dimensions providing an overall view and instead of the correlation of 0 - 10 for pain, we think of an A and B scale that includes pain (below).
- Scale A for views 1 - 4: Uses a smiling face, no expression, and sad face.
- Scale B for view 5 - 6: Uses the described 0 - 10 measurements.
For mom & dad, the #1 view governs everything (all scales at least how we describe them) through God's omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience.
1) Our outlook with God as our guide, shield, protector, teacher, spirit, love… (smiling)
2) Trusting, believing, knowing Nicholas is loved by God so there is nothing that he is lacking… (smiling)
3) Love to/from our other boys, family, friends… (smiling)
4) Source of love and support (smiling)
5) Difficulty getting through the day (4)
6) Pain in our hearts, stomachs… (6)
Now that we did this, it would have been simpler to recognize that God's love and spirit is fulfilling all of us in ways that we may not even understand right now-and forever. And that God is shining a light on our physical pain for His love to manifest love no matter where it resides within us…and helping us realize that "there is no spot where God is not."
ONE OF NICHOLAS' COUSINS BROUGHT SMILES TO OUR FACES
Today one of Nicholas' cousins spent the afternoon and night with us and it was so nice to be "playing and having fun" the way Nicholas always enjoyed and does now. From swimming to even watching Nicholas' favorite channel-Disney, we had touches of love massaging our hearts.
16 DAYS AND COUNTING-"WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE" TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Friday, August 4, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ECHOES OF LOVE
Words in the first song on Nicholas' Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service begin with, "I have heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return…I know I'm who I am today because I knew you…I have been changed for the better because I knew you, I have been changed for good…"
This evening as we bellowed out over Nicholas' site, our voices carried down into the valley of Briones Regional Park and over the slopes of the hills. We bellowed, "Nicholas, we love you always and we know that you know, you just know." And the echoes provided a thumping sensation in our souls that really felt good. There was a gentle breeze and over the valley behind Nicholas' site several hawks were effortlessly gliding about, soaring up-and-down, side-to-side. It seemed like they were "playing and having fun!" It seemed like there was something for us to learn…and perhaps the learning is something that we had written on Nicholas' program for the Memorial Service/celebration of his life: "Our angel Nicholas…we don't have to see you to know you are here."
These echoes of love, as we call them, are comforting and combat the feelings of hurt, pain in our stomachs. We know God wants us to feel His love and for us to know that He has Nicholas safely with Him and for us to trust His love will provide…for Nicholas, for us. We also trust that God is providing for you, as you have also helped us to be changed for the better with your love. So we see these echoes of love as moments penetrating into our souls providing beautiful reflections of Nicholas' life-letting us know that knowing Nicholas, we learned and are learning so much more about love, life, friends, and living for God.
17 DAYS AND COUNTING-WARRIORS FAN EXPERIENCE TO HELP GENERATE LOVE
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction soon comes to a close.
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Thursday, August 3, 2006 11:40 PM CDT
THE MASTERPIECE
Last night's journal ended talking about Nicholas being part of God's master plan…and today dad heard an analogy of that master plan relative to things we sometimes see here on earth. Things we see that we just do not understand in terms of all the why, why, why questions.
The analogy went something like this: Imagine the bottom side of a homemade quilt. What would you typically see? You would see knots and material that have been cut off and perhaps dangling. And imagine seeing the top side of the finished quilt or even while it was being created. What would you typically see? You would see a beautiful piece of work; and you would continually see that beautiful piece of work transitioning into a masterpiece! Here on earth, seemingly, what we some times see is the bottom side of the masterpiece in terms "knots, things that were cut off, and/or things that are dangling." This refers to things like the awfully terrible aspects of Nicholas' leukemia and bone marrow transplant journey. We do not always see the top side and its magnificent beauty unfolding. And sometimes we do get a glimpse of the top side…the beauty of love begetting love.
We have seen that beauty in Nicholas so many times before, during, and even now after Nicholas' journey because his love and spirit is amazingly still generating love. We are grateful for God's love; we know His love is constant although some days are really hard to get through.
As others have said…Nicholas' story continues…
18 DAYS AND COUNTING
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Wednesday, August 2, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
STILL PRAYING, LISTENING
So last night we were more comforted in terms of feeling Nicholas was in the right place because while Love definitely provided for Nicholas along the way...we believe Nicholas "labored at times" to be the warm, joyful, loving person he displayed for us, he displayed for you. Remember when he would say, "I want my life back; I want my happiness!" (November 20, 2005 journal), or "I don't have my smile back." Here too, Love did provide for Nicholas and we remember after Nicholas talked about wanting his smile, his wonderful smile was lovingly revealed that day (December 2, 2005 journal and December 2, 2005 pictures of Nicholas at home sailing down the play structure's slide, on the 3rd album below under Links). And once again Nicholas brightened our day…God provided for Nicholas and for us.
Like the words to the song, "If You Could See Me Now," in Monday's journal Nicholas is with God and that is absolutely comforting. However, we still pray (as always to be closer to God), not for answers because we trust and believe...however, we pray asking God to help us along the way. We pray for all these beautiful kids having to navigate awful cancer journeys.
The truth is, God has always been with Nicholas as the Journal History reminds us of the love, joy, and blessings -including you in our lives along the way.
GOD WILL MAKE A WAY
We cannot help but wonder why, why, why…why did we not see the healing we wanted to see here on earth, why Nicholas, why any of these beautiful kids. And we also thank God for reasons stated above; it is hard to understand but we trust and believe God, His love and spirit to always provide. And Nicholas, you just "know" that we are in your soul and that you are in ours. You are happy and free, son. We feel you and trust you feel us too. And we just know that God is there for all of us in ways we may not understand, except you must now understand and are part of His master plan!
God Will Make A Way
(By Integrity Music-Songs Of Hope, God Will Make A Way)
God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide,
Hold me close to His side.
With love and strength for each new day,
He will make a way.
19 DAYS AND COUNTING
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Tuesday, August 1, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD
Tonight we were looking at home videos and during a November 2, 2005 video we were shooting we asked Nicholas, "Who is your favorite person in the whole world?" Nicholas' response was, "My family!"
And we cannot stop thinking about Nicholas and his experiences from another day in November, a year before, "that" day is November 19, 2004. And thinking about "that" day through May 25, 2006, our family knew Nicholas was our favorite person in the whole world before, then, and now. We think about his reactions to the very extreme life altering processes that he faced and endured. Knowing Nicholas, mom & dad, and our passion for God's love you know that our passion, trust, belief, and the realization of love enabled Nicholas to "live" and have fun...from hospital to home, to clinic to home, to hospital to Ronald McDonald House (RMH), to clinic to RMH, to home to clinic, to hospital to home, to clinic-Minnesota to home, to clinic to home, to hospital to home, to Hawaii to home, to clinic-Denver to Brent's Place-Denver, and to hospital-Denver to hospital-Stanford LPCH.
We are thankful family and friends (YOU) were so very present in Nicholas' heart & soul more than ever on May 25, 2006 at LPCH to home-Heaven. We have seen and known that Nicholas, mom & dad, and our other three boys have been blessed because of God, you, and we have been blessed to daily experience love manifested in Nicholas & radiating from Nicholas.
All of the foregoing is a mouth full, however, all of Nicholas before and now provides a life and spirit that illuminates with rays of sunshine warming our hearts; Nicholas' strength, energy, enthusiasm, joy, and endless passion for caring about others amazingly inspires us daily-every day!
Every day there are gut wrenching and heart wrenching pain missing Nicholas so much...and we know and put ourselves fully into God hands for His love to work within us. And it always feels much better; never, ever forgetting all aspects of Nicholas' presence we trust God will provide comfort for all of us...yes we know seeking and listening to God is the first step every day.
20 DAYS AND COUNTING
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction will soon come to a close.
Monday, July 31, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS AND SONGS CARRYING US THROUGH EACH DAY
Nicholas loves music and along with songs as written, we would modify some to make harmonious and true, our love for each other as well as for God. Songs have always been part of Nicholas' life before he could even talk and as much as part of our other boys before they could even walk. For us, God has always worked within and around our lives even in ways we could not see…remember the Hymn we talked and prayed about: "…my hope we cannot measure, my path in life is free, my Father has my treasure, and he will walk with me…?"
While the words resonated deep within our souls, we are comforted knowing Nicholas' knowledge of the words were a testament of their healing…even if the healing was just in our hearts and souls where nothing contrary to God can take hold. The following song is new to us (thank you brother); however, we can feel God's touch as a million times before:
If You Could See Me Now
(By Integrity Music-Songs Of Hope, God Will Make A Way)
Our prayers have all been answered,
I finally have arrived.
The healing that had been delayed,
Has now been realized.
No one's in a hurry,
There's no schedule to keep.
We're all enjoying Jesus,
Just sitting at His feet.
If you could see me now,
I'm walking streets of gold.
If you could see me now,
I'm standing tall and whole.
If you could see me now,
You'd know I'd seen His face.
If you could see me now,
You'd know the pain is erased.
You wouldn't want me,
To ever leave this place,
If you could see me now.
My light and temporary trials,
Have worked out for my good.
To know it brought Him glory,
When I misunderstood.
Though we've had our sorrows,
They can never compare.
What Jesus had in store for us,
No language can share.
If you could see me now,
I'm walking streets of gold.
If you could see me now,
I'm standing tall and whole.
If you could see me now,
You'd know I'd seen His face.
If you could see me now,
You'd know the pain is erased.
You wouldn't want me,
To ever leave this perfect place,
If you could only see me now.
If you could see me now...
21 DAYS AND COUNTING
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above AND access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details about the Golden State Warriors Foundation and NBA Cares as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Sunday, July 30, 2006 11:20 PM CDT
GOD KNOWS WHAT WE NEED
As another week comes to an end, we think back over the last 7 days reflecting on how we lived for God, for Nicholas, for our other boys, for our family, for our friends, and how we lived meeting new people in our lives. Not just living, proactively living for God and allowing His love to let us "know" that Nicholas, like a dream, is enjoying God's Kingdom that is now also Nicholas' Kingdom-Heaven. And living for God fulfills our hearts and souls in ways that we, actually, could not have known we needed.
For us, we do not know what we need and have not known what we needed during Nicholas' journey and as the story continues; however, as the days, weeks, and months go by since Nicholas has passed, we felt God's presence every moment of the way. Reflecting back on these feelings, God has daily provided for us although some of what He provided we would not have thought about…we really did not know what we needed or even need now. God's guidance is working and we trust His words to continually provide for us…He knows what we need and when we need His blessings. And like during Nicholas journey, which we have now called his "story," God continues to bless us with all of you directly and indirectly in our lives. Love is amazing; so the story continues…
NICHOLAS AND FRIENDS…OUR "NEW NORMAL"
Today was another forward step for our family as friends-with their kids-visited just like our "old normal" talking, music, barbequing, swimming, playing, talking, and relaxing together reflecting on life and fun. We felt Nicholas' presence and know that because Nicholas is in our hearts and souls, he will always be present in our lives and we thank God for giving us such a blessing enabling us to trust Him to provide for us knowing what we need. And to trust Him knowing that He has Nicholas in His hands-there is no better place to be so we are okay in our thinking about how Nicholas is…
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Saturday, July 29, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
LOOKING UP TO HEAVEN
Yesterday was a day with friends for a friend. Today was a day with family for our family, "out and about" the way our "old normal" used to be. Tomorrow will be a day, not too unlike everyday, with family and friends in our "new normal" with more joy for God and certainly loving Nicholas even more deeply as we love our way to deeper & higher dimensions of love.
Looking up to Heaven is everyday, loving God and Nicholas as personal guides lighting up our paths & lives so darkness continually gives way to light. Family & friends, remember journals along the way talking about gratitude (we were blessed everyday), blessed days continue and looking up to Heaven day and night reveals wonders to our hearts & souls as we imagine Nicholas...and then recognize God's work continually unfolding enabling joy to push back sorrow because Nicholas is free, happy, playing, and having fun. Spirit & love soars in and around our lives and it sure "feels" better allowing God's harmonious love to provide for us.
Day and night it is so amazing to gaze into the sky!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Friday, July 28, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
TODAY
Today was a sad day as dad attended the funeral of a colleague who happened to be buried in the cemetery (Queen of Heaven) below where Nicholas' body is buried (Oakmont Memorial Park). Looking up from the Queen of Heaven dad could see the edge of Nicholas' serenity ridge site at Oakmont and with sadness for our colleague, Nicholas, and others known to have passed away comes mixed feelings about their ascending to Heaven.
One of the messages today drew attention away from the physicality of our lives…to love, to family, and to action. As mom & dad talked about this we realize the ever-present love in and around Nicholas' life and how all of us-including you-took action to be part of a family of love that provided, and provides today, true purpose and power of life here…so imagine how great it is in Heaven. We are so grateful to know love through Love-God. It is God's love and spirit that is sustaining our lives and filling our hearts and souls with everlasting memories of perfection and purity that has no end although it was a physical end for Nicholas here on earth.
The QUALITY of Nicholas' life through God brings everlasting joy and gratitude because Nicholas was short of nothing here on earth! We thank God and thank you for directly and indirectly contributing then and now. And the QUANTITY of Nicholas' life to us is measured in memories generated from omnipotent love received and given that will, absolutely, last a lifetime. Nicholas has made it face-to-face with God in God's speed.
The constant pain as well as void is in missing Nicholas physically so we are focusing on the spiritual aspect with God that is bringing us closer to Nicholas and bringing Nicholas closer to us. We felt God's presence with Nicholas and He would not leave His child, as any truly loving mother, father, or guardian would not. We are focusing on holding these truths as sensors for our hearts and souls.
TONIGHT
Surprise tonight at Nicholas' site were Yellow Parade Roses, yellow Disc Sunflower seeds, blue balloon dolphin, and white with black-lettering spelling Love-rock. Along with last night's surprise of a Piggy Bank with wings (remember Nicholas loves money and has several "piggy" banks) we are in awe of the love continually shared and hopefully received.
Again, do you remember the book we read to Nicholas on May 25, 2006 (May 26 journal) called, "The Next Place?" Calm, peace, and inspiration is drawn from the book that has amazing pictures with vibrant colors bringing the words to life. Tonight at Nicholas' site looking up at the sky was like seeing pages of the book and feeling our little angel, Nicholas, spiritually alive. There were picturesque colors of blue, including periwinkle, in the Western sky and a brilliant crescent moon. We thank God for this soothing night and Nicholas for helping to illuminate the night. Our sadness is just physical and there is happiness because of Love and the promise of Heaven.
TOMORROW
We do not know what tomorrow will bring, except love because of God's love. We will love and focus on actions of love as our lens to see our world, starting with our family. And sweet Nicholas, we are so glad that you "just know…"
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Thursday, July 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NEVER GONE
Songs selected for the Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service help us to realize the care that God provides us and how He helps us to "feel" just how close Nicholas is and will always be.
The void felt in our stomachs is like an empty spot somewhere deep inside that we cannot identify or sooth. It is really hard to pinpoint where the void is felt…and then we think about knowing what is true and the words that helped us along the way with Nicholas. Remember, "There is no spot where God is not!" And we know that God, spirit and love, shines light on every spot that is hidden or not…and we trust His light to light up our lives revealing Nicholas, always close (never gone).
Following are the words to one of the songs, "Never Gone," by the Backstreet Boys that was on the Video Tribute. (And thanks for being so patient with us regarding us having the Video Tribute accessible to you to again here the poignant music helping us to continually feel Nicholas' love and spirit in our lives. A link will soon be available.)
Never Gone
The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you
Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone
No, no, no
I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe
I will see you somewhere down the road again
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
OUR NEW VISIT TO LPCH
We did it! Mom & dad understand that a very hard thing for parents to do after the loss of a child is to go back and visit the hospital where they spent so much of their time. We were nervous about what we would feel-would we become too emotional and feel awful? Not at all; our visit today to Stanford-Lucille Packard Children's Hospital was a warm, welcoming, and an "at home" feeling. It was very, very nice to see all the loving and caring doctors, nurses, social worker, child life members, and the chaplain that were so much a part of Nicholas' and our lives.
In our hearts we had adopted each one of them to become part of our family, our new hospital family/friends. They were all SO helpful every step along Nicholas' journey. We thank you all for the wonderful jobs that you do. We shared hugs and tears, tears of sadness and tears of happiness. We shared stories of our darling little Nicholas. He was such a special little boy and now our heavenly little boy. We all MISS Nicholas deeply and long for his physical presence. We are comforted, however, by his strong spiritual presence…we feel it every day in everything we do, everything we see, and everywhere we go. He is never gone or never far away…remember, we talked with Nicholas many times enabling us to have a shared understanding of God's omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. And a shared understanding that we would always KNOW that we are in each other's heart and soul-always!
Mom & dad, our selves, are very surprised at the strength God is giving us amidst our physical pain longing for Nicholas. The strength, we guess, is another blessing amidst the physical loss of Nicholas. And remember, Nicholas is never far away!
NICHOLAS AND YOUR MEMORIES OR INSPIRATION (specific request through at least July 28, 2006)
The memories and inspirations shared based on last Thursday and Friday night journal entries are beautiful-thank you for the guestbook entries, emails, and phone calls with your remembrances. We will keep a message similar to this one posted on these journals through at least July 28, 2006. We have a few ideas on how the remembrances will live on from your hearts into ours and others. So what is your memory or inspiration?
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006 11:41 PM CDT
TWO MONTHS AGO TODAY…
We are very, very sad AND we are thankful knowing that God loves Nicholas and is with him in heaven. We are thankful for God's love because we faithfully trust His words placing Nicholas "in heaven" the greatest, loveliest, playfulness…and the "perfect" place for all to want to be when we leave this place.
Remember the book, The Next Place, recapped in the May 26, 2006 journal?
Do you remember the journals and guestbook entries about May 25, 2006 and the pure love within and around Nicholas? The love from so many of you waiting in the waiting area for Nicholas' plane to land in California after midnight…The love from all of you after Nicholas was in his Pediatric Intensive Care Room…The love and beautiful witnessing of Nicholas surrounded by everything pure and perfect letting us know that Nicholas is loved by God although we would miss him in the most gut wrenching, painful ways.
The morning of May 25, 2006 we were informed that Nicholas would probably not live through the night and dozens of family members, friends, and medical staff who were with us after midnight came back to be with many who remained at LPCH. As the dozens grew, the love in the air multiplied providing Nicholas an atmosphere of calm and comfort.
While we were trusting God to guide and shield Nicholas keeping him full of light and love, we also decided to ensure that Nicholas "knew" he is loved by everyone present and representing all of you. And it really was "all of you" because amazingly everyone who was part of Nicholas' journey was physically represented and surrounding Nicholas. And to ensure Nicholas knew this, we read books to Nicholas, prayed, sang, played his Song-Of-Love, had videos playing of Nicholas engaging with many of you, and we had Nicholas' room filled to capacity-in shifts-letting Nicholas deeply know that he is loved. Following are a couple recaps of guestbook entries describing the feeling felt in Nicholas' room at LPCH as he ascended to Heaven:
- Our little friend, Nicholas, died this afternoon. His parents brought him back to LPCH by air ambulance from Denver last night, so his family and friends could say goodbye.
As Nicholas was slipping away, his dad asked each person in the room to let Nicholas know they were there, and the room was filled with love as pure as I've ever felt.
- I want to thank you for allowing me the honor and privilege of being with you today. I am so grateful to you for yet again having the strength to allow others to share in Nicholas' and your journey and for giving us all the opportunity to say our goodbyes and to love Nicholas that little bit more. Whilst it was the saddest moment of my life it was also one of the most uplifting, poignant and treasured moments of my life. The love in the room surrounding Nicholas was so tangible. By doing it "your way" as you put it Lamont, Nicholas knew how much he was and will continue to be loved by so many. He looked so peaceful; he fell asleep and flew up to heaven. God had bigger plans for him. No more pain, no more medication dear little Angel, be with God and be at peace.
- We are honored to have been there today at 12:51 p.m. when Jesus took the hands of Nicholas to be with God. We are honored. For KJ to hold his right hand when he took his last breath, was a profound experience for him. Thank you, Lamont, for allowing us to be there. My children now know that death, albeit sad, is nothing to fear. That Nicholas was surrounded with so much LOVE in that room today. You and Sheila inspire us so much. Thank you for allowing us to say good-bye to him in "your" way.
Nicholas would always say, "You want a piece of me?!" Now, we are left with a piece of him. And for that we are blessed.
There will always be a piece of Nicholas in our hearts.
TOMORROW, RE-PLAYING OF THE MEMORIAL SERVICE VIDEO TRIBUTE
Recognizing that while many of the Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital staff were able to be at the June 2 services, many were not able to be there so tomorrow (Wednesday) mom & dad will re-play the June 2 Memorial Service Video Tribute for the staff. Coupled with the staff once again getting a "piece" of Nicholas, we are praying that the time will be very therapeutic for us as well as the staff based on the warm, caring, and loving relationships that we (including Nicholas) have with the staff-so the relationships part of "the story" continues as well.
NICHOLAS AND YOUR MEMORIES OR INSPIRATION (specific request through at least July 28, 2006)
The memories and inspirations shared based on last Thursday and Friday night journal entries are beautiful-thank you for the guestbook entries, emails, and phone calls with your remembrances.
Because some of you are away and can only access the journals through a variety of connections, such as telephone calls we are told, IT IS AN OPEN INVITATION TO SHARE YOUR REMEMBRANCE on the guestbook at any time. However, we will keep a message similar to this one posted on these journals through at least July 28, 2006. We have a few ideas on how the remembrances will live on from your hearts into ours and others. So what is your memory or inspiration?
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Monday, July 24, 2006 10:54 PM CDT
SAD DAY
We have been very sad all day for several different reasons all relating to missing Nicholas so, so much. We call out to our Father, God, knowing that he knows our pain and knows what we need not just want. And we feel that it is okay to pray for what we think we want because He will still listen.
Sadness also came over us while thinking about Nicholas' last 48 hours of which there was absolute love flowing through and around Nicholas. You could see it in his eyes, hear it in his words, and feel it from the sense of peace & calm all about Nicholas. Thankful is the word that comes to us and it might seem odd to recognize our thankfulness during the worst time of our lives. And oddly Nicholas had happiness and joy as much as he experienced his entire life…in his last 48 hours as he was "playing and having fun" with a baby that was being treated at The Children's Hospital-Denver, lively engaging with the nurses, and loving mom & dad as much as ever during our visit to the US Mint-Denver as well as throughout the day on May 23. And going to the ER on May 24 just after midnight, Nicholas was being carried in our arms just the way he likes and patted by mom just the way he likes.
Our hearts and bodies ache…and because of God we know that His love was in operation throughout Nicholas every moment then and now, in operation from mom & dad, from Nicholas, and the combined love cannot create anything contrary to love. Not humanly and absolutely not heavenly! Although the sadness is so very real, we trust and believe that as we get even closer to God love will further be revealed and manifest further in our hearts and bodies. And Nicholas, our love, love has never failed you and you know that now. Son, our spirits and souls are together, forever!
NICHOLAS AND YOUR MEMORIES OR INSPIRATION (specific request through at least July 28, 2006)
The memories and inspirations shared based on last Thursday and Friday night journal entries are beautiful-thank you for the guestbook entries, emails, and phone calls with your remembrances.
Because some of you are away and can only access the journals through a variety of connections, such as telephone calls we are told, IT IS AN OPEN INVITATION TO SHARE YOUR REMEMBRANCE on the guestbook at any time. However, we will keep a message similar to this one posted on these journals through at least July 28, 2006. We have a few ideas on how the remembrances will live on from your hearts into ours and others. So what is your memory or inspiration?
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:27 PM CDT
TODAY
At church, in the pool, and at Nicholas' site (Oakmont), the day and evening were a little more difficult because missing Nicholas' pure love for God, swimming, and flying kites just hurt. (Today's evening breeze provided warm gusts of wind lifting Nicholas' kite above his site.) While it has been 59 days, we still just cannot believe what has happened-it just makes us ill!
And we trust & believe that Nicholas is just fine although we are not sure about hearing, that for us it will just take time. We talked about time a lot during Nicholas' journey and what was felt then we believe is true today. So in God's speed we are open to be what He wants us to be…and it has nothing to do with time. Nicholas IS loved and he knows it because along with us you showed him over and over…and Nicholas knew he was loved by God…now Nicholas clearly sees the love of God as he freely plays and has fun.
God is loving Nicholas and loves us too-he always has and always will so for us listening and living for God, He will show us the way for peace…without thinking about time. A song in church today is providing comfort tonight:
"He Knows My Name
I have a Maker, He formed my heart.
Before even time began, my life was in His hand.
He knows my name, He knows my every thought.
He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.
I have a Father, He calls me His own.
He'll never leave me no matter where I go."
NICHOLAS AND YOUR MEMORIES OR INSPIRATION
The memories and inspirations shared based on Thursday and Friday night journal entries are beautiful-thank you for the guestbook entries, emails, and phone calls with your remembrances.
Because some of you are away and can only access the journals through a variety of connections, such as telephone calls we are told, IT IS AN OPEN INVITATION TO SHARE YOUR REMEMBRANCE on the guestbook at any time. We have a few ideas on how the remembrances will live on from your hearts into ours and others, so we will keep a note posted on these journals for about a week asking for your remembrances. So what is your memory or inspiration?
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Saturday, July 22, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
MAKING A DIFFERENCE
This morning for about 5 minutes a butterfly and hummingbird flew and landed from flower to flower outside our living room picture window. Of course it is not unusual to see this; however, coupled with seeing different types of bees simultaneously doing the same thing as well had us stop and observe beyond the flowers and the bees/hummingbird/butterfly. What came to mind was how a flower provides more than once to something else, and provides for more than one purpose. I think about the butterfly, the hummingbird, the bees, our eyes, our noses, our hearts…and sharing. I think about how many of us love to share pictures of flowers; talk about the ones we have or have seen; and purchase pictures, cards, clothes, etc. with flowers as the subject. I think about all of these things and the hundreds of things about flowers that warm our senses and heart.
Then I thought about Nicholas, about God, about love, about family, about friends, about this shared journey you are taking with Nicholas and mom & dad in a variety of ways. And then I remembered the many journals of Nicholas' journey and the constant subject was and is God, spirit, love, strength, energy, enthusiasm, joy, and caring about others to name a few. Finally I thought again about the flower this morning…what a difference (how ever it is for you) that a flower makes, what a difference Nicholas made and makes, and what a difference all of you made and make in our lives. Perhaps all of us do not completely know the difference we make in the lives of others-we just do it based on a foundation of love God has placed within each of us.
NICHOLAS AND YOUR MEMORIES OR INSPIRATION
The memories and inspirations shared based on Thursday and Friday night journal entries are beautiful-thank you for the guestbook entries, emails, and phone calls with your remembrances.
Because some of you are away and can only access the journals through a variety of connections, such as telephone calls we are told, IT IS AN OPEN INVITATION TO SHARE YOUR REMEMBRANCE on the guestbook at any time. We have a few ideas on how the remembrances will live on from your hearts into ours and others, so we will keep a note posted on these journals for about a week asking for your remembrances. So what is your memory or inspiration?
EXPANDING OUR COMFORT ZONE AGAIN
Remember last night's journal about a wedding anniversary and that tonight we would be attending a scholarship awards banquet? These were two more steps forming our "new normal" and thanks to so many friends attending both events (more so tonight) we were helped along the way. Tonight's event seemed a little harder on us because in Nicholas' first year of life he attended one of the same scholarship awards banquet with us. We are so happy to remember and have so much to remember… And yes, Nicholas was with us tonight as he will be forever!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details as the auction will soon come to a close.
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Friday, July 21, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
LOVING NICHOLAS MOVES US CLOSER…
Mom & dad moved out of our expanded "comfort zone" this evening and attended a wedding anniversary for our dear friend who is behind the Nicholas Colby Fund (comfort zone talked about in the July 18 journal). On one hand we DID go out of our comfort zone as the sounds and sights of the evening came from joyful couples and families with kids "playing and having fun." On the other hand we DID NOT go too far out of our comfort zone in terms of location as the celebration was held right here in Lafayette at the Lafayette Park Hotel.
Like going back to work, this evening was a "taste" of the lives we lived before. It actually was a beautiful blessing showing us that continually moving forward into the life we shared with Nicholas, being "out and about," IS the life we cherished with Nicholas (the life he lived and loved). Although we did leave a little early because emotions sporadically had us feeling uneasy, the evening had whispers of love in a "new normal" sort of way and we believe Nicholas was there with us every step of the way.
Coincidentally, tomorrow night we will expand our comfort zone again as we attend a AAA scholarship awards banquet. Remember the words of the song "Because You Live" by Jesse McCartney that we talked about in the June 17 journal? Remember, we modified the words a little singing, "Because you livvve, son, my world, has twice as many stars in the sky…" Nicholas does live in so many ways inside and around us that we will continually expand ourselves-in love-and therefore get even closer to all the wonderful things he touched in this world. And we will never, ever forget ALL the wonderful things he touched and touches in the world today and forever. Nicholas, you are in our hearts and souls…and we are in your soul, forever sweetheart! Remember, we just know… To get through it all, well, to "live" through it all we continually pray for God's help and guidance because we cannot do it by ourselves.
YESTERDAY'S JOURNAL ABOUT YOUR MEMORIES OF NICHOLAS-AND SOMETHING ELSE
In case you missed it, please go to Journal History and see yesterday's journal asking if you would share your memories of or about Nicholas. ALSO, because some of you may not have personally engaged with Nicholas, perhaps you would not mind sharing an inspiration generated from your connection with Nicholas via this CaringBridge site. So once again, we would love to hear from you by writing us a guestbook entry onto this CaringBridge site or email us if you prefer using the email address toward the bottom of this Home Page (mama4boys@sbcglobal.net).
We know we are blessed with you in our lives.
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Thursday, July 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
WILL YOU SHARE YOUR MEMORIES OF NICHOLAS WITH US?
Our memories overflow in our hearts, minds, and souls and they sure help us along the way...we look, feel, hear, smell, and taste the love Nicholas provides in all aspects of our personal, family, and professional lives. AND, spiritually we continue to be blessed because we knew, know, and love Nicholas. What is that "saying" about a gift that keeps giving? For us the "saying" manifests itself in Nicholas and his glow is the gift continually lighting our path along with our trust and belief in God.
Mom & dad would really love to "capture" your memories of or about Nicholas. Maybe your memory was when he was a baby; during a play date; at a theatrical performance; a park; a school function; at a basketball game; in the yard; swimming; on the telephone; playing board games, basketball, baseball; or just "playing and having fun." What plays over and over in your mind about Nicholas? What made you smile, laugh, and/or what caught you by surprise? What did he do or say that was inspiring to you? And just as important, what memory do you think Nicholas has of you?
QUESTION: WOULD YOU PLEASE SHARE THE ABOVE WITH US by writing us a guestbook entry onto this CaringBridge site or email us if you prefer using the email address toward the bottom of this Home Page (mama4boys@sbcglobal.net)?
Nicholas Colby Gilbert, we love you! And all of you, we love and appreciate you for being with us as well as staying with us along the way-thank you!
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Wednesday, July 19, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
MEMORIAL SERVICE VIDEO TRIBUTE AT LPCH
Following up on the July 16, 2006 journal, re-playing the June 2 Memorial Service Video Tribute for the staff at Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital will take place Wednesday, July 26. Coupled with the staff once again getting a piece of Nicholas, the time together will be very therapeutic for mom & dad based on the warm, caring, and loving relationships that we (including Nicholas) have with the staff-so the relationships part of "the story" continues as well.
DELIBERATE ACTS OF LOVE
For us, calming of the physical and emotional pain come from God's love-although we have natural feelings of being hurt-and we are so fortunate to more than reflect on the love Nicholas received from so many of you along with the love Nicholas had for life beyond what now, seemingly, can truly be said to be heavenly love. So reflecting on Nicholas, his life, and his continuing story...calms our hearts and thoughts like gentle "pats" of Nicholas' tender, sensing hands.
SOMETHING NICHOLAS SAID
"Don't worry about me, I'll be alright." (November 19, 2004 when Nicholas was diagnosed with leukemia as mom & dad were clinging to him with every emotion swirling, all attempts of focus giving way to crying for mom, and dad tightly holding on to both Nicholas and mom, is when Nicholas reached out to mom touching her saying "Don't worry about me, I'll be alright." )
SOMETHING WE SILENTLY HEARD FROM NICHOLAS TIME AND TIME AGAIN
"This little light of mind, I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...," (Many times as he politely replied to questions and enthusiastically was getting ready to do one of the many things he enjoyed, it was like a cue for this verse to play in our hearts.)
OUR MEMORIES WILL VIBRANTLY LIVE AND FOREVER PLAY AGAIN AND AGAIN…AND WE WILL LISTEN FOR GOD'S VOICE AND NICHOLAS' WHISPER
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TIME, PROCESS, CHANGE
"It takes time," "it is a process," "it is now a change journey," are some of the coping steps we have learned through reading, counseling, and many of you-are FRIENDS.
Like our recent journal entries, believing that time is relevant to God's speed and process is governed by God's guidance, we faithfully focus on God's words of love for Nicholas, mom & dad, our other sons, you, and everyone during and through this life. For mom & dad, during and through this "change journey." We pray, trust, listen, believe, and follow love, which, thankfully, begets love. We fully expect God to fill our hearts and souls with love that only He can provide (or orchestrate).
MOVING TOWARD NICHOLAS' RAINBOW
Thinking of the "change journey," mom & dad have modified a concept from work-zones of change-that speaks to our preparedness and trusting of God to fulfill us when it sure seems like being fulfilled with such an un-describable pain & void in our lives could not be felt (or known). The work concept involves 3 circles with one in the center of a bull's eye-like diagram (Comfort Zone). Just outside the comfort zone is another circle (Fear Zone). And the third of 3 circles (Learning Zone) around the first 2.
A few purposes of the Zones of Change are to create awareness around one's Comfort Zone, think differently about our willingness to be in the Fear Zone with risks and its relationship to learning, and to begin to hold fear differently. The notion is around moving outside one's Comfort Zone and into the Fear Zone toward learning, meaning one would have to push through the Fear Zone.
FOR MOM & DAD, we substitute the word Mental Preparedness for Fear and Rainbow for Learning. While we are in our Comfort Zone where it is safe and secure, to get to Nicholas' Rainbow we have to push through the Mental Preparedness. The only way is through God guidance and moving out from our Comfort Zone into Mental Preparedness, and to get "out" of Mental Preparedness into the Rainbow we have to get "in" the Mental Preparedness Zone where things will not be comfortable but as we pray and grow spiritually we will push through mentally expanding our Comfort Zone and find our way to Nicholas' Rainbow.
And we are so thankful for you, our circle of friends continually supporting us in amazing ways. Thank you!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Monday, July 17, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
SOME DAYS missing Nicholas is to the extreme that it is seems hard to breathe. Anxiety overwhelms our hearts and we pray much more frequently for the calm and peace that God has provided us along the way. This evening was one of those "some days."
At Nicholas' site it was a still, calm, warm evening with a sky that took on the sensation of a soothing ocean. We played Hawaiian music on the way to and from his site (you know Nicholas enjoys Hawaii). Wanting to touch Nicholas' beautiful face I lifted my arms out, and up into the sky facing the sunset. Closing my eyes I prayed knowing our Father could hear us and trusting He will comfort us-with arms extended I could sense Nicholas' face, including his eyes, his lips, his cheeks, as well as his joyful tenderness. And moments of comfort followed…
On the way home, at dusk, we had the sunroof back and windows down as the warm, comfortable air flowed through the car providing sensations that Nicholas and mom & dad enjoy.
As we lay down our hearts are beating with anxiety-we trust God to fill our hearts at least with a layer of comfort even if it is a thin layer. And we think…God would not want us to "just get by," He wants comfort, peace, and layers of joy in our hearts. Joy, understanding that Nicholas is more than comforted and we are to be as well.
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Sunday, July 16, 2006 10:16 PM CDT
EVERYDAY LIVING HAS CONSTANT REMINDERS AND THEY ARE GOOD AS WELL AS SAD, BUT…
Today, like most days, just going through everyday living takes us to many reminders of Nicholas and we are so, so grateful for the constant memories of love & happiness. And today at Broadway Plaza in Walnut Creek (outdoor mall) and the grocery store there were people we have known a long time and a short time sharing loving memories of Nicholas and thanks for what Nicholas has taught them along the way. These are happy moments and some of these moments along with others bring sadness. Sadness because we, naturally, miss Nicholas. But below are words we have often spoken about that help us along way. It is not just about the words, it is about knowing, trusting, and seeing God's perfect work through and in Nicholas-and praying and believing God's love for all of these kids is all that all of these kids and all of us need and have.
"I walk with God along the way, and oh, it is a joyful-dominion day. No more I suffer cruel fear, I feel God's presence with me here. The joy that none (and nothing) can take away is mine, I walk with God today."
"Green pastures are before me, which yet I have not seen. Bright skies will soon be over me, where darkest clouds have been. My hope I cannot measure, my path in life is free. My Father has my treasure, and He will walk with me."
UPCOMING EVENING WITH NICHOLAS' NURESES, DOCTORS, & OTHERS
An evening with the Stanford-LPCH staff is being planned to take place in about two weeks. While many of the LPCH staff were able to attend the June 1 Visitation Service and/or the June 2 Memorial Service, there were so many others that were unable to attend. The LPCH staff (like those at Children's Hospital Oakland and The Children's Hospital-Denver) is still so much a part of Nicholas and our lives so this will be an opportunity for mom & dad to engage with many of them at one time. And another way for Nicholas' spirit to soar to even greater heights as well as further distances in terms of the love he has for LPCH.
The plan is to play the Video Tribute that was played during the June 2 Memorial Service (not the Making Everlasting Memorials' short video that was played during the June 1 evening Visitation Service that is accessible through the www link above). The room will have the collage posters, puzzle pieces of Nicholas (Do you want at piece of me?), and some of Nicholas favorite items like those displayed during the Memorial and Celebration of Life Services. Remember, this Video Tribute has pictures of Nicholas and so many of you over the course of his life, beautifully set to poignant music that Nicholas liked and music that has been part of his life.
We hope all of you enjoyed and found love as well as peace through the Video Tribute; and hope it will continue to do the same for the remaining LPCH staff (and other people once the link is on Nicholas' web site). Gifts from God come in amazing ways!
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Saturday, July 15, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
SUNNY DAY AND SUNNY THOUGHTS
A day in the sun for dad with one of our other sons who took dad to a SF Giants' game. A day in the sun for mom at Orchard Nursery getting some of the same plants/flowers for our yard at home that we had asked/had planted at Nicholas' site. Mom also got dozens of ladybugs and we set them free tonight at Nicholas' site (remember seeing pictures from last year when Nicholas found ladybugs on the LPCH patio with mom?).
AND "YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE"
51 days later and sometimes we can feel or sense Nicholas in ways like runny down the hall at home to greet us, or swimming in the pool just saying, "look at me." Sometimes we just find it so hard to believe that Nicholas is not physically with us. All the time we pray and thank God for loving us so that all the time we can be comforted through His love providing peace, calm, and trust.
As hard as it is for us, we trust and believe that these days are not a question for Nicholas as he is more than at peace, he is free and enjoying all that God's love promises. Nicholas is even closer to that love than us so we should not want... Remember the times when Nicholas would talk, cry, and pray about…"I just want to be me." He is now what he wanted to be in terms of being free to be "me" and beautifully so much more. He has graduated doing all the right things to be in the right place for evermore. He is not missing us, but through God preparing for us…well we trust and believe his loving nature has him doing these things while deservingly playing, loving, and just being free to be "me."
AND ANOTHER LOVING SURPRISE
Tonight at Nicholas' site a CD and note marked with a "heart shape" was left stating the CD is one of their favorites and they had read to Nicholas, their favorite children's book. The CD is from the movie, "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" One of the songs on the CD we played was, "You Are My Sunshine" and the title correctly speaks about Nicholas. Thank you!
A GIFT FROM NICHOLAS TODAY
Mom & dad were taking dinner and a movie to Nicholas' grandmother Eva (dad's mom) and Nicholas treated us to the movie we selected at Blockbuster-via Nicholas' Blockbuster gift card. He would be, well he is, smiling knowing that he was again doing something for someone! Thank you son for giving us all so, so much helping all of us smile loving you!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Friday, July 14, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
PRAYING
We pray that little boys and girls, well everyone, will some day not have to go through all that Nicholas or any child facing leukemia goes through. We also pray for those children and parents going through tough times now…for them to love, really love providing the gift from loving that will always be in each other's heart and soul. It matters so much…while we painfully miss Nicholas we "know" the level of love shared and love from God can never be taken away. We are always in each others' soul. Love adds...it does not subtract!
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Thursday, July 13, 2006 10:58 PM CDT
BUBBLE SURPRISE THIS EVENING FOR NICHOLAS AND MOM & DAD
This evening we were surprised by an automated bubble-blower that someone dropped off at Nicholas' site. There was a note that read, "I love you baby. Have fun with the angels; I hope you enjoy the bubbles. XOXO" The bottle of bubble liquid read, "billion bubbles" and not only did a lot of bubbles float from the handheld blower, there were bubbles of all sizes: small, medium, and really big ones. Thanks, mom & dad smiled a little more this evening.
ANOTHER SURPRISE
How does Nicholas do it, referring to extending love to people he has never known and never knew him…even up until today? While at Nicholas' site this evening a mother with 3 small children came up to us saying that driving by Nicholas' site her girls asked if they could find out about the little boy from the site. Well, the mother walked over with an angel pendant and rubber fish-the type that you could squeeze and it squirts out water-for Nicholas and told us about her girls' desire to know more about him. So once again, the story continues…
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Thursday, July 13, 2006 11:23 PM CDT
OUR PRECIOUS NICHOLAS
Every day seems like a struggle of love and then we think that with love all things will be okay. So the struggle, perhaps, is a transition aspect that will some day get to the point where love is all that we feel enabling us to get through the days a little better.
As we said on the Celebration of Life program, Good-bye comes…always too soon, before our hearts are ready to let go. Focusing and letting the memory and the promise of our gift-Nicholas-from God shine within us forevermore does brighten our days. And is helping mom & dad and our other boys focus even more on love.
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Tuesday, July 11, 2006 11:13 PM CDT
BOOKS READ AND EXPERIENCES shared by others who have lost a child is "information" we are very thankful for; and, we are finding that getting through everyday is like an un-chartered journey requiring navigation through reflections, emotions, and gut-wrenching aches. It is ironic that the journey and navigation that was common language in these journals about Nicholas…is the common language about the impact Nicholas' leukemia story is having today. And like Nicholas, the aspects of our experiences are now like a roller coaster. Except, OUR EXPERIENCES DO NOT COME CLOSE TO ANYTHING Nicholas dealt with moment-by-moment. As we think about what he dealt with, we are still so amazed at how he lovingly navigated everything placed in his path. Again and again, we see that Nicholas was so loved to be able to navigate the journey as he did. God has to be so pleased with Nicholas!
A CARD RECEIVED TODAY provided mom & dad with a very nice sense of how Nicholas' story about joy and love is touching lives: "Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know I'm thinking about you and Nicholas. I tucked my piece of Nicholas in my hospital badge so I could carry that piece around with me. Several people have asked what the puzzle piece was about…and so the story continues…"
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Monday, July 10, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
AS HARD AS IT ALL IS…COUNT IT ALL JOY HAS SPECIAL MEANINGS
We will never, ever forget everything about Nicholas. As hard as it is to experience all that has been going on these days, through Nicholas' life he has changed-and is changing-our lives toward becoming so much better in every aspect of loving. We hear his voice in ways enabling us to further remember and even learn some things. We are realizing that Nicholas' impact on our lives is building on who we are and want to be. This is so real for mom & dad, his brothers, and family. We suspect that you, too, are realizing things favorably impacting your lives. We do not know what to make of Nicholas' "passing" in terms of why and it hurts. We have always trusted and believed in the words of God...as we still do today along with crying for continued help along the way.
We remember Nicholas saying, "I am glad that I can help others, but can someone else do it now?" referring to guestbook entries saying that Nicholas was setting amazing examples of faith, mental toughness, and what love is during the leukemia journey.
Do you remember the Video Tribute played during the Memorial Service on June 2, 2006 (a link to the photos and music will be on the NicholasColbyFund.org site when it is completed, around July 31)? The ending song, with the profile picture of Nicholas overlooking the ocean in Hawaii, is titled, "Count It All Joy." We mention this today because it seems to fit what Nicholas was going through and how he navigated the journey. Following are excerpts of the song:
COUNT IT ALL JOY (by BeBe and CeCe Winan)
It is hard to understand sometimes
Is there a master plan
How do I make sense of everything I'm going through
…
So count it all joy, all that you're going through
Even when you are feeling down
Count it all joy, each moment is a gift to you
So turn it all around
And even in the darkest night
If you look hard enough
There's a trace of sunlight waiting there
Yes, waiting there for you
Been searching everywhere to find
That rainbow in the air
Whenever I came close it just seemed to disappear
I had to change my point of view
Start looking at myself
I can't believe I never knew
Everything that I need
Was right here, yes inside of me
…
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Sunday, July 9, 2006 11:42 PM CDT
ONE MORE DAY
Peace really does come from our love for God and His love…and our shared love with Nicholas that comes back to us over-and-over every day and night. We know we are blessed with God's love and as we do focus on our blessings, we are comforted. But then again we still do wonder why…and at the same time knowing that God's love is always good and always just right although at times it is so very hard to understand.
As God and Nicholas' love constantly comfort us, we still do wish for one more day with Nicholas like we shared from January 27, 2000 for 6 years, 3 months, and 28 days to May 25, 2006…
ONE MORE DAY (sung by Diamond Rio)
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
One more day
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
With you
Note: You can hear the song by placing "www.ladaisey.com/onemore.html" in your browser.
AND, WE ARE THANKFUL
We are thankful for one more day, for the rest of our lives, to always have one more day with God and one day always have Nicholas at our side in every way. Nicholas, we are with you and you with us every day; thank you God!
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Saturday, July 8, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
KNOWING ALL THAT IS GOOD
Today was a day of knowing that every day is so much better when we focus on all that is good and all of our tomorrows...with Nicholas part of it all because of all the good that he has brought, and continues to bring, into our lives.
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Friday, July 7, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TODAY AND THIS EVENING WERE OKAY BUT TONIGHT…
Settling into work is getting smoother with fewer occurrences of overwhelming heart and stomach aches, although all of our senses constantly long for Nicholas. Today and this evening were okay culminating into beautiful moments at Nicholas' site: Remember the movie, Titanic, and the scene where the lady is at the front of the ship leaning forward with her arms out embracing the wind? Remember how Nicholas enjoyed Hawaii (the warm trade winds we talked about) and swimming in the backyard (the delight of being in the sun having fun)? Blending those moments are what we experienced this evening with the warm, gentle yet strong wind blowing allowing us to embrace Nicholas as we stretched our arms out overlooking Nicholas' site and Briones Regional Park. Seeing deer slyly prancing on the grounds and the evening blue sky with the rising moon-seemingly getting brighter and brighter as it gets closer to being a full moon-providing an amazing backdrop presented a picture-perfect moment generating smiles.
The aches in our heart and stomach can be tolerated (Nicholas went through so, so much more) but tonight the aches are unbearable. Sometimes these occurrences just happen as a result of something we see, hear, or think about. We miss Nicholas although he is in the right place with God-we are happy for Nicholas and hurt because his love is so great. And we know that God is not a confusing God providing warmth, comfort, and love to one (Nicholas) and not another (mom & dad and our other three boys).
Leaving Nicholas' site tonight we "sang" the prayer he would always say before falling asleep:
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the Lord my soul to keep,
Thy love be with me through the night,
And wake me with the morning light."
Nicholas has the morning and evening "light" to forever keep him safe, happy, and free; we know through trust that he lives on and many times it just feels so unreal that he is physically gone. Although transitioning through all of this is not emotionally easy at all, we trust God and love to see us through to the day we fully embrace Nicholas and Nicholas fully embraces us. In the meantime, remembering what we talked with Nicholas about-we just know that we are in each others soul and feeling mutual love. So we are never, ever alone.
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Thursday, July 6, 2006 10:51 PM CDT
THE NOTION OF TIME WITHOUT NICHOLAS AND TIME IN HEAVEN FOR NICHOLAS
The last paragraph of the July 1 journal entry talked about time and how we believe that when we are together with Nicholas again, because it will be via "God's speed," Nicholas will not have missed us and we all will simply relish the love that surrounds us!
Although the physical pain in our stomachs continue because we miss Nicholas terribly, we are experiencing that time without Nicholas is not being measured because of God's speed working in us as well. While we wonder when the pain will stop…we are finding that when we "can" stop wondering when the pain will stop and let the love of Nicholas in and around our lives soak in (that is still at work), God's love and Nicholas' love comforts us enabling gentle smiles.
The following excerpt from a book called, "Someday Heaven" by Larry Libby, is soothing to us as we think about Nicholas in heaven:
"HOW LONG WILL I BE IN HEAVEN?
When you're at your best friend's house, laughing and playing, time goes by so fast that you can hardly believe it. Zip! Whiz! The hands seem to fly around the clock. Maybe you can remember saying in your heart, 'Oh, this day is so good. I wish it could last forever!'
"Really, time won't go fast or slow, because there will be no time at all in heaven! If you stopped an angel and said, 'Please, what time is it?' The angel would just laugh and say, 'Why, it's right now and it's forever.'
"Jesus will see to all that. And even though Jesus may be the busiest person in all of heaven, He will never be too busy to laugh with you or sail a boat with you or go for a walk with you. Do you know what He said? He said, 'I am always with you' (Matthew 28:20)."
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Wednesday, July 5, 2006 10:44 PM CDT
NICHOLAS LOVED TO READ
Sometimes it seems right to just pray, listen, and read. Nicholas loved to read and we all have either experienced, seen, or read about the mutual love he had with so many of you and others. As we think about the source of Nicholas' love there is no doubt that it is God. We continually experience Nicholas' love today in so many things he did that are still having amazing impacts on our lives. It feels like Nicholas is a gift to all of us and the giver of the gift is God. This may seem like a play on words, however, we have shared gratitude for the gift we have in Nicholas and shared our constant gratitude for the blessings God has bestowed along the way. Putting it all together, we are so grateful for God being the "giver" of Nicholas-a gift that is forever illuminating the power of love.
As we read books at Nicholas' site as well as at home, love comes up virtually every time. And we are reminded about love and a book that speaks to how if we were to only do one thing-love-we could fulfill all rules, even the 10 commandments because if you "loved" you would not lie, cheat, steal… The book, "The Greatest Thing In The World," is by Henry Drummond. Just reading opens our hearts to learning more and prayer coupled with reflection has helped us love Nicholas in ways that soothes missing him physically. Nicholas was always reading or being read to with mom reading constantly and dad sporadically (although just about every day now at Nicholas' site). Reading has led our hearts and minds to reflection…quiet moments, soothing moments, and shared moments. Thank you, Nicholas!
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Tuesday, July 4, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
OUR FIRST 4TH OF JULY WITHOUT AND WITH NICHOLAS
Today mom & dad reflected back on Nicholas' first and only 4th of July-last year-while navigating the leukemia journey. Following is an excerpt from our July 4, 2005 journal:
"…Nicholas' spirit is GREAT and we are all over the Ronald McDonald House immune wing doing various things. We are planning to find an optimal spot overlooking the Port of Redwood City tonight, which is about 7 miles away, to view a fireworks show billed as SPECTACULAR. We will have a good 4th of July!"
And today is our first 4th of July without Nicholas in body; however, Nicholas is with us in spirit, in love, through God. Today, like many days we played a few 15-second movie clips of Nicholas just being Nicholas which is really not "just" 15-seconds of Nicholas because he truly radiated with love in everything he said and everything he did. A moment with Nicholas, like having "a piece of Nicholas," carry's well beyond the words he said or the action he took with others. This is a blessing from God…we have heard a lot about angels over the last 39 days and there is one particular phrase that illuminates Nicholas:
"Some people dream of angels, we have held one!"
So tonight at Nicholas' site, our eyes were warmed to the sparkles as we lit sparklers for and with Nicholas-celebrating Nicholas again as well as Independence Day. His spirit, love, and way of being continue to bless our lives…his loving spirit will never, ever pass away. As the moon began to light the sky and the ground, the first star we saw tonight help to light our hearts and souls. And the booming sounds of fireworks in the distance felt like echoes of love touching our bodies.
As GREAT as Nicholas' spirit was on July 4, 2005, it is even more SPECTACULAR now that he is "playing and having fun" in heaven… We just miss Nicholas so, so much!
A HYMN FROM CHURCH THIS PAST SUNDAY (by Stephen L. Bigger)
For us as we sing, read, and focus on the hymn below, we see love, light, life, Nicholas, heaven, and everything sweet dreams with God bring:
"Through the darkest night, long before the dawn,
Through the fiercest fight, Lord, Your glory will shine on.
So we lift our eyes to behold the prize;
We are finally free to worship at Your throne.
Safe, forgiven, we are grateful for the gift You have given.
"So let freedom ring!
Let it rise above,
By the power of Christ's sacrifice we are free to love.
Lord of Liberty, O Redeemer King,
By the grace of God let freedom ring, let it ring!
"When all hope is gone, when our wills are weak,
When our tears fall down, Lord, Your mercy we will seek.
May we trust in You to make our hearts new,
We will worship You, our Savior and our God.
Safe, forgiven, we are grateful for the gift You have given.
"My Jesus, 'tis of Thee, sweet Lamb of Calvary,
Of Your mercy, now I sing,
With all my heart, my soul, my everything!"
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Monday, July 3, 2006 10:37 PM CDT
WE FEEL LOVE ALL AROUND US SO LETTING GO AND TRUSTING…
One step at a time, one day at a time, looking forward, and moving forward are a few approaches toward overcoming all of the stomach aches that linger…and similar to the comfort and calmness that have soothed us while loving God during the "roller coaster" effect of everything Nicholas experienced since November 19, 2004 to May 25, 2006, today marks another day and opportunity for us to really let go of our fears, fully placing ourselves in God's hands. We feel, trust, and believe that God desires so much to guide our lives through the goodness and wonderment that He has for us. Perhaps it would be relatively easier because we know what we trust and believe in based on God's word and the wonderful way Nicholas lived his life. Love is in control and love begets love so Nicholas is loved, receiving all the derivatives of God's promises no matter how you explain love.
I guess what we feel is that we have to trust God so fully allowing nothing except His love to take over in our lives. We feel God understands that it is not easy for us (as most of us) to completely turn EVERYTHING over to Him. He recognizes there are so many phases of this "passing" transition. And we are sensing that it is not about the phases, it is about focusing on God to guide us through the phases. He loves us and wants to do just that, EVERYTHING to love us so we do not have to "find our way" through these times. Nicholas' journey then and now is with God and it feels right to really turn EVERTYHING over to God enabling us to "be" closer to Nicholas because we will solely be listening, following, and experiencing God's love without over thinking everything, which itself has no power except "swirl."
Of course, we will never, ever forget so it is about remembering the love God provided during the journey enabling the blessings that we have talked so much about throughout. And not forgetting enabling us to keep that love so fresh that by itself will fuel our love to be greater and greater in God. It's not easy-we miss Nicholas so much because he is still everywhere in our hearts and lives-so we will continually pray, listen, follow…really follow His word & voice and be grateful to expect love to be love.
We are so grateful to still experience Nicholas' love that will continually bless our lives and we feel the lives of children and others, which is his passion. Remember?
MOM & DAD ARE FULLY BACK AT WORK
While dad transitioned fully back to work two weeks ago, mom started today for the first time since November 19, 2004. The emotions are heartwrenching and painful; will you please pray with us specifically on this transition while we keep our focus on being thankful for the blessings that enabled Nicholas to navigate the things he did...while remaining so faithful, caring, and loving.
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, everyone! Nicholas loves firework displays and sparklers. Will you light a sparkler for him?
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Sunday, July 2, 2006 11:32 PM CDT
ONE MONTH AGO TODAY…THE CELEBRATION OF NICHOLAS' LIFE
Along with hundreds of you at the Viewing Service we held on June 1; and hundreds more at the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life on June 2, so many of you wanted to help develop and pull together all of the overall-celebration of life services which was yet another blessing of love and support you continually provided to us. To everyone, your love for Nicholas is still so amazing-thank you!
While one month ago today was the celebration of Nicholas' life, today we are acknowledging-through this journal-those of you behind the scenes enabling the overall "Celebration of Nicholas' Life" (including the Memorial Service and Interment Service) to take flight & soar, and thank everyone else who wanted to help:
-CYNDI Moritz-Atkinson: "Piece of Nicholas" puzzle, bubbles
-SARAH Atkinson: Puzzle assembly
-SOHA Athanasios: Framed artwork and notes from Nicholas, CDs to contribute toward the Video Tribute (Nicholas' CDs were still in Denver)
-MARIE Andel: Memorial Service Speaker
-GINA Baker: Celebration of Life speaker, Nicholas Colby Fund set up
-SARA Bannwart: Interment singer
-SHIRLEY Bacchus: Memorial service speaker
-VALERIE Bigelow: Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church liaison, Celebration of Life display setup of Nicholas' personal items
-MINAS Be-Emmet: Celebration of Life cleanup
-GINNY Bruzzone: Video Tribute creator/developer, printed "Program" creator/developer
-MARILYN Corvin, Reverend, Lucile Packard Children's Hospital: Celebration of Life speaker
-ALEX Cowling: Co-created the collages of Nicholas, Celebration of Life cleanup
-DOMINIQUE Cowling: Celebration of Life cleanup
-KATHY Cowling: Planning/management, Memorial Service speaker, Celebration of Life cleanup
-LARRY Cowling: Planning, Celebration of Life emcee, Celebration of Life cleanup
-STEPHANIE Cowling: Church lobby preparation, speaker, Celebration of Life cleanup
-TOM Dabasinskas, Pastor, Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church: Pastor of services
-PHYLISS Edwards: Tissues, Bubbles
-DON Ellison: Celebration of Life speaker
-KJ Estudillo: Memorial Service speaker
-JORDAN Fillmore: Pallbearer
-BRUCE Fox: Funeral director
-LINDA Freitas: Planning, Memorial Service singer
-CHRISTOPHER Gilbert: Planning, Memorial Service speaker, pallbearer
-FELECIA Gilbert: Church lobby preparation, speaker, Celebration of Life cleanup
-JASON Gilbert: Memorial Service display setup of Nicholas' personal items
-SCOTT Grane, Wolf Camera: Editing and development of picture for Nicholas' marker
-MATT Guelfi, Hartmann Studios: Plants, video engineering, catering
-MELINDA Guelfi: Video engineering pre-work, silk tablecloths
-ED Harris: Celebration of Life singer
-Derek Jones: Celebration of Life cleanup
-KEVIN: Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church sound manager
-CHICO Kinnebrew: Celebration of Life cleanup
-JAMIE Kinnebrew: Co-created the collages of Nicholas, Celebration of Life cleanup
-KAREN Kinnebrew: Co-created the collages of Nicholas, Celebration of Life cleanup
-LINDA LaSorsa: Balloon bouquets and arc
-MATTHEW Martinez: Pallbearer
-TIMOTHY Martinez: Pallbearer
-TERRY McGlynn, Admac Digital Imaging: Printing of the "Program"
-GREG Mollering: Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church logistics
-JUDY Mollering: Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church liaison and logistics
-DAVE Nieuwsma: Memorial Service speaker
-ALEXANDRA Nieuwsma: Celebration of Life harpist
-ANASTASIA Nieuwsma: Celebration of Life harpist
-SOPHIA Nieuwsma: Celebration of Life harpist
-VICTORIA Nieuwsma: Celebration of Life harpist
-MATTHEW Reamer: Photographer
-CHERIE Skillman: Funeral service counselor
-THUNDER, Golden State Warriors' mascot: Celebration of Life appearance
-AL Tolentino: Photography
-STEPHANIE Tolentino: Planning, balloons
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Saturday, July 1, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CHILDREN BRING US JOY WHILE NICHOLAS' SPIRIT STILL HELPS TO FULFILL OUR LIVES
We spent the day around two of our nieces and Marquis, Nicholas' 2nd cousin. I, dad, have 8 brothers & sisters and being number 7 of 9 with most of the older ones nearly 10 years or more before me, I have always been around children. Lots of children…through these nephews & nieces and their kids. Coupled with neighbors during our married life, we constantly have children around as "playing and having fun" is something we just always have done with the kids before Nicholas, with Nicholas, and now with Nicholas in his spiritual way guiding us these days toward even being better at "playing and having fun."
Our nephews and nieces are truly like best friends to us and we have been so blessed with the love and care they provide to us-we guess it is just the kid in us that we do not let go of and we enjoy it so, so much. And things just hurt so, so much right now.
The hard part in our lives now are our emotions that pop up sporadically, in the midst of just about anything we are doing and even when we are just in a mental place that seems neutral. We trust and believe-well, we know because Nicholas' life was and is so pure and loving-that he is "playing and having fun" in the golden play yard (part of his heaven). So, we know Nicholas is with God and nothing do we fear in terms of his condition and surroundings: He is surrounded by the purity and perfection of the greatest love. Yet, missing Nicholas constantly and feeling the turning of our stomachs constantly have become our life.
We mention all of this because our lives have become a balancing performance in terms of loving Nicholas and missing him so, along with enjoying and being with children that have always been a big part of our lives. So we pray, we pray knowing that God loves us so much that he will shepherd us through these times. He will; we trust and believe that God will provide for us as we continually open our hearts and trust Him. And while it has only been 37 days since Nicholas has passed, the number of days are not a measuring stick for anything because God's love and God's "speed" is not governed by numbers at all. GOD is loving Nicholas and while we miss him terribly, GOD is loving Nicholas and there are no better hands for him to be in. So, we pray for strength and God's love to do what it does…love, enabling us to not forget, but live knowing Nicholas is loved and when we see him again…because it will be "God's speed," Nicholas will not have missed us, we all will simply relish the love that surrounds us!
Friday, June 30, 2006 11:07 PM CDT
OUR BODIES HURT BUT WE KNOW THAT GOD IS LOVING NICHOLAS, AND GOD IS LOVING US SO WE PRAY FOR HELP
We also pray to be nearer to Nicholas and feel God's presence assuring us of His love for Nicholas…and this is what we feel in expressions to Nicholas:
Nicholas, our love, forever you are so deeply in every aspect of our lives. You are forever loved so deeply that we just know you are perfectly, and purely, happy and free from earthly infirmities…"playing and having fun" in your golden play yard.
While life sometimes seems to have no reason or rhyme to how things unfold, when we spiritually look at life here on earth we just know that your loving touch-through the many ways your spirit embraced our hearts and souls-was not by chance. Your love, Nicholas, was and is a gift that guides us to love. And it guides our forever-memories to love in our life, you son! You continually light up our world and spirits illuminating our path even closer to God. You brothers are blessed because of you and love you so, so much. And son, the purity and perfection of God's arms around you must feel so, so good. You, son, are so amazing. We are sure God is more than pleased…and He is more than pleasing you.
You are not away from us and remember, we know that our shared love will always be felt-we just know that and trust and believe God is making this, too, true for you.
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Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
CONVERSATIONS
This evening at Nicholas' site there was another surprise visit by friends (met during Nicholas' treatment at Stanford-LPCH). And once again while reading a book aloud, a visit brought joy to our hearts through our collective reflections on Nicholas and the way he was with people of all ages (and the way he still is with people). Expressively, we were told that our doing the things that Nicholas did with people would further open our hearts to his love resulting in peace & joy in our lives. They were talking about the Nicholas Colby Fund…"Helping children be children."
Sometimes we try to describe what it is we are feeling along with our emotions; words just do not make sense to us right now. We do, however, feel Nicholas being at peace and full of wonderment along God's side. We sense his playfulness scrambling in and around us throughout the days and nights. Then we sort of let go, falling onto God from our constant leaning on Him for help and direction. And missing Nicholas we ask God to show us the way while we trust and obey.
READING IT AGAIN
Nicholas certainly had favorites when it came to books, songs, movies, and TV shows. Many times he wanted to read it again, sing it again, watch it again as well as act-out what he was learning. It was fun watching him portray different characters; and sometimes we can vividly see him acting out scenes from things read, sung, and/or watched. Other times we play some of the videos we have of him acting out scenes.
Nicholas is the joy that nothing can take away because Nicholas was brought to us by God…and nothing has power over God…and we are comforted experiencing Nicholas' joy time-and-time again.
Tonight's book, "The Legend Of The Three Trees" by Catherine McCafferty, is one we read to Nicholas a few times. You may remember we talked about it a long time ago. We mention it again now because the notion of God "providing" is poignantly revealed. An excerpt from the book is, "Sometimes, the dreams that we have for ourselves are much smaller than the dreams that God has for us." As hard as this is, we trust and will continually work to obey His words having faith that He will provide…
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2006 11:45 PM CDT
IN THE MIDST OF UNDERSTANDING
Remember the journal about "I Wonder Why" written by family friend, Hana (November 11, 2005 journal)? While we still wonder why…we pray and listen toward better understanding God's love and His spirit that has always been in operation around Nicholas-and more so now. Nicholas was more than kind, more than caring, more than loving. Through his constant actions it is clear that his love was directed by God and his love was fueling hearts with love, truly from all walks of life and all ages. We were and are blessed with Nicholas IN OUR LIVES.
The things we did and the things we said with Nicholas provide constant memories of love revealing truth about faith from the perspective that Nicholas was able to trust our love and promises to always be with him…as we trusted his love that is with us! Knowing that God is so, so much greater than all of us have us feeling just how much (more than we can imagine) God is delivering on our faith in Him. And Nicholas deserves all the good in heaven!
SURPRISES AND JOY
This evening while mom & dad were reading a book ("You Are My Miracle by Maryann Cusimano Love*) at Nicholas' site, we received a nice surprise via a visit at the site by Nicholas' nanny-Kimmy-and family friend-Julie.
We enjoyed the gentle warmth and occasional breeze that generated lovely sounds from the wind chime and soothing sights from the three-tiered rainbow pinwheel spinning freely with the breeze. We enjoyed the colorful sunset, gazing at the clouds forming wonderful shapes reminding us of Nicholas, and listening to songs (remember Linda singing "Held"** during the Memorial Service?).
And then the crescent-shaped moon against the blue twilight sky warmed our hearts and souls some more as the shape of the moon immediately had us seeing a "smile." Sharing stories while thinking and praying had us rejoicing, momentarily, and there was some laughter. Mom & dad were reminded about another thing Nicholas said; "As long as we are laughing, we are having fun!"
*The book is about how "nothing beats the magic time spent between parent and child…" and is "presented in gentle rhymes and illustrations as warm and glowing as a winter's fire…" Some excerpts: "I am your cocoa; you are my marshmallow…I am your wrapping; you are my surprise…I am your steady hands; you are my rising star…"
**The words and other information about the song are in the journal dated June 8, 2006.
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Tuesday, June 27, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TIME
Nicholas taught us about time…time to SIT, TALK, PAT ("patting" him helped to make him comfortable), ROCK (being "rocked" gently in our arms and/or on our laps was soothing to him), SHARE, CARE, WALK, RUN (even when physically it was improbable he created the courage and strength spiritually, mentally, and physically to more than try…he ran in his way a step at a time and trying again when he fell), LAUGH, PLAY, PRAY, CRY, and above all to better understand LOVE. Nicholas' love continues to teach us these things and more; and through the guestbook entries, cards, emails, and telephone calls the stories of Nicholas' love are growing. Thank you!
Through God, love was the greatest thing that Nicholas helped us to better understand because through love all times and things were right for everyone around each other (near or far). Through God and love…Nicholas is still teaching mom & dad as we sit, talk, pat (remembering Nicholas constantly), rock (feeling his presence consistently), share, care, walk, run, laugh, play, pray, cry, love, and so much more from A ~ Z.
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund are in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Monday, June 26, 2006 10:45 PM CDT
MEMORIALS NEAR AND FAR
We have received word from a few family/friends regarding memorials that will be constructed...plans underway. These memorials range from Lafayette here in the Bay Area ~ to the Central Coast in the Monterey Area ~ to the Hollister area in the Central Valley. Although we will provide details of these plans as they become final, we are mentioning it now to express our appreciation to everyone continually "showing up" in our lives-in your own way-helping us to feel more than supported…we just know that we are loved. And the reason for it all is Nicholas! What a blessing he is in our lives: touching, guiding, and leading us even today because of God.
JOURNALS AND THE UPCOMING NICHOLASCOLBYFUND.ORG SITE
The focus of our journals always has been Nicholas and moving forward focusing on him will continue. While we have touched on our feelings, we want to ensure that Nicholas remains the focus because it is through God and because of Nicholas that sharing experiences and our learnings have meant so much to us-and we trust have meant so much to you as well. In fact, Nicholas saying, "Do you want a piece of me?" is seemingly his calling card to all of us so from that perspective Nicholas' legacy living on through the Nicholas Colby Fund will continue to provide real experiences (pieces of Nicholas) that should touch our hearts and lives moving forward.
Speaking of the Nicholas Colby Fund, the frame of the new website (www.nicholascolbyfund.org) is in place with some content; however, the final logo, structure of the site, content flow, etc. will soon be populated and on this CaringBridge site we will let you know once the nicholascolbyfund.org is in full operation. Also, we will soon provide details about the Nicholas Colby Fund including how the Fund has already helped others. Nicholas' legacy will live on…"Helping children be children." Thank you for your direct and in-direct support and donations-you continue to make a wonderful difference in Nicholas' life and spirit, in our lives, and in the lives of others the Nicholas Colby Fund helps!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The content of the message about the Warriors Foundation and auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Sunday, June 25, 2006 11:37 PM CDT
THE GREATEST LOVE IN THE WORLD
Today is the 31st day since Nicholas has left us in body and although we believe Nicholas is in heaven-experiencing ALL the good prevailing thoughts imagine heaven to be-and believe God absolutely loves us as well...the physical pain and pain cutting into our minds generates unbearable moments throughout the day & night.
And like so many times during the 552 days Nicholas was navigating all the "leukemia and bone marrow stuff" (when with Nicholas we would talk, cry, pray, and feel God's love) we cry, pray, and do feel God's love. We pray more and more to open up to better receive God's love allowing God's love to do what the greatest love does...
Our trust, belief, and witnessing love do some wonderfully amazing things for Nicholas during the 552 days (in fact, before November 19, 2004 and even now) clearly demonstrates that God does things "for" us and not "to" us. While "hope" is a good thing and no good thing ever "dies"...with evidence of God's love we more than hope His word fulfills its promises-we trust God's word to do what it says it will do. Through God our little sunshine, Nicholas, continues to light up our lives in thought and feeling all around us. Oh how we need God to fulfill us as we pray recognizing that only God can give us joy & peace. And Nicholas, "you know, you just know" that we are loving you as we know you are loving us…we are so, so grateful to know that God, Jesus, love, spirit, and all the pure & perfect attributes of heaven are your playground where you are "playing and having fun" providing love to all of us as we think of you!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Saturday, June 24, 2006 11:36 PM CDT
OVERWHELMED
The feeling of emptiness is overwhelming-we miss Nicholas so much. Although we absolutely trust that he is fine: fulfilled with all the goodness and greatness of God in all the goodness and greatness of God's work…
WHAT WE READ TODAY
Love has been constant in our lives…although it has been so easy with Nicholas because he radiates with love himself and love really begets love. So if you could not tell, the love in our journals is truly love in our lives (in everything we do love is the foundation that builds who we are and how we "show up" in the lives of others). Not surprising then, today the book we read at Nicholas' site was about love-we trust everyone at every age and stage in there life will appreciate the way love is presented in the book, "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori:
Small was feeling grim and dark.
Playing toss and fling and squash,
Yell and scream and bang and crash.
Break and snap and bash and batter…
"Good grief, " said Large.
"What is the matter?"
Small said, "I'm a grim and grumpy little Small and nobody loves me at all."
"Oh Small," said Large. "Grumpy or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
Small said, "If I was a grizzly bear, would you still love me, would you care?"
"Of course," said Large, "bear or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
Small said, "But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?"
"Of course," said Large, "bug or not, I'll always love you no matter what."
"No matter what?" said Small and smiled. "What if I was a crocodile?" Large said, "I'd hug you close and tight, and tuck you up in bed each night." "Does love wear out," said Small, "does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?" "Oh help," said Large, "I'm not that clever, I just know I'll love you for ever."
Small said, "But what about when we're dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?" Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright. "Small, look at the stars ~ how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago."
"Still they shine in the evening skies, love, like starlight, never dies."
Note: The books we have talked about on these journals deeply touch your senses when you read the words and see the pictures. Until then, we trust Nicholas' selected books touch your heart as they provide a glimpse into his heart…and now his soul as his spirit is lifted to the highest of the high, and with the highest of the high!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund is in the Home Page information above. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Friday, June 23, 2006 11:44 PM CDT
FLAVOR OF HAWAII IN LAFAYETTE
Most of you know that Nicholas loved being in Hawaii: the beach, snorkeling, dolphins, rainbows… Tonight, Hawaii was brought to his Oakmont site; Sarah (a family friend) just returned from a high school graduation trip spent in Hawaii. She brought a Lei, sand, and a song sung Hawaiian style called "Over The Rainbow" (you could hear it in the movie, "50 First Dates"). So at his site tonight, the Lei was laid out into a heart shape, the sand was sprinkled over his site, and "Over The Rainbow" was playing as we enjoyed the sunset…
And a wind chime gift from friends (Emma & Michael) met at Children's Hospital-Oakland was placed in a tree over his site. The wind that sometimes sweeps over the rolling hills of Briones Regional Park provides an array of speeds…and generates soothing sounds from the chimes.
THANKFUL
Although we have not fully shared the pain that penetrates everywhere within us, we are thankful for countless blessings. We have been asked in many caring ways about our un-wavering trust in God's love. While it is has been a very, very difficult and devastating leukemia and bone marrow journey, we have been thankful for the ability to love Nicholas in all the ways shared (most of you read about on these journals) because God has "enabled" us to love Nicholas. It may seem like God did not give Nicholas what he needed (Nicholas prayed and called out to God for "what I need") and we still struggle with this notion along with questions of why. And then we trust God to know what Nicholas needed…and knew as well as know how mom & dad needed as well as needs to "be there" for Nicholas fulfilling him in ways that could only be accomplished through God. God has given us the ability to provide for Nicholas in ways we simply may not understand right now…but we feel Nicholas was-and IS-loved in ways that let him know that he was-and IS-LOVED!
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
June 19, 2006 through August 21, 2006 (or later)
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund will be in the Home Page information above, at least through August 21, 2006. (Please see above or access (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html) for complete details.
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Thursday, June 22, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***UPDATE UNDER "TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS"***
REMINDER: GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
June 19, 2006 through August 21, 2006 (or later)
The contents of the message about the Warriors Foundation and there auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund will be in the Home Page information above at least through August 21, 2006. (Please see above)
TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
It has now been four weeks since Nicholas has passed and our hearts and minds hurt so much. The pain seems to be settling deeper and deeper, and our prayers keep on getting stronger and stronger. Stronger because we need God just as much now as we have always needed Him as we pray being thankful for so much good that has been in Nicholas' life. And we pray for God's love to continually embrace us as He certainly is embracing Nicholas. As children, many of us remember the song, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…" As horrible the last four weeks have been, we think that we would not want to have been without God during any moment of Nicholas' 552-day fight or now. As we have sung and prayed words from the song, "He's My Son"…"God, who he need right now is you…" and we open our arms needing God just as much now.
"To our friends who have become family and to our family who are our friends, may you be blessed with the same love and care you have given to Nicholas and to us." This is the message we wrote on the Celebration of Life program and it is the message that continues to be true in terms of how you are still in our lives-thank you so very much for being with us, in your own way but "being with us!"
All three hospitals (Children's Hospital-Oakland, Stanford-Lucile Packard Children's Hospital, and The Children's Hospital-Denver) continue to be in our lives through their cards, guestbook entries and telephone calls. Since Nicholas' passing, his primary nurse at the TCH-Denver has talked with us a few times and today we received a call from his doctor at the TCH-Denver. A warm, helpful conversation ensued and it reminded us of the amazing loving & attentive care Nicholas regularly received. It has always been a blessing for mom & dad to consistently experience the staff-at all levels-"being there" for Nicholas every step of the way: during good medical days and bad medical days. The medical staff has become friends and, here too, they have become family to us. Thank you…well instead of stating the names at these three hospitals that will take us down the alphabet…thank you all at CHO, LPCH, and TCH! You show what it means to care and Nicholas was and is benefiting from it in many dimensions, as well as mom & dad.
God is with us, He has placed you in our lives!
WHAT WAS READ TONIGHT
Nicholas knows that he is loved and tonight at his site dad read, "I Love You As Much…" by Laura Krauss Melmed. Here are the words:
Said the mother horse to her child, "I love you as much as a warm summer breeze."
Said the mother bear to her child, "I love you as much as the forest has trees."
Said the mother camel to her child, "I love you as much as the desert is dry."
Said the mother goose to her child, "I love you as much as the endless blue sky."
Said the mother sheep to her child, "I love you as much as the grass on the hill."
Said the mother mouse to her child, "I love you as much as the grain in the mill."
Said the mother goat to her child, "I love you as much as the mountain is steep."
Said the mother whale to her child, "I love you as much as the ocean is deep."
Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above-I love you as much as a mother (father) can love.
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 11:20 PM CDT
VIEWING SERVICE VIDEO
(From the "Viewing" the night before the Memorial Service)
The Video Tribute from the Memorial Service-that was set to poignant music including songs that Nicholas loved, and pictures including many of you-will soon be available. In the meantime, following is the web address to the view the Viewing Service video that was playing at Oakmont the night before the Celebration of Life services held on June 2, 2006. This video primarily shows Nicholas & family members, captions, and includes quiet music enabling soothing reflection moments.
Please go to www.mem.com; go to "Search" under the menu bar on the left side and enter "Gilbert" and press "GO;" then at the bottom of the page showing people with the last name of Gilbert select a "page" that reveals Nicholas; then click on Nicholas' name; then select "Music" under the menu bar on the right side of the page; turn your PC speakers on and you will then see, hear, and have another opportunity to reflect on Nicholas.
Again and again, we know we are blessed to have you in our lives and we thank you so very much.
REMINDER: WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***WE CANNOT LET GO***
It has now been 26 days since Nicholas has passed; along with the constant piercing and gut wrenching pain we are sporadically comforted by calling out "Father…" as we pray to God for His love. Remember, crying and praying with Nicholas was a comforting way to be closer to God as our crying enabled us to deeply connect with our feelings transforming them into words of prayer.
Because we cannot, or chose not to, let go we are so thankful for so many blessings received prior to and during the 552 days of all the "leukemia and bone marrow stuff." A June 8 guestbook entry from New York provided a poignant perspective: "…his seemed a life short of nothing but time." And we will hang on to last night's journal one more day as we, too, reflect on all of you and your amazing way that you love Nicholas and support us.
So one more time: bubbles, shooting star, what makes Nicholas happy, what Nicholas wants…
BUBBLES
Remember the bubbles jetting out from car windows after the Memorial Service, during the procession? Nicholas loves bubbles: they are full of light, color, and fun. PLEASE CLICK ON VIEW PHOTOS and scroll to the third picture to see the bubbles floating tonight at Nicholas' site. They were floating around and up, up to heaven to continually delight Nicholas.
CONCLUDING THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE RECAP
From the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life, Nicholas' passion and love guided their delivery and last night's journal concluded the recap of speakers and singers (please click on View Photos and scroll to the second picture to see the details of the overall celebration). And after the Nieuwsma girls blessed our ears and hearts with beautiful songs played on a harp, mom & dad reflected on Nicholas' life and the Celebration of his life.
REFLECTION
Mom & dad used a "shooting star" (not falling star) analogy asking what do many of us say when a shooting star is seen? The common answer…see it again! Keeping with this analogy, we will see Nicholas again, again, again…because Nicholas lives in our hearts in so many different ways for most, if not, all of us. Because of all your beautiful thoughts and prayers, and "because you livvve son, my world has twice as many stars in the sky."
We then shared Nicholas' responses to questions a couple of months ago by a Stanford-LPCH social worker that was very engaged with Nicholas and mom & dad since March 31, 2005. The responses were generated by an open, free-flowing conversation that we were aware of. Following are some of the questions along with Nicholas' responses:
What makes you happy?
-Playing with my toys
-Drawing and painting pictures
-Writing, board games, and card games
-Playing with friends
-Easter egg hunts
What makes you sad?
-I do not get sad much
What are things that you want?
-Go to Disneyland and the Monterey Bay Aquarium again
-When things hurt, for mom & dad to fix it
-I like it when mom rocks me
-I like it when dad hugs me when I do not feel good
-Super powers: being fire, really strong, stretch real far
-To fly
Well, Nicholas is flying with amazing powers at God's side, in God's hands, and in God-speed… We realize these truths AND we miss Nicholas' physical presence so much.
LIGHTING UP OUR WORLD
Concluding the celebration, once again Nicholas' song-of-love began to play. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about caring, passion, love, and so much more that is truly pieces of Nicholas continually lighting up our world.)
REMINDER: WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
________________________________________
Monday, June 19, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
BUBBLES
Remember the bubbles jetting out from car windows after the Memorial Service, during the procession? Nicholas loves bubbles: they are full of light, color, and fun. PLEASE CLICK ON VIEW PHOTOS and scroll to the third picture to see the bubbles floating tonight at Nicholas' site. They were floating around and up, up to heaven to continually delight Nicholas.
***CONCLUDING THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE RECAP***
From the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life, Nicholas' passion and love guided their delivery and last night's journal concluded the recap of speakers and singers (please click on View Photos and scroll to the second picture to see the details of the overall celebration). And after the Nieuwsma girls blessed our ears and hearts with beautiful songs played on a harp, mom & dad reflected on Nicholas' life and the Celebration of his life.
REFLECTION
Mom & dad used a "shooting star" (not falling star) analogy asking what do many of us say when a shooting star is seen? The common answer…see it again! Keeping with this analogy, we will see Nicholas again, again, again…because Nicholas lives in our hearts in so many different ways for most, if not, all of us. Because of all your beautiful thoughts and prayers, and "because you livvve son, my world has twice as many stars in the sky."
We then shared Nicholas' responses to questions a couple of months ago by a Stanford-LPCH social worker that was very engaged with Nicholas and mom & dad since March 31, 2005. The responses were generated by an open, free-flowing conversation that we were aware of. Following are some of the questions along with Nicholas' responses:
What makes you happy?
-Playing with my toys
-Drawing and painting pictures
-Writing, board games, and card games
-Playing with friends
-Easter egg hunts
What makes you sad?
-I do not get sad much
What are things that you want?
-Go to Disneyland and the Monterey Bay Aquarium again
-When things hurt, for mom & dad to fix it
-I like it when mom rocks me
-I like it when dad hugs me when I do not feel good
-Super powers: being fire, really strong, stretch real far
-To fly
Well, Nicholas is flying with amazing powers at God's side, in God's hands, and in God-speed… We realize these truths AND we miss Nicholas' physical presence so much.
LIGHTING UP OUR WORLD
Concluding the celebration, once again Nicholas' song-of-love began to play. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about caring, passion, love, and so much more that is truly pieces of Nicholas continually lighting up our world.)
***WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES***
As you have seen or learned, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation (www.nba.com/warriors/community/Nicholas_Colby_Gilbert_Auction.html), they are auctioning a special Warriors experience to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund. Please copy and paste the link above into your browser or go to the Warriors Home Page to access the "Warriors Fan Experience Auction" link for all the details about the auction (and see another picture of Nicholas with Thunder-his favorite mascot).
Remember, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas' legacy to live on-helping children be children.
NOTE: In case I did not state the correct Warriors link above for you to access the Warriors Foundation and their effort for Nicholas, I will provide it tomorrow night although beginning tomorrow (Monday) I believe you will be able to access complete information through the Golden State Warriors home page>Community>Warriors Foundation.
4:07 PM
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY
“Happy Father’s Day!” in a soft, warm, loving way would have been the first thing Nicholas said this morning—or just after midnight last night as we were often up until then. Today at church and a brief stop at a Farmer’s Market we were around children as any other day and, understandably, Nicholas was the lens for which we saw the children, the families, and the congregation. As gut wrenching difficult every moment continues to be, we see Nicholas in the world of our eyes, hearts, souls, and spirit. And amazingly, seeing Nicholas spiritually makes some of these encounters okay. Okay, we guess, because seeing Nicholas we still see God’s loving touch and perfect work although it is still so piercingly painful to be without Nicholas. We trust God’s love to deliver peace, comfort, and love although some things are still hard to understand.
One of our prayers on this Father’s Day is trusting God’s words to deliver what they say they will…and perhaps Nicholas is saying Happy Father’s Day to my father…and I believe I am feeling, really feeling, in my heart and soul that Nicholas’ spirit is delivering a kiss to me and patting my back with the gentle, loving touch his beautiful little hands always delivers!
Our Father’s Day wishes is that every father today, and everyday, continually cultivates and really “show” love to your family. It is so comforting to know—to really know—that the love shared is received, felt, and shares itself. When you wake up in the morning, when you may be away during the day, and when you go to sleep at night…knowing the high, active level of love shared within your family fuels your heart and soul to a point that comforts more than you would ever, ever, ever imagine. Love and really help your children to be children…
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Saturday, June 17, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ JUNE 2 CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Picking up from Thursday night, completing the recap will continue Sunday night and should be complete by Tuesday night.
MUSIC AND PRAYER ARE OUR BRIDGES GETTING US WHERE WE WANT TO GO
Throughout Nicholas’ journey in life, not just the leukemia and bone marrow journey, music has been a bridge for many of our conversations—many experiences and expressions. Our prayers have turned into songs and our songs have led to prayers.
You may remember the song, “Because You Live,” by Jesse McCartney that we would hear over and over on the Disney Channel. As much as many of you as well as mom & dad have used sunshine and star in conversations describing Nicholas, many months ago we modified the song, “Because You Live,” to fit how we felt. Remember, we sang it like this: “Because you livvve, son, my world, has twice as many stars in the sky…”
As we listen to the words since Nicholas’ passing, we choose to interpret part of the song and position it as another reason for us to carry on Nicholas’ passion for caring about children. Nicholas, himself, was a child in one respect; a beautiful, caring person in another respect; with a spirit that is so alive, at play, and still at work for God today. Following is a portion of the song flowing throughout our thoughts: “…Because you live there’s a reason why; I carry on when I lose the fight; I want to give what you’ve given me, always; because you live…”
***NOTE***
Please click on View Photos and scroll to the third picture showing the transition underway of the family/Nicholas’ site at Oakmont in Lafayette. (Other photos of the transition, and view to the right of the setting sun, are on the third album below under Links.)
***GET READY***
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a couple days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
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Friday, June 16, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Instead of last night, Sunday night we will share the “behind the scenes” message from Stanford-LPCH nurse practitioner Karen Kristovich, and the touching poem written by LPCH Dr. Gary Dahl referenced Thursday night. Also, we will share a very, very touching replay of an Open Mic Remembrance shared by Nicholas’ life long friend, Joey—whom Nicholas shared virtually every moment of his life. (Joey’s message will be shared as he wrote it, the sweet little friend that he is.)
TODAY AND TONIGHT
Mom & dad visited Nicholas’s site late morning before driving to a small town near Yosemite for a nephew’s high school graduation. The bench and bird-bath was installed at Nicholas’ site today to go along with all the plants added in the borders of the site and going down the slope toward Briones Regional Park. The Oakmont site in Lafayette is now the park-like setting that is so fit for Nicholas. As much as he loved everyone (you have seen it, heard it, or experienced his love) he also loved nature which is why we say the site is so fit for him. The walks we would take, the stroll along beaches, the gazing into the sky, it was all so beautiful. And it is still all so beautiful: beautiful “times” Nicholas equals heavenly walks, strolls, and gazes that we will share in our hearts and souls with Nicholas as he will with us!
Tonight up in the mountains, mom & dad were even closer to the stars which were so vivid and vibrant that it was truly as if we could touch them. The stars were densely speckled and brighter than bright. And we praise God for these moments reminding us of His love; these moments generate a lot of comfort knowing that Nicholas is more than all right. In a way, we believe that time now for Nicholas is in such a way that when we see him again (when ever that is), for him it will have been like he was at school for the day, or visiting a friend, or away having a play-date.
Following is something Nicholas would sing with us: “I do, I do, I do love you, I do love you, I do love you, I do—love you!” Our little sunshine, our angel, we know that you know we love you. We are so glad that we talked many times about “knowing” each of us loves the other and feeling it within our spirit and our souls. We miss Nicholas so, so much and really believe he is "playing and having fun!"
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a few days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
___________________________
Friday, June 16, 2006 1:59 PM CDT
***Update Since Last Night***
AMAZING RELATIONSHIP…WARRIORS FOUNDATION AND NBA CARES
The Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) relationship continues to vibrantly live with Nicholas! Through the Warriors Foundation and to be referenced on this CaringBridge site, in a few days you will have complete information about an online Warriors auction to benefit the Nicholas Colby Fund.
___________________________
Thursday, June 15, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
THE “NICHOLAS COLBY FUND”
Remember, in memory of our beautiful son—Nicholas Colby Gilbert—who will continue to vibrantly live in all of our lives, a non-profit Nicholas Colby Fund has been established by a dear friend of ours to help other children or children of parents who are sick or suffer setbacks—lovingly providing for children. While overall details about the Nicholas Colby Fund are being documented, please know that more information about the Fund will soon be provided.
Also, we will soon transition this CaringBridge site to a www.NicholasColbyFund.org site enabling continuance of the sharing all of us have been part of, making it more interactive, and enabling Nicholas’ legacy to live on—helping children be children.
Tax-Deductible Donations May Be Made To:
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall, PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
The celebration of Nicholas’ life continued with the Friends Remember segment, before transitioning to Open Mic Remembrances where family, friends, and new acquaintances in the audience directly participated by sharing stories about the experiences with Nicholas. Following is the replay of the last two speakers before Open Mic:
ANGEL, NICHOLAS
There was once a little angel in Heaven who decided to come down to Earth. In order to leave Heaven he had to give up his wings, full well knowing that being bound to Earth's physical laws would be a great weight and a challenge. Nevertheless he went, knowing he would touch many lives with love. This little angel touched many lives with love. He brought sunshine to his family and to many others.
Earth life was a great challenge, and this little angel encountered difficulties along the way, as do all angels who come to Earth, but he soldiered on. He missed being able to fly above the complexities of life. But it was at night, in his sleep, that he once again donned his angel wings and soared above the earthly realm, reveling in the soft breezes only found above the clouds.
One day this little angel was done with his time on Earth. He missed his wings, and his Heavenly Father missed him too. He called him Home again, meeting him at the door of Heaven with his cherished angel wings, which he donned immediately.
Now this little angel dances in the skies above us. He blows us kisses and whispers to us that the sun is still shining above the clouds, and that the stars still faithfully twinkle even when they are blocked from our sight. He is light as a feather now, with no more weights and cares, surrounded only by the all-encompassing love of Heaven.
Our hearts are with you, little angel. Thank you for braving the challenges of Earth to bring love to us, and thank you also for watching over us now. You will always be a reminder to us that our wings are also waiting, and someday we will soar together again, like we did once upon a time before our Earth lives.
It's only a matter of time before we are all together again in the light of a heavenly new day. Then there will be no regrets, no tears, only love and happiness, hugs, and heavenly music, times of fellowship and joy, and the spending of all eternity, together once again.
-Anonymous, read by Don Ellison
MESSAGE ABOUT NICHOLAS AND RELATIONSHIPS
Good Afternoon.
Today has been an opportunity for hundreds of people to give witness to how many lives a child can touch. Some of us were privileged to know Nicholas Colby Gilbert. Others know of him through their friendship with his parents Sheila and Lamont, his brothers, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles. Other people have the sense that they have known Nick because of the generosity of word and witness that his family has made on Nicholas’ website. His encounter with leukemia—a journey that lasted about a third of his life—is one what demonstrates enormous courage, resilience, faith, hope and especially love. I don’t really like the words: battle and fight—because they imply that there are winners and losers. Nicholas’ leukemia was very powerful—that is true—and the cures for it do not yet exist—but Nicholas was a winner—and oh, what a race he ran for us to admire.
As a Chaplain at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital, I have the privilege of meeting families from many faith traditions. It seems to me that a common thread is “relationship”. Relationship with a divine presence, which in this place we call God, manifested in God’s son Jesus Christ…or relationship with a sense of the universal or the natural world,…or relationship between human beings as the best example of creative life.
Nicholas was “all about relationship”. His natural exuberance and winning ways drew people to him under all conditions. Sheila and Lamont had nurtured such a confident, well-loved child that he was totally free to make connections with as many people as he could fit into his world. He never forgot a name and he made each of us believe that our arrival in his room at the hospital was the visit he had been waiting for all day.
When I first met Nicholas in the spring of 2005, he liked to pray. It was part of his family’s way of life and we were all optimistic, faithful, and confident. We sent Nicholas out of the hospital to enjoy his summer and thrive. By the fall, his condition had become unstable again and fear sat permanently in the back of the minds and hearts of those close to him. Perhaps even Nicholas sensed that all was not well—for he resisted returning to the hospital a few times. Sheila and Lamont courageously held their cherished hope for their child in one hand while they absorbed more and more sobering news in the other hand. Their “hope” was expressed in little ways—the desire for as much of a normal life as possible. One day, Nicholas asked why he was still getting “time outs” when he was so sick in the hospital. His parent’s reply: “because you need to be a thoughtful, kind person.” Live as if you’ll live forever!
During this time, Nicholas sent me away sometimes when I came in to pray. “No, thanks,” he’d say to my inquiry. When I finally figured out that our praying aloud together often caused his mom to cry, I told him we’d take a break—and I’d say my prayers out of the room. I wouldn’t ask him anymore “how are you today” and I wouldn’t ask his mom questions either. When I honored his rules…I could visit. You see…the chaplain is one of the hospital people you can throw out of your room and not suffer any consequences.
In late November, Lamont told me that Nicholas himself was praying aloud all day long—for healing, for God’s presence, for care of his family. Relationship! I asked Nicholas about his prayers and asked if he would be willing to pray for me because I was having a difficult week, meeting some new families. “Sure”, he said. And this six-year-old boy enveloped me with words of encouragement, challenge, gratitude and so much love. When I wrote him a note later that day, I told him that I had had a wonderful day with patients and families because I felt God so close to me.
Because we had shared prayers together, Nicholas and I became more comfortable with each other. We didn’t have deep, theological conversations. I think he had those with his Mom and Dad, which was more appropriate than with me. He would ask me to pray that he would be healed and be a normal kid.
The healing has occurred, but Nicholas Colby Gilbert was never a “normal” kid—he was extra-ordinary—one of a kind—gifted and joyous. In the Christian tradition, we read a particular passage of scripture at the baptism of children: it is the story of the adults around Jesus trying to discourage the crush of parents bringing their children to be touched by Jesus. “Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the realm of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the realm of God like a child shall not enter it.”
Nicholas understood this “realm” of God. He may have tried to bargain with God for time—just like he tried to bargain for a few more chips with salsa or another shrimp. I don’t believe Nicholas had any barriers with God—only relationship. For that, I am truly grateful—and will forever be reminded when I think of Nicholas, that love—love of a child—love LIKE a child-- makes ALL relationships possible.
Dr. Gary Dahl was one of Nicholas’ oncologists. Dr. Dahl writes poetry to express the deep feelings associated with his life work. He isn’t here today, but asked if I would read his poem for Nicholas. This is a poem of relationship—of connection—of faithful confidence—of a life lived fully.
And I say to you—the Gilberts’ friends and family—remember relationship—in Nicholas’ style. Stay close to Sheila and Lamont and their boys. Give them your love, your laughter, your “check-in”, your home-cooked meals, your prayers, your faith. That is how we will all continue to honor Nicholas.
-Written and read by Reverend Marilyn Corvin, Stanford-Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital
NOTE: Tomorrow we will share the “behind the scenes” message from Stanford-LPCH nurse practitioner Karen Kristovich, and the touching poem written by LPCH Dr. Gary Dahl referenced above. Also, we will share a very, very touching replay of an Open Mic Remembrance shared by Nicholas’ life long friend, Joey (whom Nicholas shared virtually every moment of his life).
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS’ LIFE WAS/IS CERTAINLY NOT IN VAIN
Today hurt so much, not for any specific memory triggered, it just hurt so much not having Nicholas physically with us. Yes…we know, trust, and believe Nicholas is having a heavenly time in God’s hands—and he absolutely deserves EVERYTHING an angel deserves because he gave all of himself, and is giving, in so many ways for the joy of others.
Recent Guestbook entries and a couple specific telephone calls today, clearly let us know that God’s love for Nicholas is lively working through Nicholas even today, as we have said before, love is begetting love. Like the poems in yesterday’s journal that were read during the June 2, 2006 Celebration of Life, the song and poem below let us know that God is God, good is good, and love will beget love…God will provide for us as well.
A walk on the trail right next to our home provided some warmth, comfort, and beauty: in the air, in the sky, in our thoughts, in our memories, in our senses…and in conversations with friends on the trail as well. We could feel Nicholas’ presence all around us: the warm breeze was like his breath against our cheeks as we would cuddle, the twinkling of the stars were like his eyes sparkling as we would gaze into each others eyes, and the sweet scent of the flowers were like the wonderful scent of his skin as we would gently kiss goodnight or any other time we could sneak one in. We miss his physical presence so deeply; we pray for God’s comfort to help us through this.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
As the celebration of Nicholas’ life began to flow, Ed Harris, Sr. sang— A-Cappella (no instruments)— a slow, beautifully penetrating song titled, “If I Can Help Somebody.” For those who know and are beginning to know Nicholas, most likely you will feel and see Nicholas’ smiling face & gentle touch in the words and the rhythm of the music. Then, the first of our last three speakers, Gina Baker, read a poem titled, “I’m Free,” that she wrote for Nicholas. As you read the words, here too, you will see that it speaks of our little sunshine—Nicholas, the words are so comforting to mom and dad. The recap of June 2 have enabled mom & dad to focus on Nicholas in the celebratory way that he lived. We thank all of you for being part of the celebration as your presence and actions are gifts to us. And the gifts are because of Nicholas who continues to vibrantly live in all of us!
IF I CAN HELP SOMEBODY
(The version sang is from the original motion picture soundtrack for Fried Green Tomatoes, and originally sung by Aaron Hall.)
If I can help as I pass along
If I cheer somebody with a word or song
If I can show somebody he is traveling wrong
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can do my duty as a good man ought
If I can bring back beauty to world of wrought
If I can spread loves message that the master taught
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
Then my living shall not be in vain
If I can help somebody as I pass along
Then my living shall not be in vain
-Sung by Ed Harris. Sr. at Nicholas’ Celebration of Life
I’M FREE
I’m in your heart and you’re in mine.
We’ll be there ‘til the end of time.
I’m with you always don’t worry so,
It was just time for me to go.
I’m free now and everything is okay,
I can run and jump, and laugh and play.
Swing on the stars that’s what I will do,
Or fly to the moon, that will be fun too.
Next, to the beach I must go,
And play with the dolphins that I love so.
The clouds are a fun place to laze about,
I’m free, I’m free, can you hear me shout?!
No worries and no care,
In your dreams you will see me there.
I’m in the stars, I’m on the moon,
I’m flying round and around, zoom-zoom.
I’m watching over you from above,
And spreading around my heavenly love.
-Written and read by Gina Baker
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Tuesday, June 13, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
WHAT A DIFFERNCE A DAY—WELL GOD—MAKES
It seems like just as Nicholas’ journey was long, our journey with this “new normal” is long and it has only been 19 days. Mom & dad were reminded today that missing Nicholas so badly and hurting could be two different things. Two different things because God does not have Nicholas in Heaven for us to be hurting…although missing him is certainly understandable because he was and continues to be so amazing in terms of love begetting love… This knowledge does not make everything okay; however, this knowledge certainly helps us to focus our prayers and understanding that God loves all of us and His love begets love and love will help ease, at least, the pain away.
GUESTBOOKS AND EMAILS FROM YOU TODAY LINK SO WARMLY
We received a couple of emails today that were consistent with the above understanding as well as some of today’s Guestbook entries—thank you so, so much for these and no doubt your prayers. We say it again, what have we done to be so blessed with your—all of you—friendship?
And the Guestbook entries along with the emails referenced above, as well as readings from the beginning of the Celebration of Life on June 2, 2006 are aligned with the goodness of God during this terribly hard time…
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
The Memorial Session and Interment Session were as much as a Celebration of Life as the third and final component positioned as the Celebration of Life. After some lively stories about Nicholas, our nieces, Felecia and Stephanie, read the following poems, respectively:
I’M FREE
Don’t grieve for me, for I’m free,
I am following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then remember it with remembered joy.
A friendship shred, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with time of sorrow,
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full and savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
To live in the hearts we leave behind is certainly not to die.
-Read by Felecia (Nicholas’ cousin)
A HOPI PRAYER OF THE SOUL’S GRADUATION
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in a morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there,
I did not die.
For everything beautiful that you see,
Will bring everlasting memory of me.
-Read by Stephanie (Nicholas’ cousin)
NOTE: Tomorrow the recap will continue with the song, “If I Could Help Somebody” sung by Ed Harris, and a poem from the first of three speakers, Gina Baker.
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Monday, June 12, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
STILL TRUSTING AND BELIEVING
As hard as EVERYTHING has been during the last 18 days, we still trust and believe God to be God and His love to provide what love provides—EVERYTHING. Love is simply and wonderfully perfect and pure and provides everything perfect and pure. Of course, we do not know God’s plans; however, we trust and believe God is perfectly providing for Nicholas in heaven and His love warms our hearts where our hearts sometimes seem to feel so cold, chilled and shaking wanting to be sure Nicholas is full of endless love that provides EVERYTHING…
Remember, we would talk and pray with Nicholas regarding a “new normal” for him as he was navigating all of the “leukemia and bone marrow stuff” and now we talk and pray asking God to help us with our “new normal.” We cannot just move on and we do not want to just move on; we are diligently praying and acting toward this “new normal” and while we trust and believe, it hurts so much moment-by-moment. And we realize that God being God will provide for us, He will comfort us although we first want to know that Nicholas is completely comforted—wanting nothing, full of God’s love providing EVERYTHING. We love Nicholas so!
FRIENDS (THANK YOU GOD)
We know that we are blessed and your love directly and indirectly is amazing. Being the way you have been and continue to be lets us know that we are so blessed. We thank God everyday for you and how you show up in our lives (when we know that you have your lives to live and you include us in living your lives). From meals, to walks, to talks, to love begetting love, we know we are blessed.
All of you…thank you! Tonight, the Nieuwsma girls had mom & dad visit as they indulged us with homemade-baked treats along with tea. And Victoria (the eldest) treated us with peaceful & soothing music from a Harp. As hard as everything has been, the sounds were more than music to our hearts and souls, it was simply heavenly and reassuring in a way that seemed to remind us that Nicholas is in God’s hands and there are absolutely no better hands to be in—not even the loving hands of mom & dad. The song she played was “Purcell’s Ground In F.”
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Before the Interment concluded and the third component of Nicholas’ services—the Celebration of Life—began there was a quiet moment mom & dad had with the keeper of the doves. In that moment, the keeper read and gave us the following poem”
Why God Takes Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love,
For no heartaches compares with the death of one small child,
Who does so much to make our world seems so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow.
God knows how much we need them, and so he takes but few,
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “Good-bye.”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children: “Angels” are hard to find!
___________________________
Sunday, June 11, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
YOUR LOVE STILL AMAZES US
Today we learned that Nicholas’ favorite Japanese restaurant, Blue Ginko, served up some of Nicholas’ favorite items—Edamame, Shrimp tempura, and California rolls to some of you visiting Lafayette. And when we visited Nicholas’ Oakmont site this evening, we found a soothing blend of Hawaiian and Californian love through flowers and some sweets left. The deer will love his site even more tonight! And we sure do love all of your continued love and support directly and indirectly felt, thank you very, very much!
***TRANSITIONING TO THE INTERMENT SERVICE***
As the Video Tribute was concluding the Memorial Service, the last picture was a profile of Nicholas, the one seen on the back of the “program” above. Remember, Nicholas was always asking, “Do you want a piece of me?” In Nicholas’ way at the Memorial Service, he was saying, “You will always have a piece of me…” To that end, everyone leaving the Memorial Service received a puzzle piece of Nicholas (from a puzzle made with the profile image).
In addition to the puzzle piece, everyone received a bottle of bubbles and during the procession to the Interment Service, bubbles were streaming from windows of cars from Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church to the Oakmont Memorial Park. (Photos of bubbles coming from cars will also be in the upcoming Celebration of Life photo album.)
BUBBLES AND LOVE FOR MILES
We have heard lots of stories about the length of the procession and we learned that after seeing the size of the love at the Memorial Service, Oakmont Memorial Park called in and immediately received additional motorcycle escorts for the procession. QUESTION: What are your stories about the bubbles, procession, and Nicholas?
THE INTERMENT
Lovingly stated, the interment was about love…a soloist singing “Amazing Grace,” doves released by mom & dad, and butterflies released with many of them staying close by before flying off into the wind at the family Oakmont site. (The upcoming Celebration of Life photo album will include these beautiful moments of the celebration.)
Amazing Grace modified and sung, A-Cappella (no instruments), by Sarah Bannwart:
Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a soul like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind but now I see.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come.
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home.
Yes, when this heart and flesh shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a soul like me!
I once was lost, but now I know I am found;
He was blind but now Nicholas can see...
***
NOTE: Please stay tuned as we are even closer to providing the details about the Nicholas Colby Fund so you, too, can continually rejoice in knowing that Nicholas’ passion for caring about people will continually thrive…
___________________________
Saturday, June 10, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
ANOTHER EVENING OF SHARING WITH NICHOLAS
Tonight at the family Oakmont site, mom & dad had pistachios (another Nicholas favorite). Again, while we recognize that the site just holds Nicholas’ body and that his spirit and soul are freely soaring and playing in Heaven and all around us, being at the site daily is another way for us to be close to Nicholas. (We do not need to be at the site to be close spiritually and through “heavenly ways,” we chose to be at the site to be close in this physical way.)
Remember the trees on both sides of the family site, the one on the left can be seen in the third picture under View Photos. A few days ago on that tree we hung a rectangular-caged bird feeder with a mixture of bird food compressed into a block that sits in the caged feeder. At home, Nicholas always loved seeing the birds eating from our bird feeder and splashing around in the birdbath. On the Oakmont grounds and in the air there are plenty of birds including hawks (soaring over Briones Regional Park behind our site), butterflies, squirrels, deer, etc. While there are plenty of birds, the bird feeder is just another touch for Nicholas and the last few days it seems the birds have been enjoying their treat. However, this evening the cage was open and the blocked-food was gone—it appears the squirrels wanted the treat for themselves (we catch them at home leaning over the gutter from the roof trying to get to the bird seeds).
Note: While the grounds crew at Oakmont are putting in the ground cover and plants in the left, right, and back borders of the family site, soon we will have a curved concrete-like bench and bird bath placed on the site.
NICHOLAS AND SONGS: CREATED, MODIFIED, AND SANG
There are so many songs that we regularly sang with and to Nicholas throughout his entire life. Sometimes we sang them the way they were written, sometimes we created songs, and sometimes we modified songs to fit Nicholas or the situations we were experiencing. A favorite modified song had the following verse and it was flowing throughout our hearts tonight:
You’re my love,
You’re my angel,
You’re dream of a son,
I’d like to thank you,
For the waiting patiently,
Yehhh
Daddy is home,
Your daddy is home,
To stay,
I’m not a million miles away…
Many of us have heard that “home is where your heart is!” And home seems to generally be viewed as a place where one is safe, comforted, and loved. As hard as all this has been for 16 days now, we continually pray for God’s love to continually do what It does for Nicholas as well as mom & dad and our other boys. Thinking about the verse above, we feel how much Nicholas is loved as an angel and son of God, that he is home with God, and that he is not a million miles away—he is with us as a loving angel every day.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
As we begin to close the recap of the Memorial Service and transition to the Interment Service, we think back how June 2, 2006 began:
- Nicholas’ song-of-love playing as mom & dad and Nicholas’ brothers walked in with Pastor Tom Dabasinskas. (It is the song playing in the background once this site is accessed; are your PC speakers on right now for you to hear his song about love, about people?)
- Welcome and Prayer
- Friends and Family Remember, six recounts of experiences with Nicholas weaving the joy, laughter, and love that contagiously spread from and to Nicholas
- Soloist performing a song called, “Held”
- Spiritual Message by Pastor Tom Dabasinskas
Then, mom & dad said a few words about Nicholas and everyone in his life, before introducing a Video Tribute about Nicholas—positioning pictures, songs, and you as the ingredients that helped to make Nicholas’ life amazingly special.
Mom & dad talked about a story with “this little boy” (Nicholas), “people” (everyone present and directly or indirectly part of his life), “this lady” (who started the Nicholas Colby Fund), “this lady” again, “people” again, and “this little boy” again.
Mom & dad then talked about conversations we would have with Nicholas, specifically, about always knowing that no matter if we could not see each other, if we could not feel each other, hear each other, or simply were apart, we would know—just know—that each of us would “always” be in the other’s heart and each of us would feel safe, comforted, and loved.
We then talked about a surprise gift that was placed on our doorstep before we were to leave for the Memorial Service. The gift (from that amazing lady again) was a “star” officially re-named "Nicholas Colby" and a framed document & framed map from the International Star Registry providing details about Nicholas' star. The registered star is now “Nicholas Colby” and the coordinates are: Hercules RA 18h 18m 23.34s D15° 49’ 14.52”
So we talked about the sky, Nicholas-as always our shinning star, and another modified verse of a song that we sing (we would hear from the Disney Channel by Jesse McCartney): “Because you live son, my world, has twice as many stars in the sky…”
And then we turned to the large screen as the Video Tribute began (remember, soon it will be available to experience again).
___________________________
Friday, June 9, 2006 11:08 PM CDT
UPDATED PHOTOS, UPDATED PHOTOS
Photos from Denver are now available on the third album below, under Links. Please scroll toward the end of that album to see Nicholas' one-on-one love with mom, with dad, his brothers, The Children's Hospital-Denver nurses, Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck, Brent's Place staff, and a baby at TCH-Denver.
Photos from the Celebration of Life including the bubbles, doves, butterflies, and you are upcoming.
IT IS SO HARD TO GO ON
Today marks 15 days since Nicholas has passed and 15 days that he has been free, “truly” playing and having fun because he is free off all earthly ills. However, it is so very hard, everyday to breathe, to go about the day even though we are going about the days loving him, and loving the work that we are concentrating on that he would be doing…the Nicholas Colby Fund.
Tonight at his Oakmont site, we had chips & salsa. Remember, he loved chips & salsa so much that he even negotiated for them with the doctors during some medical challenges that he faced.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the message delivered by the 5th of six family and friends speakers (although the immediate-previous journals included the first four, the sixth, and the song that was sung during the Memorial Service). The 5th speaker, Marie Andel, is from AAA and many of you will remember the amazing ways AAA has supported mom & dad along this journey, even now. Like the Golden State Warriors in many regards, it is one thing to say that you are an organization that cares about people; it is another thing to not only show that but also “be that—a caring organization.”
“It is quite overwhelming to be here today talking to all of you after hearing those amazing words and seeing Lamont and Sheila's family. Sheila and Lamont's love and faith have been truly inspiring and is evidenced by their beautiful children.
Lamont and I have talked from time to time over the past year and a half. We would talk about Nicholas and his prognosis, how he was feeling and what he was up to. We agreed in the past few months that we needed a miracle. It was pretty obvious to us - that was what was needed. I suspect many of you have been praying for one, too. Well, we got one. True, we may not have got precisely the one we were asking for but we aren't in charge, are we? But we truly got a miracle. At least that is what I call it when a little boy is able to affect so many people in such positive ways. Just look around the room at all these people, at how many lives were touched by Nicholas.
Nicholas reminded us how important it is to treat each moment we have together as a gift.
He taught us how families need to pull together when times are tough - he taught us to redefine what families are.
He reminded us what is important in life.
He reminded us that it is not always the destination that is important but the journey.
It has been quite a journey for Nicholas and I am comforted by the knowledge that he is in a wonderful place now.
Many of you know that Nicholas had recently taken to the phrase "do you want a piece of me?" And we are grateful for the piece of himself that he gave all of us. Thank you, Nicholas.
Lamont and Sheila - I hope you know that you have so many friends who love you very much.”
___________________________
Thursday, June 8, 2006 10:55 PM CDT
BEFORE CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE
Mom & dad and Nicholas’ brothers are so grateful for the continued support & love flowing our way through individual and group actions from family, friends, and even new friends that we have not known until now. Nicholas’ spirit is fully present and amazingly touching us in warm, caring, loving ways. And we recognize that through your direct and indirect support and love, how you continue to show up in our lives is completing the circle of love that we have coined, “love begetting love.”
Thank you for staying with us, your presence on the Guest Book, and staying tuned for the details about the Nicholas Colby Fund. There is so, so much to share and we are getting really close to doing just that so you, too, can rejoice in knowing that Nicholas’ passion for caring about people will continually thrive…
And now, on with our recap of Nicholas’ June 2, 2006 Celebration of Life!
But first, tonight’s reading at Nicholas’ site was “Zack’s Alligator” by Shirley Mozelle. Nicholas’ favorite part was about the meatloaf sandwiches.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
After our six family and friends speakers whose presentations are in the previous journals, the Memorial Service transitioned into song. Mom’s life-long friend, Linda Freitas (who, at dad’s request, actually cut Nicholas’ umbilical cord when he was born) sang a song, “Held,” that is sung by Natalie Grant.
NOTE: Soon online we will have this song, along with other songs at the Celebration, and the video tribute. In the meantime, you could probably go to your music server (like Yahoo Music to see the video and hear the song).
Held by Natalie Grant, sung at Nicholas’ Celebration of Life by Linda Freitas:
Two months is too little
They let him go they had no sudden healing
To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens, to us who have died to live it’s unfair
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell we’d be Held
This hand is bitterness we want to taste it,
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow!
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell we’d be Held
If hope is born of suffering,
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be Held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was—“when everything fell, we’d be Held”
We’d be Held
And this is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell, we’d be Held
This is what it means to be Held!
___________________________
Wednesday, June 7, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
LOVE AND PRAYERS
This evening mom & dad went to Nicholas’ site at Oakmont Memorial Park in Lafayette as we have everyday (please click on View Photos and scroll to the third picture). We recognize that this spot is just a resting place for his body as his spirit is all around us, everywhere that we are, so the time at his site is just a connection place—and it is such a beautiful place with the gentle breeze flowing over the mountain ridges and softly sweeping through the valleys, along with a view of Mount Diablo to the East and the sun setting to the West.
Tonight we did a few of his favorite things at his Oakmont site: Flew a small kite, read “I Want To Be Somebody New!” by Robert Lopshire, and prayed. Our prayers are grounded in love and understanding. On the understanding, we trust and believe God’s words while we do struggle so very, very much not having Nicholas physically with us. And we know, we just feel and trust that Nicholas is absolutely in a better place—even with our amazing love for Nicholas, we cannot selfishly want him here when he is lively, angelically, and heavenly flourishing along God’s side.
Along Nicholas’ journey we gave praise for the way, with God, Nicholas was navigating the treatments, set backs, and new medical challenges. As we reflect, we are so grateful for the additional time—time after time—we had with Nicholas when all medical interventions did not result in what we were hoping for although miraculously Nicholas came through loving, living, and loving some more. Perhaps, God was allowing Nicholas to touch more lives in more places such as Denver. Well, instead of “perhaps” we say “to God’s plan” Nicholas was doing God’s work; God was fulfilling Nicholas and preparing Nicholas; God lovingly enabled a warm and soothing transition for Nicholas with so many of you present two weeks ago tomorrow (May 25, 2006); and for God & all of us (especially children) Nicholas is still in our lives in amazing ways. Through the Nicholas Colby Fund, Nicholas will continually touch all of our hearts bringing smiles on our faces, especially children.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the contents from the sixth message, from Dave Nieuwsma (a family friend), delivered during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. Tomorrow it will be the words and other information to the song, "Held," sung by our family friend—Linda Freitas—after the Friends and Family Remember portion...
THE REST OF THE STORY
One might think that Nicholas’ story began January 27,2000 (the day he was born) and ended May 25,2006 (the day he passed away.) Is that the end of the story? Is that all there is? Do we close the book? Not exactly! His story began long before January 2000—before the foundation of the world, actually, and continues today. In fact, his story does not end—it is a forever story. It is a story that shows God’s omniscience, His omnipotence and omnipresence. It is a story of hope, of joy, and of peace.
God is an omniscient God. He is all-knowing. God knew before he was born that Nicholas would be with us exactly 6 years, 3 months and 28 days. Psalm 139 says, “For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Before the foundation of time, God knew the exact number of breaths Nicholas would take, every word he would say, how many lives he would touch. Luke 12:7 tells us God knows the number of hairs on our heads. For Nicholas, I’m not sure if that was before or after chemo. Actually, it was before, during AND after his treatment.
God had a plan for Nicholas, as He does for each of us. The Bible tells us, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“ God knew exactly what He wanted to accomplish in Nicholas’ life. Nicholas was very efficient—he got the job done in 6 ½ years. It’s taking a little longer for the rest of us.
God knew every pain Nicholas felt, every tear that fell from his eyes, every smile that would cross his face. Right now Nicholas is feeling no pain, he is shedding no tears. I am sure he is smiling a lot, though. The Scriptures tell us in Revelation 21:4—“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away…” He said, “I am making everything new.”
God can make all things new. He is an omnipotent God—He is all-powerful. He can do anything.
Nicholas liked to play a game—“I’ve got the power.” I wonder how well that’s going over with God. Nicholas, you may have the power, but God has ALL the power. Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” The awesome God of the universe, who spoke the world into existence, created Nicholas (with a little help from Lamont & Sheila.) God created the sunshine, he created the rain. He made the oceans, with the dolphins Nicholas loved so much. He made the deserts. God created man in His own image--he made Nicholas like Him. He made you and me like Him, too.
God knows everything, He can do anything and He is everywhere (omnipresent.)
God has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5.) Many have wondered how Lamont & Sheila have made it through all the ups and downs of the past 18 months. Their hope & peace has been in the Lord. God has & always will be with them & with all who trust Him. He has been with Nicholas throughout the whole journey.
He was there when Nicholas was initially diagnosed with leukemia in November of 2004. He was there in April of 2005 when Nicholas received his bone marrow transplant. God was there when Nicholas relapsed in September 2005. He was there in November 2005 when the doctors reported a partial remission. He was there when Nicholas relapsed in January of this year. He has been with the Gilberts from Children’s Hospital in Oakland to Lucille Packard Medical Center at Stanford to Children’s Hospital in Denver, Colorado. God has been there the whole time through all the ups and downs, good news and bad news, home to hospital and back again. How have they survived through it all?
Philippians 4 says: “Rejoice in the Lord always. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
God gives a peace the world cannot understand, joy in the midst of pain and a hope that does not disappoint. His omniscience, omnipotence & omnipresence surround us.
Nicholas’ story is not over. His time here on earth has been a preface to eternity—the rest of the story. God makes a promise in his Word. John 3:16 tells us that God loves us so much He sent His one and only Son to die for us. Whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
Our hope & prayer is that each one here will have the peace that only God can give. There will come a time for each of us to say good-bye to this world & enter eternity. Will you be ready?
I will conclude my words with a hymn (Don’t worry—I’m not going to sing it, just read the words…)
“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand; all other ground is sinking sand…”
Dave Nieuwsma
___________________________
Tuesday, June 6, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
MOM & DAD HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SHARE AND GIVE
Keeping with our sharing of the Memorial Service, Interment Service, and Celebration of Nicholas’ Life from last Friday through recapping that day, it will include the thoughts we shared during the overall celebration as well. Those initial thoughts will be shared in a few days, followed by our other thoughts.
However, as we think about our hearts and lives since May 25, 2006, it is God who we lean on (as we did when Nicholas was navigating all the “leukemia and bone marrow stuff”) to guide us through each day. It is not easy at all, as the knots in our stomachs are present 24-hours a day. And we think about the different types of “knots”-so to speak that Nicholas was dealing with every day for 552 days.
Our focus was to love and help to protect, guide, and see Nicholas through ensuring that things were being done “for” him and not “to” him. As his mother and father, we imagine, we feel, we trust, and we believe God as our mother/father is loving us in every imaginable and unimaginable way toward seeing us through the gut-wrenching times of our lives associated with the loss of Nicholas. And we are reminded that our loss is not a loss for Nicholas for he has found his place at our Father’s side and that is the right place to be. We struggle with balancing our thinking toward this understanding and continually pray, trust, and focus on love in every aspect to better understand and to guide our understanding.
MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN CHILDREN’S LIVES
As the Nicholas Colby Fund continues to ramp up, the opportunities to tangibly make a difference in the lives of children are coming together very nicely. And the solid, favorable impact on their lives is expected to also provide love in the hearts of their parents and/or loved ones.
Remember, love begetting love that we often wrote about in Nicholas’ journals? Well, Nicholas’ rays of sunshine are warming our hearts and his endless passion for caring about others, via the Nicholas Colby Fund, continues to amaze—love begetting love. The Fund is getting closer and closer to providing to you the loving details that will make amazing differences in children’s lives.
Once again, the Golden State Warriors (professional basketball team) are amazing us with their support and love for Nicholas via the Nicholas Colby Fund. Here too, details will soon be provided.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the contents from the fourth message, from Nicholas’ teacher Ms. Shirley, delivered during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service.
“Nicholas Gilbert began his journey to Diablo Valley Montessori in 2002 when his family followed a favorite teacher from a school that was closing in Moraga. Her name was Lani, and Manmeet was one of his teachers there also.
Then he came to Jenny and Lani’s class and he was there one year, then to Shirley, Jessica, and Moni’s class in 2003-4 until he left us in what I now term unforgettable November. All totaled Nicholas spent almost 480 hours at Diablo Valley Montessori. He came when Sheila could part from him (always late, but now considered heavenly minutes), but I had late quality time with him as mom rarely arrived until 6:00PM or after.
Children left long periods of time are considered typical students, especially in the Montessori framework. After everyone left, our practical life activities included sweeping, turning off lights, putting away snacks and drying dishes. After all chores were done, he liked to watch Crosby’s Little Bill-loving Alice the Great Grandmother who had so much respect on that show and laughing our sides out at Elephant, Bills little hamster.
One episode concerned, ironically, a visit to the hospital. Also ironically, this was his favorite. It had a Hip Hop rock that said, “I broke my arm, it hurts so bad, gotta go to hospital” with all the correct gyrating movements of a good Hip Hopper. He loved that song and would parade around the rug (often with me in tow) chanting those words.
I haven’t watched Little Bill since November 04.
He was an excellent student, once he could stop being social-and was well on his way to solid academic work before his arm hurt. All of his teachers fell in love with him and in our role at Montessori, this is easy to do with each child. From the time a little one, from 3 months to 5 years is admitted, they are welcomed both socially, spiritually and physically.
Early in the Toddler Class he showed unusual friendly welcoming skills. He wanted to know each name of any adult or child coming through the door and would remember it the next time he saw them.
He was a physical child and loved to run and climb, sandbox play, modeling skills, and sit and chat with either the children or teachers. He showed great gross movement skills with kickball and basketball and T-Ball.
As a typical 4 year old, he had his moments-most of them jolly and funny. Take the Popsicle incident. Hearing that Popsicles had been served for a party in Suzette’s class, some other mates including brave Ben and Nicholas climbed up on stools, opened the fridge and helped themselves to Popsicles when they were supposed to be simply going pee.
Of course, they wore the evidence. Obvious with mouths and lips resembling bright orange and Nicholas was chagrined that he not only had to buy the Popsicles to replace them, but carry them in front of his peers and apologize to Suzette...
One day he had been a bit aggressive with a little girl on a slide. I will never forget as Lamont came, he held Nicholas back from the group to reiterate my request that he never push people down the slide. Lamont had on a brown suit and lovingly had his arm around Nicholas explaining everything. I thought to myself then what special parents Sheila and Lamont were to always support positive attitudes and loving behavior towards others.
He has been my companion, my student, my buddy and my willing listener. As an older person in his life, I have shared more of my life with him as a kid then I have any other child because we have had such alone times-which now I review as extraordinarily precious.
His favorite story involved the Hawaiian state fish and every time we would come to it in the book, he would take the cue and say it- Humuhumu-nukunuku-a pua a. When he went to Hawaii to swim with the dolphins, he went around impressing everyone there with his Hawaiiana store of knowledge, knowing the state bird, mammal, fish, flower. He knew that Queen Lilliokalani wrote Aloha Oe and the circumstances under which she was tested writing that song at Iolani Palace.
At a luau, one of my favorite pictures is Nicholas looking at a petite Tahitian dancer as she is wearing the most amazing coconuts on top. I’ve seen those before, but never in a coconut.
His favorite friends were Brandon, Amanda, Jessica, Kierra and Teddy. Teddy was his host on nights this past year when he came into his old Montessori classroom and we had night school. He went right back to materials he had used and was open and willing to re-learn ones he had forgotten. He was becoming a perfectionist. If it wasn’t right, he would erase it. Joining the other 2 at snack table was bit of what it was like before, and Lamont and Sheila wisely pulled away and just let him enjoy himself.
These children were amongst many who adored and loved Nicholas. Now they will never forget him, as one always remembers going through a first leaving. At our luau on Sunday, we will have a huge picture of Nicholas in Silhouette against a Hawaiian sunset sky. Whether we remember his smile, his fabulous sense of humor and monkey-boy-ness, his lovingness and helpfulness to others, he had it all wrapped up in one.
We were lucky the other school closed and that Lani motivated the family to bring him to us. Those almost 500 hours with us were extraordinary and I now read a cute story:
I wanted to share the story that Sheila told me about her Mothers Night experience a few years back. Sheila overheard a mother shushing her little boy. He seemed to be trying to say something important. Sheila couldn’t help overhearing, and breaking out in laughter, when she heard the boy point at Nicholas and say, “Look at him, his mommy is white and his daddy is blue!”-Author unknown.”
I now share Lanis thoughts about Nicholas:
“Unforgettable Nicholas-He would ask every person who came through the door what their name was, never had to ask twice and always remembered and greeted them by name everyday.
The teachers at that school would come into my classroom in the morning just to look at and talk to this beautiful, precocious child.
Somehow I know Nicholas is standing beside St. Peter at the gate to Heaven greeting each newcomer, and he already knows their name. Lovingly, Your Teacher-Miss Lani”
___________________________
Monday, June 5, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the third message during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. (Tomorrow it will be the message that was presented by his teacher, Ms. Shirley.)
Hi, my name is KJ Estudillo and I am 13-years-old. Thank you, Lamont and Sheila, for allowing me to speak today. I am deeply honored and touched. My heart goes out to you, Chris, Tim and Matt.
I first met Nicholas last June, 2005 at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto. He was in Suite 101 and I was in Suite 102. I kinda knew we were both at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at the same time, but because we
were both bone marrow transplant patients and we were immunosurpressed, I couldn’t be out of my room to see the other kids at 2-North.
But after my 36-day stay at the hospital, I met Nicholas when we lived atthe Ronald McDonald House. Nicholas would knock on my door every morning…okay, noon and night…my father would answer the door and Nicholaswould always, say, “Can KJ come out and play?” We would play video
games or watch a DVD. We would play like typical boys…like fake sword fighting, pretending we were in Star Wars, or running up and down the hallways with another bone marrow transplant patient named Jacob (Hi Anne). There
was never a bad time for me to play with Nicholas; I could play with him 24 hours a day…okay…when I’m not sleeping or eating.
And how could I even forget the times Sheila would make lunch for Nicholas and me? Thanks, Sheila. Lunches with Nicholas every day made me really feel like we were brothers.
What was really special were the times Nicholas and me would cuddle on the couch at night with our mothers watching a DVD (and he had a huge collection!)…and then breaking at 9 p.m. for our IV drip hydration. Or the
times Sheila and my mom would work on a 1000-piece puzzle and then have me and Nicholas put in the final piece.
Who could forget Nicholas with cash money on one hand, his brown doll named “Nicholas” and his favorite clothing on the other hand? Always attached to his t-shirt was a heavy pin holding up his Broviac catheter. Oh yes, did we dread that thing attached to our chest. Well, Nicholas, you finally got that Broviac off of you!
When Nicholas left the Ronald McDonald House, we continued our friendship and I would visit him in Lafayette, …or wherever he was…he was sure to call and tell me.
My father and I had our plane tickets to board a flight to Denver for last Friday, only to have Lamont call us on Wednesday telling us Nicholas was flying back to Stanford.
I last spoke to Nicholas several weeks ago when we were talking about my trip to visit him in Denver, and I was counting down the days with him. I told him I couldn’t wait to see him, and the last thing I said to him was
“I love you, Nicholas”, and he said, “I love you, too.” That’s how we would always end our phone calls.
Yes, my heart aches for my best little buddy. I am so, so sad he is gone. I can’t even believe he passed away. And I was so honored to be in the room last May 25th when Nicholas took his last breath. As I watched his
blood pressure on the monitor go down to zero, I held his right hand and I shouted, “Thank you God for sending us a guardian angel.”
And that is exactly what Nicholas is to us all…an ANGEL.
What has Nicholas taught us? For only a 6-year-old boy, Nicholas taught the world so much---more than anyone even 10 times his age could teach us. But for me, he taught me several things:
1. Nicholas taught me about strength and courage. Being in
middle school, there can be so much pre-teen drama. One of my classmate said, “she hates life and life sucks.” I told her I know a 5-year-old boy who is fighting leukemia, what can YOU possibly complain about?! What can I complain about?!
2. Nicholas taught me not to complain. While I was recovering from my bone marrow transplant, I would have to take about 18 pills a day. Some, like cyclosporine were huge elephant-like pills, which smelled like rotten egg, and I had to take about 5 of those a day. Now I was then
12-years-old, so I can swallow pills. But Nicholas couldn’t swallow pills then, and either Sheila had to grind up the pills or give them to him in liquid form. And those medicine were nasty tasting! How can I complain if
this little kid had more to take in liquid form?!
3. Nicholas taught me about love. As you know, Nicholas was such a happy boy, with his remarks that would make you laugh. Like he would say, “You want a piece of me?” or he would say, “Oh Snap!” or something in a certain crazy accent. He made everybody feel loved and special. Everybody who encountered him felt loved.
4. Nicholas reminded me that life is short. I realized that life is short when I was suddenly diagnosed with Severe Aplastic Anemia and when I received bone marrow from my baby brother, Zachary. Nicholas reminded me that life IS short, to live for the moment and don’t worry about
tomorrow. We were ready to see each other last week, but he passed away the day before I was to see him.
I also learned from my illness that there is God and God is a healer, and God has bigger plans for us. So, I know God has plans for Nicholas. He is using Nicholas to teach us. He is using Nicholas to teach us about love. He has Nicholas in His loving arms and Nicholas is running up and down the hallways of heaven, playing swords and asking Jesus, “You want a piece ofme?”
I love you Nicholas, I will always keep you in my heart. I will never,ever, ever forget you…. because you inspire me.
I love you Lamont and Sheila. Thank you for treating me like a son, and most of all, thank you for sharing Nicholas with us. And finally, thank you God for bringing Nicholas to this world.
Love, KJ
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Sunday, June 4, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
TODAY
Today was the 10th day since Nicholas has passed and each day we have missed Nicholas so terribly that our stomachs are in knots. And, we remember that Nicholas did not like to see us sad. And, we know that Nicholas is at God’s side: comforted and loved beyond any desired earthly dream so he is without pain, he is full of light and with all surroundings freely illuminated and heavenly satisfying. And, we are reminded that because of God we know that it is only Nicholas’ body on the earth while his path in heavenly life has his spirit freely soaring to the heights of his desires.
So while we do ache for Nicholas we trust and believe God’s love and his promise that Nicholas is without need, freely soaring to the heights of his desires in every imaginable & unimaginable way.
***CONTINUING OUR RECAP OF NICHOLAS’ CELEBRATION OF LIFE***
Following is the second message during the Friends and Family Remember portion of the Memorial Service. (Tomorrow it will be the message that was presented by his friend, KJ.)
Message from Nikko’s Aunt Kathy
Title: We Should Have Known!
1) We Should Have Known – When you, Nikko, were 1st born you had a special purpose. Your 1st gift was to be the bridge for your blended family & community…AND you did that so well with your quick wit, your smile, your energy, and your laughter. From Day 1, with your golden brown afro and sparkling blue eyes--you simply were beyond BEAUTIFUL – both inside and out!
2) We Should Have Known – When you started preparing for school you would master both Spanish and English at the same time. Because for you, working on just ONE thing at a time was not enough.
3) We Should Have Known – When you were1st diagnosed it wouldn’t be the typical symptoms and it wouldn’t start slow. A simple, my wrist hurts would lead to YOUR parents and doctor taking immediate action based on the smallest symptom AND demand tests that others thought were not necessary.
4) We Should Have Known – Your mission would demonstrate that miracles still occur. You wouldn’t have just one perfect Bone Marrow match, But 2 to pick from. You would have 3, not just 1 hospital aggressively join your mission – as well as many doctors you would never meet live take active part in your battle thru email only.
5) We Should Have Known - your fight would include an army of extraordinary people doing extraordinary things! Your parents, their company-AAA, your friends, your family, your medical teams and even strangers doing anything and everything they could - Not because we had to. —Because our hearts demanded it!
6) We Should Have Known - that your journey would not be an easy one—Because your spirit, your strength, your love for life needed to teach us how to rise above every obstacle. Instead of saying why me? You would say, mom and dad I’m sorry you can’t go to work today, but I’m glad you’re here with me.. This after months of 24-hr/day stay in the hospital where your parents never, I mean NEVER left your side.
7) We Should Have Known – your mom and dad would be our role models – they would be your body & spirit guards—demanding to be taught how to administer your meds from home. They would learn the medical options and complex jargon so they could carefully and meticulously chart for all of us to follow your online journal of pictures, poems and medical stats… We should have known, doctors too would learn from you.
8) We Should Have Known – That even in your last days when the doctors openly above your bed used the dreaded word ‘terminal’, Your mom and dad would later ask you, what did you hear? Your simple, but angelic response was—I heard that I’m a special kid!”
9) We Should Have Known - you wouldn’t hear or get distracted by anything but the positive. Often asking your parents to buy birthday gifts for other patients fighting the same battle. We should have known, you would always, I mean ALLWAYS, think of others first, before you thought of yourself..
10) We Should Have Known – You would fight the hard fight to the very end. You would have a website with a record # of hits per day. Strangers, family and friends all wanting, needing to be a part of your journey. To learn from you…
11) We Should Have Known … And NOW we do!!! Your life/ your mission was special!! With YOU we have truly witnessed a rare and precious ANGEL on earth. And Your legacy will live on as a unending gift, a beacon call to action for each of us to follow…We NOW KNOW you have taught us to Live Large, to Love Deeply and to embrace each and every obstacle with a flaming zest for life…
12) As I often wrote in your journal, and I say again now, THANK YOU my little Warrior Angel for your many unending gifts. WE CLEARLY KNOW NOW AND PROMISE TO NEVER FORGET … We will continue your mission …
I will Love You Always and Forever.
NOTE:
Please click on View Photos to see the inside cover of the "program" including Nicholas' artwork that has lots of pots of gold, details of the program, and the angelic resting spot of Nicholas' body.
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Saturday, June 3, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
NICHOLAS' CONTINUED JOURNEY AND STORIES...
Starting today we will recap yesterdays's Celebration of Nicholas' Life by sharing the speeches, poems, songs, and stories. The stories will come from you as presented and/or unfolded during the celebration.
NOTES:
1) Please click on View Photos to see the inside cover of the "program," details of the program, and the angelic resting spot of Nicholas' body.
2) A separate photo album of photos capturing the celebration, including the "bubble" procession, release of the doves and butterflies, and the "piece" of Nicholas that we all now have will soon be accessible.
3) And we expect to have the Video Tribute linked to this site sometime next week.
4) Photos from the time we left for Denver will also soon be accessible.
***SPEECH FROM ONE OF HIS BROTHERS***
After opening with Nicholas' song-of-love that plays when this website is accessed, and a welcome & prayer from our Pastor, the Memorial continued with the following speech from one of Nicholas' brothers:
"I decided to write a letter to my brother…
Nicholas,
Hey buddy, daddy must’ve been right you are the golden child, look at everyone here celebrating you.
Growing up as a single child, I always wanted brothers. I was blessed with two step brothers but I always wanted a baby around and you were the answer, the baby brother I always wanted. The baby that I remember always asking about saying: “When will he talk? When will he walk?” I wanted you to grow up so fast so I could do the things big brothers do with and even sometimes do to their baby brothers.
I remember January 27, 2000 rushing to the hospital for your birth but getting there too late and walking into the room to see you being held by mommy and daddy. I remember swinging you in your swinging chair. I remember your cries…even though I’m still convinced that you faked some of them.
I remember playing endlessly with you, I remember taking your socks off and throwing them across the room…even when it made you mad. I remember cuddling with you and falling asleep with you on the couch. I remember you sleeping in my bed with me…even when you would constantly talk and ask questions instead of going to sleep. And I remember you kicking me in bed those nights too.
I remember mornings when you would wake up early and come into my room, pull the covers off me and wake me up…even though the night before you promised you wouldn’t do that. I remember you walking around the house looking at pictures of me, saying and even arguing that they were you.
I remember missing you so much when I was away at college only to come back home and see how much you had grown in the short time I was away. I remember all the phone conversations we had together and I remember our little game when I said “guess what?” and you said right away “I love you!” I remember all of your messages you left me on my cell phone…they’re still there.
I remember you sitting and cheering at my basketball games, yelling my name…and getting mad when I didn’t turn or look back and respond to you. I remember you running out of daddy’s arms and running alongside the team in Santa Cruz as we ran out of the locker room and onto the court. And I remember you being the best halftime show I’ve ever seen.
I remember November 19, 2004 when I was in Seattle preparing for the first game of my Senior season, not knowing what was going on back home. I remember looking at my phone after the game and seeing that I had at least 10 missed calls from “Dad’s Cell,” just knowing that something was wrong when I heard his message. I remember “that call” and that was the beginning of all that “Leukemia and Bone Marrow stuff”…even though at the time I didn’t exactly know what it really was or what it really meant.
I remember crying on the shoulders of my teammates and coaches that night, wanting to fly home that minute. But I remember daddy telling me he wouldn’t let me, telling me to play our last game of the weekend and come see you Sunday when I got back. So I did that and I remember driving to Oakland and buying a Spiderman toy for you on the way.
I remember all the trials and tribulations you encountered along the roller coaster that would become your final ride in “body.” I remember the hospitals, I remember The Ronald McDonald House, your Bone Marrow Transplant and through it all…I remember how strong you were and still are.
I remember seeing you and spending our last physical days together during Mother’s Day weekend in Denver, at Brent’s Place. And I remember May 25, 2006 at 12:47 PM when you left me in body and moved up to a better place in heaven where you’ll always be my brother, my friend, my hero, and my angel.
There are so many memories I have of you and I will carry them with me forever; I’ll always be your big brother Chrissy. You taught me so much in your 6-plus years and today I see so much of you in me. I’m so proud to say that I’m your big brother. I can picture you now, sitting up in heaven smiling down on all of us saying “Boo! Did I scare you?” or “You wanna piece of me?” And you know what …I do wanna piece of you, a piece that I can hold onto until the day I see you again. When I can pick you up and just give you a big hug and kiss. Through all of these memories, I know we’re not remembering your death but actually celebrating your life and I find some comfort in knowing that you’re looking down on me—normal again, free of the pain and medicines.
You always were a fast kid and I guess you just made it to the sunshine and to heaven before me. So I’ll see you when I get there; I love so you much Nicholas, I’ll never forget you.
Love always,
Your big brother Chrissy"
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Friday, June 2, 2006 11:59 PM CDT
AMAZING!
TODAY
Today as Nicholas’ Memorial Service began, it wonderfully began with sounds that many of us have become so accustomed to…Nicholas’ song-of-love playing as Pastor Tom Dabasinskas, our other boys, and mom & dad walked into the sanctuary.
Amazing because the spirit of Nicholas was so alive throughout the Moraga Valley Presbyterian Church. Seemingly—and although we know angelic—enjoying it from the MEMORIAL SERVICE and the bubble procession that followed…to the release of doves and butterflies at the INTERMENT…and with the continual love of hundreds of “people” during the CELEBRATION OF LIFE remembering, sharing, and enjoying the beauty of Nicholas and God’s work manifesting in our hearts because of His work in Nicholas.
While there was prayer; nine speakers (at two of the three components of today’s celebration), three separate soloists performing (one at each celebration component); performance by four beautiful-little harpists; bubbles, doves, and butterflies; Thunder of the Golden State Warriors professional basketball team sharing his and the Warriors’ organization’s love through the interaction with Thunder during an “open mic” portion of the Celebration of Life component; …it was Nicholas’ favorite thing that truly made today amazing. It was…the people!
It was everyone present representing an unbelievable cross section of Nicholas’ life. From family, friends, school, hospitals, church, and cross sections of those that have come to know Nicholas by his actions of love that have become word of mouth to so many. Mom & dad realize that it is about Nicholas and God’s love for Nicholas and all of us, that IS making Nicholas' journey amazing. We are so proud of our 6-year old boy who continually and vibrantly lives in spirit…teaching us over the past six years, today, and now...forever.
CONTINUING JOURNEY
The stories of Nicholas Colby Gilbert were amazing because of the interactions with you, with people from everywhere. There are now so many more stories to tell. As one person wrote on tonight’s Guest Book, “The stories, music, and planned details were beautiful to participate in and so perfect for not only a child, but brought so much comfort and release to those present.”
Over the next week we will share the speeches, poems, songs, and stories of love from the Memorial Service, Interment, and Celebration of Life. We are so excited to be getting ready to share today’s experiences because we will get to experience them again and again! Oh, and the “program” describing how our day unfolded will be shared because it tells a story as well. A story of Nicholas’ artwork integrated onto the program and his pictures that provide a glimpse into his world. And, we are determining the best way to make the “Video Tribute” set to poignant music available to you as well-“The Story of Nicholas.”
There were dozens of people behind the scenes creating and delivering a moving experience—The Celebration of Nicholas’ Life. Because we just referenced the program and video tribute, we are referencing our thanks to another dear friend of ours, Ginny, who tirelessly and lovingly produced the program and video tribute providing a consistent look & feel of “The Story of Nicholas.” What an amazing friend and what amazing friends you will hear more about!
Thank you so much for your Guest Book entries, they are very helpful to mom & dad as well as our other boys, and we have learned they are so inspiring to the Nicholas Colby community which is this website.
……
Nicholas’ legacy will live on through……
The Nicholas Colby Fund:
A non-profit fund established by a dear friend of ours to help other children or children of parents who are sick or suffer setbacks—lovingly providing for children. The Nicholas Colby Fund is in memory of our beautiful son, Nicholas, who will continue to vibrantly live in all of our lives. More information about the Nicholas Colby Fund will soon be provided.
Tax-deductible donations may be made to:
Nicholas Colby Fund
1547 Palos Verdes Mall, PMB 260
Walnut Creek, CA 94597-2228
